We will drive ourselves insane
As the friendship goes resentment grows
We will walk our different ways
Bastille
Chapter Eleven
Cassa
I didn't want to look at Shame, couldn't after what we had done. He kept his promise and made me forget it all if even for a second. It was great, but what did it mean in the end or with the empty space he would leave behind? He had left before and I was still burning with indigence and it hurt like hell but I knew that I loved him even more now. I had to find a way to save myself if I wanted to keep him. I had the strength; God knew I had the will.
Like my thoughts summoned him, Shamus eyes fell on mine again. Jut seconds before he had been kissing light flutters between my legs...now he was watching me just as close. I rolled to the side to see his face using my hand I traced his features rubbing my thumb across his brow. His eyes stayed on me while he leaned in bringing his mouth to mine. I needed that kiss to give me the passion to fight. "Cassa…." he sighed and pulled my body over his. I felt his erection between my spread legs as I straddled him.
"Hi." I said with a smile and buried my head against his chest. I was actually nervous andtwitterpatedbeing this close and sharing this moment with him. I had never been like this after a long night of passion. I felt like I had committed a sin. His hard-as-steel hard-on was making it even worse.
Shamus smiled and laughed his gruff voice so faint and scratchy it gave me the chills. "What’s with the shyness?" he asked as he slipped his hands on both sides of my neck to capture my face in his hands. I was beet red and couldn’t hide my smile.
"I feel weird, don’t make fun of me.” God the tone of my voice reminded me of thefangirlswho were always trying to get with Shame.
"No, I like it. I love it actually, knowing I made you blush." He sounded just as nervous with me cuddled close on top of him. Shame had a coyness to him that I found irresistible.God please stop time and keep me in this moment forever.wanted that more than anything but I knew this was going to be short lived.
"God Damn you are beautiful." He spoke reverently while he ran his hands around my hips and over my ass, stopping at the scars. “Even here baby. I know what’s beneath the ink, but the work Noah did is unreal.”
I flushed again and felt like a child. "I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I'm so used to you being in my masturbatory file that it’s weird that your here." I raised my arms and twisted my long brown hair through my fingers trying to smooth it out. His jacket was our makeshift blanket and it covered very little. I was completely naked, every inch of my body was displayed on top of him.
"I can stay as long as you want me to." He said and captured my ass in his hands and sat up, keeping me in place on top of him. A sound of pure bliss escaped my mouth at the friction his sitting up caused. Shame knew what he was doing to me and smiled that cocky grin that made me desperate…and then he winked sending me down in girly girl flames.
I had to fight to get his words to penetrate through the cloud of lust in my mind. But all too soon the gravity of his words hit me like a freight train. "What then?" I leaned forward to nip at his shoulder with my teeth. He gripped my ass tighter and pulled me closer. I knew he liked to be nibbled on and a huge sense of satisfaction came because I knew these things andskankslike Brit didn’t.
"We could try short term long distance, and on longer tours you could come with me, be the bands photographer. Hell I will hire you right now." He was dead serious I could see it in his eyes.
"You would do that?" I stared him down looking for any signs of false hope or fear, but his eyes locked with mine. Shame was serious.
"Anything Sass! I will do anything to spend a million more moments like this." He ran his fingers along my spine making me tremble. “I cant be with you, be inside of you and then turn and walk away again.” He shook his head and looked away from my intense stare. “I wont survive it another time Sassy.”
How dare he?
I pulled back immediately completely offended by his response. He tried gripping me closer to keep me from moving but I was having none of it. “Let me go Shame.”
“No baby. That’s the point. I don’t want to let you go ever again. If I have even a glimmer of hope that we can be together again then I'm jumping on it Sass.”
I pressed hard against his chest and finally he dropped his hands. I immediately stood and started dressing.“This was a mistake Shame.”
That had him jumping to his feet too. I paused in shattered amazement at the delectable body of Shamus James. It was so cruel and so unfair that he was this beautiful. Shame had had a beauty that was untouchable.“This was not a mistake Sass. It was fate. You were and have always been mine Cass.”
Ohmigod! I understood what he meant because I felt it to, but the ownership thing just made my skin crawl. I was me and owned by me. I would never again be anyone’s god dammit! Not even Shames.
“I am nobodies Shamus.” My voice was so low and so dark, I had no doubt he caught my meaning.
“Your right, but your heart is mine Cassa.” He stepped forward and placed the palm of my hand against his chest where I could feel his beating heart. “And mine is yours baby. Feel how it beats faster when you touch me? Only you have ever done that to me.”
I wanted to hit him, but being of the‘no violence’ mind I pulled my hand back before stepping free of him. “You left me two years ago. No word, no apology or reason. You went to follow a dream that came true and in return the dream of us died. I am so sorry Shame, about your dad passing, about the secrets we all kept, I'm sorry for it all, but I cant forget what happened between us, just like I cant forget what Cory did to me. You hurt me so deep and then stand here saying you couldn’t survive leaving me again?”
I stepped forward as I pushed my hands through my jacket and leaned in to kiss him on the cheek. At the last second he turned his head and our lips met for a brief and yet explosive kiss. I ended it just as abruptly and touched my fingers to my lips trying to hold on to the feel of his lips on mine.“You can and will survive it Shame because this was a beautiful goodbye.”
I didn’t wait for his response and I left the room as fast as I could knowing my tears were coming on at any second. If he had felt even a fraction of what I am feeling now, when he left me two years ago then it only infuriates me more. I am ready to run in there and say “fuck it! I love you Shamus James” and do my best to forget the betrayal. Knowing he didn’t bat a lash, didn’t call, text, email… nothing. It told me he wasn’t in the same kind of love as me. I would have never walked away from him back then, I would have died for him.
