I jump from the bed and all the dreaded memories. I need coffee and a shower to wash away the burden of last night. Once the water is scalding hot that it is painful, I finally step under the spray and feel the burning effects of the night wash away. My thoughts are now overrun by Shamus and his incessant screaming of my jumbled name last night out my window. His voice was horse and raw and I wanted to go to him but knew I wasn’t in a state of rationality. All the burning questions of his tirade last night came rushing back.
He had a ring… he threw it off the Gig bridge… Cal and Noah both knew why he left, the real reason… so many questions I needed answers to.
By the time I was out of the shower, it was only my burning questions for Shame that occupied my mind. Cory was all but forgotten for the time being, or until my subconscious decided to play memory roulette, whichever came first.
I walked in the kitchen to see Tayla and Candey drinking coffee at the table. “Hey chica. Coffee is ready.” Candey says and smiles at me. I know none of my girls will ask how I am and I am grateful.
I pour my cup and move to sit beside Tay.“You’re here early.” I say and sip from my cup of Seattle’s Best.
“Business.” She says and shrugs before handing me a stack of pictures and unpublished articles from every press docket in Washington. They’re all pictures of me, shocked and hurt looks on my face, from every possible angle. Shame to my left at the table in the Aloha House with that fucking rock star smirk on his face, I can't stand. I read the first headline, “Shamus James dumps short time girlfriend in a bar back home, details page six.”
I toss the remaining stack on the table and groan, burying my face in my hands.“God damn it. How bad is it?” I ask not making eye contact.
“Not at all sweetie. This is me doing my job. I call it damage control.” Tayla taps my arm and I raise my head enough to look at her. She has a small manila folder in her hand. “Sign these, honey. They’re documents stating, that if you decide to go public, on you and Shame’s relationship, that you’ll give a personal interview with Shame at your side.”
Before I can even ask how, she laughs. “Honey, this doesn’t mean you have to ever talk about it. It just states, they won’t run it, if you promise to give an exclusivewhenyou do. Who the fuck knows when,when,will be?”
I love her so much right now it’s almost erotic.
I grab the pen and give a shy thank you, because she must have been up all night doing damage control.
As I am signing what feels like fifty papers, all promising the same thing, Candey stands and grabs her keys. “I’m off to fuck Noah.”
I almost spit my coffee at her declaration and she laughs loudly as she makes her way to the door. I don’t know how it is that she and Noah still shock us all considering their vulgar displays, but they do it and often.
“God I don’t know how her and Carrie do it,” Tayla says silently. I can only assume she means be with rock stars.
“Carrie is a pro at it these days, Candey is just Candey. She and Noah are kismet in a crazy way.”
Tay laughs, but she seems distant. Fearing she is angry about all the track down and cover up work she was obviously up all night doing, I know I should apologize.“I’m so sorry you have to lose sleep over this and get mixed up in the drama. Hopefully he had his fun and he can talk to me like a sober adult today.”
Tay just smiles and places her hand over mine.“What he said to you last night wasn’t cool, but give him a break babycakes. He didn’t mean it.”
Oh man, poor Tay didn’t understand how wrong that was to say to me. I am immediately thrown back to a memory with Cory.
I had just come home from the hospital after miscarrying. I was tired and in both physical and mental pain. Cory had been so distraught over the loss, he was barely talking to me at all. I was terrified he knew the truth and was just waiting for the other shoe to fall.
I had slept in the first morning home and was cramping something fierce. I was barely able to get from the bed to the restroom and sometimes I would cry the whole way. By the time Cory got home from work, it was late and he had been in court all day so I stayed in bed resting. I decided knowing how I was hurting and the late day he had, that pizza was the meal for the night.
He was distant at first, just walked slowly around the room looking at everything with extreme intent until his eyes fell on me. “What the fuck did you do all day?” He asked me, his eyes, terrifying.
I tripped over my words, taken back by the nasty twist in his demeanor.“I stayed down today resting.”
He stalked the end of the bed before coming up to the nightstand where my bottle of pain killers was. I had taken one in the morning, but I zoned out so bad I didn’t want another so decided to stay down and stick to the over the counter Med's instead.
“One this morning, but I didn’t like how it made me feel.” I was answering cautiously now, scared of the vibe he was radiating. I knew then that was the change in him and the first sign I should run and never look back.
Before I could even register his movements I felt the sting below my eye from the back of his hand.“Don’t fucking lie to me. I come home from a fifteen hour day and your lazy ass is in bed doped out of your mind.” His voice was nothing but furious rage and the warmth I had always seen in his eyes was replaced with disgust. “I know being a rock star’s groupie for a few years might have killed more than a few brain cells, but I won’t tolerate this shit. You need to carry yourself with more class or you and your shit will be out of my house so fast you won’t know what hit you other than my foot as I kick you out the door.” He doesn’t wait for a reply before he sweeps his arm across my bed table and all the contents, tissues, medication water and my books, all go flying across the room and to the floor.
He grabbed me by the back of my head and knotted his fist in my hair, forcing me to stand from the bed.“Get off your lazy ass and get this shit cleaned up.” He tosses me to the floor like a rag doll, and leaves the room, slamming the door behind him.
It was a good hour later when he came walking back in the room, all sweet and loving. In his hand a glass of red wine and a plate of pizza that I had ordered before his attack. I flinch when he sits at the edge of the bed beside me, terrified of his next move.“Don’t flinch Kitten, I won't hurt you.” He says it as he brushes his fingers against the painful and swollen bruise beneath my eye. “Fuck Cassa, I'm sorry baby. I've been so upset all day about the baby and I couldn’t concentrate in court because I was worried about you. You were so sad last night and it took all my focus today. Once I was home and the entire house in disarray and you are ordering pizza with my money… I lost it.”
Listening to the excuses, I knew then, the monster I had married. He had managed to make it all my fault and found a way to manipulate me into believing I’d wronged him and was to blame.
“I won't do it again Kitten I swear.” He says and kisses the bruise softly. “I didn’t mean it you know I didn’t.”
I am pulled from the memory of Tayla waving a hand in front of my face.“Earth to Cass?” She says when I blink and look at her confused because obviously I tuned out while she was talking.
