Cassa
It had been an hour by the time I looked at my watch and screamed.
It had been two minutes.
I knew neither one of us would give in easily tonight but too damn bad, I was fighting. The longer I stood I realized he had some secrets too. He had a whole list of tidbits he had yet to answer, questions he had evaded for too long.
And I was in the mood to fight now.
I stormed down the dock, my feet pounding and splashing water up my soaked jeans.
"What about your secrets?" I roared over the wind and rain, not more than five feet from him.
"What secrets?" He yelled back, now standing to face me as we raged at one another, storm be damned.
"Try an easy one.... You have been home staying in Gig harbor every fucking break you had and never once sought me out like you say you wanted.”
"I always stayed there after we ended. It's a moot point Cassa. I had to live somewhere." He roared
"So why if you missed me so much, how is it you never bothered to come to me?" I was crying again, but my fury was still unleashing.
"I never even wanted to touch foot in Seattle!” He roared. “I hated being in the same fucking city where you and your husband lived. Why the fuck when I had no clue that you were in trouble would I come break up your marriage?" He didn’t spare my feelings when it came down to the truth. It obviously killed him that I married someone so soon after he had left. If I wanted the truth he was sure the fuck not going to sugar coat it and that was clear.
"Answer me the most painful of all then." I stepped closer to his face but my voice was loud and demanding. It was the pain ripping through my chest at the question, the burning question I needed and feared the answer to. "Why did you leave me?" The words came out on a stream of tears, when I dropped my arms and accepted the defeat of the fight. All I wanted was the answer to that one fucking question. I fell to my knees once more, my hands in my lap. The tears had won over the anger; I had finally asked the one most painful question I had. I had to know why he left me.
I could see the pain on Shamus like an entire entity had formed between us. "Because I had to know if he was right." He dropped to his knees before me.
"Who." I cried.
"My Dad. I wanted to prove him wrong Sassy.” He says like a plea and pulls his soaked hat from his head and runs his hands over the hair he is now growing back. “But as I drove out of town his words made sense. So I kept going. By the time I made it, you were married, so I never came back. I just wanted to prove I was right; I was possessed with proving him wrong. He told me if I took you and failed that you would resent me. I found out three days after we signed our deal that you had gotten married. I didn’t come home for two years after learning that." He cupped my cheek in his palm. "If I had known what you were going through I would have come for you. I was always coming back Cassa."
I broke apart at the seams and cried against Shamus's chest. “The black box… a ring?” I ask confused but only if I am wrong.
He nods and places a kiss to my temple, and traced my tears as they fall along my jaw, his fingers tangling in my wet hair.“I was always coming back to get you, make you a James and fuck everyone who got in my way. I just wasn’t prepared for you to be the one in my way.”
I am devastated now, in this moment than I have ever been in any other. Even as I lost the baby I knew that it was for the best because I was only ever meant to raise a baby with Shamus.“This isn’t fair Shame.” I cry and I am talking about it all and everything we have done to one another. This is literally the worst butterfly effect ever… all starting because Jerry was angry that Shame was leaving to be more than a crabber.
“No baby it isn’t, but we have right now to change it, accept it and be strong together, or bow out for good.”
“It’s you Shamus, only ever can it be you.” I cry and know he feels the same as his lips crush against mine. I slip my cold hands under his shirt, I didn’t care that we were cold and wet and standing in a torrential downpour. I needed to feel his skin.
Shamus pulled me tight and lifted me into his lap before standing. He was right where I was and we werent going to wait until we were back in the house. He carried me until my back hit the wall of the boathouse, and then fused his mouth to mine once again.
I can't live without,
All I think about,
All I want is you,
You're all I dream about,
I can't live without,
All I want is you,
Staind
Chapter Twenty Five
