Now…now I needed to survive for me.
*
Shamus
Had someone told me that when I came home for my dads final goodbye that I would end up fucking Cassa and begging her for another chance. I would have said they were nuts. Had someone told me that in a desperate attempt to forget me she would find the one man on this earth who was evil incarnate, I’d have said hell no, not my Cassa.
So fucked up….it was all so completely fucked up. For the last two years I convinced myself I was doing the right thing by staying away. I had been the pussy, the baby. I let my dad in my head and gave him free rein to fuck my shit up. I spent two years enjoying the ride, sure. I fucked every and any girl I wanted. I had the best foods, cars, hotels all of it at my disposal. I had managed to make my career one big party with my closest friends and somewhere along the line I even patched shit up with my dad.
Through it all I had been miserable without her. I was convinced she was happy and healthy and in love with a man who wasn’t me. Believing she was happy is all that allowed me to sleep. Now I would never sleep again. I was the one who had it all and she was left baren, beaten, terrified and alone. It was always supposed to be her who was happy.
Had my father not interfered I would have ran away with her at my side. I had no clue how successful I would become, but I would have taken her with me regardless the outcome. But it was my dad who met me at the door that night...
"So now you think because some big shot music guy liked a song you wrote that you are gonna be the next big thing?" He walked around the front of my Jeep placing his hand against the frame of the driver’s side door, his hands of steel, hands that I had fought against in the front yard the last Thanksgiving. "World aint that nice to men like us Shame."
"Jesus Dad why can’t you see this is my choice, my chance to see if I really have what it takes?" I had been so quick tempered back then, that night I was ready to go another round toe to toe with the old man if he tried to stop me. "This isn’t a pipe dream, I have a shot here why cant you just believe in me for once. I have talent dad!" I gripped the wheel and kept my eyes focused on the gear shift. "How can you ask me to not try?"
"Because Shamus I worked my whole God damned life to build a small empire to leave you." My dad let the door go and spun back on his heels. "Now you’re ready to run off and leave everything I busted my ass for, behind."
"I don’t want to be a Crabber Dad, why can’t you see that?"
"It’s in your blood Shamus." He had said his voice so matter of fact, he knew what was right for me, he thought he did at least back then.
"Music is in my blood Dad that is all that courses through my veins!!" I stepped from the Jeep prepared to take him down if he stood in my way any longer. He did the last thing I expected.
"And Cassa? What about Cassa, Shamus? You can’t ask a girl that sweet to follow your dreams. What about hers?" He stepped closer knowing he had hit a nerve with me. "She has a future Shamus and I don’t think it involves following you around dive bars filled with five screaming fans and stale beer. She's better than that."
I couldn’t look at the old man, the tension between the two of us so strong the energy was turning my stomach. "Cassa knows the risk Dad, she believes in me." The words were meant to inflict pain but dad just laughed and said the words that changed my fate.
"Yeah, do you believe in her dreams?" The old man stood firm the question changed the game.
"You have no right to stand here and ask me to leave her behind, no right to tell me I have no future, when you barely know me." I stepped up to him, nose to nose before risking it all and went for the jugular. "You realize that you have never heard me play?" I waited for him to reply but he just looked passed me. "You never noticed because you don’t care unless it involves that fucking boat." I took that final step before erupting. "LET THE FUCKER BURN I DON’T FUCKING CARE!!!!!"
He clocked me in the jaw with no warning or hesitation and watched as I refused to fall. I turned my head and spit blood from my mouth because he had broken a tooth. "Fuck you!" I said with a push at his chest.
He looked at me like I grew two heads. "You leave here Shamus don’t think of coming back."
"I wouldn’t dream of it." I said and hopped in the driver seat and drove off, not once looking back. I had planned to drive to Cassa's, she was waiting and prepared but his words rang loud and I could not ignore them.'Do you believe in her dreams?'I did believe in her more than anything but the truth was there were no guarantee’s and I couldn’t bare for her to resent me. At the last minute I switched course and drove head on to California leaving my girl and my dad behind.
Once I made to the apartment that we rented while we worked the local bars and produced our first album, I was greeted with an equally depressed Chad. “Where’s Cass?” He asked his attention on the tv where he was playing Call of Duty with Cal.
I didn’t respond right away, just took in the small space. It was one bedroom. We decided that because Cass was coming we would get the room and the guys would rock the rest of the apartment like a studio. There was no way I was stepping foot in that room now. I hadn't even seen it and already it was a reminder of all I left behind.
“We broke up.” I said and tossed the suitcase down at my feet and slipped the two large back packs off each shoulder letting them fall as well.
Both Cal and Chad stopped the game immediately.“Holy fuck really?” Chad said and then cringed painfully. It was the ‘holy fuck’ that reminded him of Carrie and the fact he was single now too. We were both pathetic fools.
“Yeah. Look I’ll explain later yeah?” I asked and eyed the pallet of bedding in the corner. I had driven for nineteen hours but hadn’t slept in thirty six. I was exhausted and depressed and scared shitless of the choices I’d made.
My mom used to tell me every day before school to“have a good day and make good choices Shamus.” Fuck she would be disappointed in me now. I blamed my dad for the whole mess. He never gave a shit about my music and the need to play it. He cared about the water, the crabs and the boat and he drank like a fish in between those three things.
I don’t know if Chad or Cal said anything because I was too wrapped in my own head to notice. I grabbed a blanket and a pillow, tossing them to the floor. I lay on my back and tune out the sounds of battle and Chad and Cal talking trash to one another. I close my eyes and see her face and it feels like a knife to the skull. It physically hurts to think about her.
Every night after that I spent either drunk or fucking. I did anything I could to keep my mind free of dark brown curly hair that smelled like honeysuckle and green as envy eyes. I missed her I loved her and I had let her go. Not even three months later the guys finally told me she had married.
It had happened and I finally slept. I slept because it proved the old man right. We weren’t meant to be.
I used to be a little boy
