My shoulders stiffen. “But I still miss them.”
“Of course, darling. We never stop missing the ones we’ve loved and lost. But that doesn’t mean we need to wallow in the past.”
I blow out a breath. “Why did Leif smile like that? Why wasn’t he—”Afraid? Angry?I choke back the words.
“I don’t know Leif, not like you do.” Arlo runs his fingers up and down my arm; his touch is soft and warm. “Would he be angry at you if you moved on with… with someone?”
For several painful seconds, I am unsure how to answer that question. “How would I know unless he told me? He made me promise not to forget him.” My eyes sting, and the words scratch my throat on the way out.
Arlo’s hand settles on mine. “But surely he wouldn’t want you to be alone for the rest of your life, would he?”
No. Of course he wouldn’t. Leif would never make such a cruel request.
I shake my head, sniffing.
He twists his fingers in mine. “Then maybe that’s what your dream was trying to tell you, darling? Being alone until you go feral is a cruel punishment for something that wasn’t your fault.”
“That’s not what I’m—” I fall silent because that’s exactly what I’ve been doing. Punishing myself so I can never get close to anyone else. So I don’t lose anyone else I love.
“Gunnar…” Arlo’s voice is full of hesitation. “Do you want to move on? With me?”
The tender feelings from my dream come back like specters to haunt me. I’d been so happy, so in love. With Arlo. It had felt so right waking up next to him, the ache of loneliness nothing but a distant memory. I’d wanted to hunt for him the way I’d hunted for Leif.
“I…” I wet my lips.
I’d thought so, but then I’d seen my family beyond the windows, watching me carry on with my life without them. Leif had smiled.
Why?He should have been angry at me for betraying him and breaking my promise.
But that’s not who Leif was. He would never begrudge me my happiness, even if it wasn’t with him.
Would he?
Gods. I can’tdo this anymore.I’m so sick of being lonely, of tormenting myself with what-ifs and would-bes.
“Gunnar?”
I look at Arlo and my breath catches when his wide, desperate gaze finds mine. He tightens his grip on my fingers until they ache. I want to reach out and touch his cheek, kiss away the furrow between his brows, whisper reassurance in his ears.
If Leif were to appear on my doorstep tomorrow and offer me his heart, would I take it?
Once I would have said yes without hesitation, but now… I don’t know what my answer would be. I’m not the same boy Leif fell in love with. That boy was young and naive. I’ve let grief sharpen me like glass. He wouldn’t love me as I am now.
But Arlo could. If I am glass, then Arlo is the sea that has softened my sharp edges. Gods, I want to let him love me.
The guilt that crashes over me at this admission knocks the air from my lungs. “I—I’m going to get us coffee.” I can barelyfeel my lips wrap around the words. Every part of me has gone numb.
“Gunnar—”
I turn my back on Arlo’s pleading voice and let the door swing shut behind me. It’s early. Beyond the large windows on the ground floor, Sol has just barely risen beyond the horizon, flying her golden chariot across the brightening sky. Wind howls around the sides of the building, but there’s hardly a cloud in the sky.
If it lasts the rest of the week, this could be the perfect weather for a wedding.
I grip my stomach as it churns painfully with nerves.
Flicking the switch, I get the kettle boiling. While the water heats, I fill two filters with coffee grounds. When did life in Arlo’s timeline get easier? I’ve adjusted to this time sooner than I thought I would.
Memories of the lonely, miserable wretch I once was are slipping out of my reach. I can’t reconcile that angry, sad, and half-feral man with the one now filling his shoes. I’ve found a place here in this time. Forged friendships with Arlo’s family. I don’t remember when I last slept alone and woke up by myself.
