16
Eve had known that Felix would almost certainly turn down her offer to attend Meredith’s funeral with him, the day after they’d landed in San Francisco, but she’d wanted to make the offer anyway.
‘Thank you.’ He’d looked at her with those intense blue eyes of his, wearing the expression that had a way of making her forget there was anyone else in the world who had anything she wanted to hear. Before she’d met Felix, she’d have laughed if someone had said they could get lost in another person’s eyes, but now she understood. Maybe it was because just lately she wanted to get lost, to forget that anyone else existed. Whatever the reason his eyes were beautiful, like the sea on the sunniest of days in Cornwall, the realisation making her feel a tiny bit homesick. It was silly, because when she thought about all the things she loved about her adopted home, she had to admit that Felix was never at the top of that list and he was in California with her; a living, breathing reminder of ‘home’.
‘As much as I’d love the company, I need to be with the people who meant something to Merri and who might actually feel the loss of her in this world.’ He’d sighed deeply then, takinganother sip of his coffee, before setting it down. ‘When I met her, she so desperately wanted her life to mean something. She thought all the stuff she’d been through with addiction might have been because she was supposed to use that to help others and create some kind of legacy. Instead she fell back into it, and I just wish I could think of something that would mean it wasn’t all in vain.’
‘Isn’t she the reason why you volunteer at Domusamare?’ Eve had asked, and he’d nodded slowly.
‘I might not have been able to fix Meredith, but I know she’d have wanted me to keep trying to help other people who were fighting the same demons.’
‘Then that’s her legacy. I’ve seen the difference you make there, to people like Sophie. They’re all Meredith to you, and you might not be able to save all of them, but for every one that you help, you’re making a difference in her name.’
‘I know I’ve said it before, but I’m going to have to say it again. You’re amazing. Do you know that?’ Felix had reached across the table, knitting their fingers together and she’d wanted his hand to stay there. She wasn’t amazing, she wasn’t even loyal enough to Max and his family to be able to keep her feelings for Felix in check. The only reason she was supposed to be here was to persuade Lily to come home, but she’d known before she even got on the plane that she wasn’t even going to try. Eve had encouraged Max’s sister to leave in order to save her sanity and she’d never ask Lily to change her mind, no matter how much she might long to have her home. All Eve could do was hope that seeing her might pave the way for Lily to visit her family, but pressurising her to do that was out of the question. It meant she already knew she’d be letting down the family she loved even more badly than she had already. And the guilt that had kept her up the night before, when not even jet lag could summonthe blissful oblivion of sleep, was destined to be her travelling companion, no matter where she went.
Meredith’s funeral was being held on her birthday, at the insistence of her sister, Ashleigh.
‘I want the number of days when I have to remember how much it hurts to lose her to be minimised and, at least this way, there might be some good memories of this day – from when we were kids – mixed in with the bad ones.’ Ashleigh’s argument had some logic to it. Not that it was a strategy Felix would have gone for, but he’d given up the right to have any say in what happened when he’d split with Meredith. Despite all the conversations they’d had in the past about the best way to try and help Meredith, he’d wondered if her family would hold her death against him. He wouldn’t have been surprised if they’d tried to pin some of the blame for what had happened onto him, the way he’d done to himself. But when he’d called to give his condolences, that hadn’t been how it had gone.
‘Thank you for trying to help her for so long and for playing such a big part in giving her the part of her life when she was the happiest I’d ever seen her. It was such a bonus after we thought we’d lost her to addiction the first time.’ Ashleigh had sniffed hard then, unable to continue for a moment and Felix had given a shuddering sigh.
‘She fought so hard during that time and everything she achieved, she did herself. It was nothing to do with me. I’m just glad she was happy back then.’ Felix swallowed down the emotion that had been rising in his throat.
‘Me too.’ Ashleigh had started to sob then, and he’d felt incredibly helpless. It might not have made any difference toMeredith whether or not he was there to say his goodbyes, but it mattered to him and he knew it would matter to Ashleigh and her parents. They’d all done what they could to rescue Meredith, but over the years she’d damaged every relationship she’d had and rejected every offer of help.
The whole thing had started with alcohol and then it had escalated after a fairly minor car accident when she’d been in college. She’d been prescribed strong painkillers for an injury to her back. It had led to an addiction to pain meds, that had spiralled into something far more extreme and it had been the start of a cycle of addiction and attempts at recovery that had eventually killed her. Now Ashleigh had lost her sister, and their parents had lost their daughter. He knew they felt as if they’d lost her once already, when she’d been in the grip of addiction before, but this time there was no coming back. Meredith had used up her final chance, and nothing he or her family had done had been enough to change that. Maybe there would be people at the funeral who’d blame all of them for failing her, and he suspected a part of him would always wonder if he could have done more, but whatever anyone thought, he still wanted to be there, to prove that Meredith’s life had meant something to a lot of people, himself included.
On the morning of the funeral, Felix could feel Eve watching him from across the table as they met for breakfast in their hotel in downtown San Francisco.
‘I can’t eat my pancakes if I know you’re watching me like that.’ He looked up and caught her in the act, and she gave an apologetic shrug. He had no appetite anyway. He just wanted today to be over and for Meredith to finally be at peace. Eve hadinsisted that he try and eat, though, so he’d put some pancakes on his plate to humour her, thinking he could push them around a bit and fool her into thinking he’d eaten some, but she was watching him like a hawk.
