“I'm sorry.” I whisper and close my eyes wishing I could forget. “I think I'm still tired.” I laugh it off hoping she won't notice my obvious distress over the memory. I bring my coffee to my lips, my hand trembling.
“That isn’t tired Cass. That was ugly as hell whatever it was. You want to talk I am all ears, if not ill respect your wishes.”
“I'm okay, really.” I say and smile even though I'm ready to burst into tears.
She nods and stands gathering the papers. I'm still lost in the awful memory, idly cupping my cheek relieved when there isn’t any pain.
“Cassa?” She says from the door and I turn to look at her. “Whatever it is that put that look on your face… it wasn’t your fault.”
She leaves without my response and within seconds I hear her mustang ripping ass from my apartment building.
She was right… it wasn’t my fault, but like usual, I brushed it under the rug and told myself repeatedly that day that he wouldn’t do it again… he wouldn’t, he loved me too much. I had vowed to give to Cory what I had so desperately wanted to give Shame. I devoted my heart and soul to him, all but the small pieces Shame would forever own. I swore I would never push him that far again.
I was wrong though…it only ever got worse, until I was left for dead, broken and bleeding, butchered and robbed on the bedroom floor.
*
Shamus
I woke up this morning with jaded memories of the night before flashing through my mind, and an aggravated Tayla beating down my door.
I roll from my bed in an alcohol induced buzz, that informs me I am still drunk, not buzzed and this shit will hurt later. By the time I make it to the door I hear my cell phone ringing “So what? I’m still a rock star…” and I fear the banging on the door combined with Tayla calling is the starting point of one hell of an ass ripping. I open the door, but don’t offer her entry, because I know she will barrel through anyway. Instead, I turn and head to my kitchen to start brewing coffee and search for pain med's that will kill any headache planning to make an appearance once I’m sober. I hear the door slam and smile.
I smile because I am an idiot…only an idiot smiles in the presence of a pissed off woman.
“How are you feeling today?” She asks me sweetly before taking a seat at the counter in my kitchen. Her tone is sweet and caring and I am smart enough to know it’s a façade.
“Still drunk.”
She rolls her eyes at my response before dropping a folder on the counter. “I just left Cassa’s and made sure she understood what I was having her sign, considering this is the first time she has been photographed by a shit-ton of paparazzi.”
I take the folder and pour my coffee, drinking from it as I make my way to my living room, preparing to sit and read all about my eventful night.
The first picture stops me from any more laughter. Cassa is standing in front of my table at the Aloha House, Carrie beside me, with a death glare on her face, and me smirking at the pain on Cassa’s. Oh fuck me what did I do? I read the entire story, from what I gather, I guess I made our personal fight a public one. “Jesus, I was so drunk Tay, I can’t remember what I said other than I know I was mad at her.”
“Oh, you told the entire bar, Cassa included, the engagement ring, throwing it off the Gig Bridge. My personal favorite, was you telling her that she had no right to be hurt by your behavior.”
Appalled at my behavior, I groaned and look at her.“Why the fuck would that make you happy?”
She taps her chin, as if in deep thought, and looks at me smiling.“Oh, because she told you to fuck off loud and clear… it was quite amusing.”
“Jesus.” I groan and sit back rubbing my hands over my face.
“Yep.” She says and tossed the manila folder on my lap. “Cass signed this morning I need you to sign. You know the drill.”
I sign per the usual and sit back to look at Tayla.“What does damage control from my end look like?” She has spent more time with Cassa since I’ve been back, than I have, and I need to know how she is, is she effected by this or am I just a pansy?
“She’s sad, very sad. This morning… I don’t know what was on her mind, but she completely zoned out while we were talking over coffee. Whatever it was that stole her thoughts was ugly. I’m only guessing here, but I think it was something from her past and nothing to do with you.”
This kills me, as it does every time. I know that look, I have seen it so many times that it’s hard to not know what steals her mind. “I want to talk to her about it so bad.”
She sighs a knowing sigh.“I’m not about to break any confidences here, but I will say be careful what you wish for. She was so completely broken last night Shame, raw like I have never seen before. Knowing the things she told me last night, carrying that type of pain around and shame… it burns your ass.”
Fuck, I hate that people keep telling me that knowing what she survived is a hard weight to carry. Why won’t she trust me to help carry that burden? “I don’t know Tay… I’m starting to think I’ll never know.”
At that she laughs.“No, I’m certain you’re about to find out. Noah came in like a fucking hurricane last night hoping she would come talk to you.”
This was interesting and scary because I had no idea what she was talking about.“Talk to me where?”