‘Sorry, I was just trying to see if you’re okay. I know you keep saying you are, but I just wanted to make sure. It’s not too late for me to come with you. I know I’d want someone to lean on for support, and God knows you’ve been there often enough for me lately.’
‘Thanks, but I need to do this alone.’ Part of him really wanted to take Eve up on her offer, but he wasn’t sure Meredith’s family would have understood him bringing a total stranger to her funeral, just so he had someone to lean on, and he really did need to do this alone. He had to face up to the fact that he’d walked away from Meredith and see if he could forgive himself for it. It didn’t matter what Eve said to him, or even what Meredith’s family had said. He had to decide for himself ifhecould be okay with what he’d done. Having Eve there would only muddy the waters, because she would be desperate to convince him that he deserved forgiveness and he was nowhere near sure that it was true.
Not wanting her there with him today didn’t change how glad he was that Eve had agreed to come on the trip. They might only have three full days in the city he’d once called home before they had to fly back again, but he was determined to make it count. She needed a break far more than she seemed to realise. ‘Honestly, Eve, you’ve already done more than you’ll ever know by agreeing to come out here at the same time as me. Knowing I can talk to you about everything when I get back from the funeral tonight means a lot. If you’re still up for meeting for dinner, that is?’
‘Absolutely. I’ll make sure I don’t eat too much when I meet Lily for lunch. You’ve got to pace yourself over here, you know?And if you’re not going to eat any of those pancakes, they could probably be donated to feed a family of five.’
He raised his eyebrows. ‘All this talk of pacing yourself from the girl who made the taxi driver stop off for fried chicken on the way from the airport.’
‘That meal on the plane looked like something that belongs in a kidney bowl at work.’ She shuddered. ‘But Lily said she knows the best diner, three blocks from Fisherman’s Wharf, and apparently the sandwiches areWhen Harry Met Sallylevel, if you know what I mean.’
‘Don’t go having an experience like that without me.’ As soon as the words were out of Felix’s mouth, he wished he could take them back. He didn’t want Eve to think he was being creepy, or thinking about herlike that, when she’d made it clear they could only ever be friends. Ever since the kiss, it had been almost impossible not to think of her in that way, but he had to try, because he’d rather have her as a friend than not have her in his life at all. ‘I just meant, you know, if you’re going to have a sandwich that amazing, the experience would be enhanced by being able to reminisce about it with a friend.’
‘If it’s as great as Lily claims it’s going to be, I’ll take you back there before we go home.’
‘It’s a date.’ He was doing it again, saying things that made the situation unnecessarily awkward. It was time for a change of subject. ‘Are you apprehensive about seeing Lily?’
‘Now that I’m here, I’m not sure what I’m even doing.’ Eve’s attempt at a smile didn’t even make it halfway. ‘I miss Lily so much, and I know how much Annie and Nigel miss her. They think I’m here to try and persuade her to come home, but I couldn’t be honest with them about that and I don’t know if I’m going to be able to be honest with Lily either. I don’t want her to come home if it means she goes back to that dark place she was in before she left, but the truth is, I don’t want to be the onetrying to hold Annie together all by myself any more either. I don’t really know what I’m hoping for, except maybe that Annie will wish she was here instead of me, seeing Lily and spending time with her, and she’ll realise it’s okay to step away from Max for long enough to come and see her daughter. If she does it might allow her to see that it’s okay for me to step back from Max every now and then as well. So the truth is, I’m not just here for Annie and Nigel’s sake, or even because of how desperately I miss Lily. I’m far more selfish than that. I’m a horrible person, aren’t I?’
‘You’re about as far from being a horrible person as anyone I know.’ He hesitated, knowing he probably shouldn’t say what he was about to, but he did it anyway. ‘And whatever you end up saying to Lily, I’m really glad you decided to come out here.’
‘I only did it because you promised to show me the sights, don’t forget. A whistle-stop tour of San Francisco like no other, I seem to remember you promising me.’ Her smile was genuine this time and he would have given anything for them to be here for different reasons. He wished they’d met at the hospital, without any of the baggage that was dragging them both down, and that he’d brought her to see the city he’d adopted as home for several years. He wished their kiss could have gone somewhere and that they could have dated like any other normal couple, but he understood better than anyone the ties that bound you to the past. He just hoped that whatever Max’s sister decided to do, Eve would find her own passport to a new life at some point soon. It wasn’t just because he would love the chance to get to know her even better than he already did, it was because she so clearly deserved it. But putting herself first didn’t come naturally to Eve, and he was worried it never would. The least he could do was make sure she had the best possible time in San Francisco.
‘I promise you’ll get to see all the big highlights and I’ll also show you a few places that only locals know about. Alcatraz, the Pier 39 sea lions and the Golden Gate Bridge are all amazing, but there’s a place I know that does a chowder that blows all the tourist offerings out of the water.’
‘That sounds amazing. Do you think we might be a bit too obsessed with food?’ She laughed and he held up his hands in response, grateful that she didn’t seem to have realised he still hadn’t taken a single bite of the breakfast she’d insisted he have.
