‘You were both in such an impossible position and I suspect Annie wasn’t in the right frame of mind to listen to any kind of reason, so Lily was probably right.’
‘I think she was and I’m so grateful that things have thawed a bit between them. At least there are text messages and calls now, and even the odd FaceTime.’ Eve closed her eyes for a moment, swallowing hard before she continued. ‘They’ve both had mental health crises since the assault and they’re both still incredibly fragile, but I’m sure spending time together would make a huge difference. No matter how hard I try I can’t persuade Annie to leave Max to go out for a visit, and I think Lily is still scared to come home, in case she can’t leave again. I don’t know what to do to help any more. All I know is that I miss Lily loads, she’s like my little sister as well as Max’s.’
‘Why can’t you go to see her?’
‘I can’t leave Max either.’
Felix looked at her for a long moment. ‘Do you really think he’d care if you didn’t visit for a week?’
‘Harsh.’ She laughed then, but it was brittle and far more humourless than it should have been. ‘You’re probably right, but Annie would. She’d be scared that I’d do the same as Lily and never come back.’
‘You’re not the sort to run away, surely she must realise that.’ Felix made it sound so certain and Eve wasn’t sure whether to take it as a compliment or an insult.
‘Maybe not, but I really do wish I could go out there.’ Eve’s honesty had shocked her, and Felix looked surprised too.
‘So why don’t you? We could travel together, I know I could use a friend.’ He made it sound so easy, but he was being ridiculous. She couldn’t just up and leave and fly half way across the world on a whim. Except she was about to start a week’s leave and if she could tack a day or two on the end, it might technically be possible. Although just because something waspossible,actually making it happen was very different.
‘I’d be worried about Annie, she’d be super stressed the whole time, thinking that I either wouldn’t come back, or that something would happen to me out there. She’s already got every news app on her phone set up for alerts about San Francisco, in case something happens to Lily.’ Eve could picture the older woman’s face if she told her she was jetting off to California for a week. It would be like Edvard Munch’s painting ofThe Screamcome to life.
‘Tell her you want to see Lily and check how she’s doing. It’s not a lie and I’m sure Annie will welcome someone checking in on her daughter and, who knows, maybe once you’ve visited it will open up the pathway of Lily coming home for a visit next time, or even of Annie going out there for a break eventually?’
‘Even if I thought it might have that effect, I can’t just book a flight last minute and go to California.’
‘Yes, you can; in my opinion that sort of thing is what the internet was invented for and it would save me sitting next tosomeone who snores like as walrus for the entire eleven hour flight.’ He raised his eyebrows, a genuine smile on his face for the first time.
‘How do you know I don’t snore like a walrus?’ She mirrored his expression and he shrugged.
‘Just a hunch, but I’d like to have the chance to find out for definite.’ As he spoke two bright spots of heat coloured her cheeks and she tried not to think about all the things she’d love to discover about Felix. She should have shut it down, told him he was being absolutely ridiculous to think that she could finally take Lily up on her offer to go and visit, but to her shock she found herself nodding. Maybe the fact that she’d already arranged leave was a sign of the universe telling her to do it.
‘Okay, I’ll talk to Annie and if she can cope with me going, I’ll speak to Lily to see if it’s a possibility. For all I know, Lily might be away herself, or not have the space for visitors right now.’ Dropping her hand to her side, Eve found herself crossing her fingers, but she wasn’t sure what she was hoping for. If Annie or Lily put the brakes on her visiting San Francisco, there was far less chance that she might cross the boundary between friendship and something else with Felix. After their kiss, she’d firmly drawn that line in the sand, or she’d thought she had. At least this way she was leaving it up to fate to decide. If the universe decreed that she should make the visit, then who was she to argue?Itwould also have to take responsibility for the consequences, because when she looked at Felix, it definitely wasn’t just friendship on her mind.
Even on the short flight from Exeter to Heathrow, Felix had been expecting Eve to change her mind and tell him she was gettingoff there, turning around and heading straight back home again, instead of sharing a flight with him across the Atlantic. But she hadn’t.
‘I’m doing this for Annie.’ She said for at least the fifteenth time as they waited at the boarding gate at Heathrow to be called forward to take their seats on the flight.
‘I know you are.’ If it helped her to hear it, he was more than happy to give her the affirmation she needed, even if he hoped it wasn’t entirely true. He hoped that at least a tiny part of her was here because she wanted to spend time with him. It was terrible for him to want that, especially given the nature of his own visit to San Francisco, but he’d have been lying if having her company hadn’t made the prospect of the trip a million times more appealing.
‘I’m just worried about how much hope she’s pinning on me being able to persuade Lily to come home.’ Eve turned to look at him. ‘I don’t want to let Annie down, but I don’t want to force Lily into that either. No one deserves to feel trapped by obligation. We only get one life.’
‘We do, indeed.’ Felix couldn’t help wondering if Eve could hear the irony in her own words. Duty had made her restrict her life for almost two years and he had a horrible feeling it might determine the course of the rest of her life. She deserved so much more than that, but she had to see that for herself. No one could tell her that, because she wasn’t ready to listen. He just hoped that maybe, when she reflected on the conversations she was going to have with Lily in the next few days, she’d be able to apply them to her own life too. In the meantime, he wanted to do his best to reassure her. ‘Whatever happens, you won’t let Annie down, she’s incredibly grateful for everything you do, not just for Max but for all of them. I’ve heard her saying that to anyone who’ll listen.’
‘I owe her and Nigel so much.’
‘You don’t have to repay love like a debt, not when you’ve given it as freely as you have.’ He was looking straight at her and for a moment he thought she might close the gap between them again, just as she had on the day they’d kissed, but then she laughed.
‘You should put that on a plaque and sell it in the souvenir shops in Port Kara. It would outsell “Live, Laugh, Love,” and “Dance Like No one’s Watching” for sure!’
He tried for a look of mock outrage, but it was soon replaced by a grin. ‘Sometimes I’ve got no idea why I like you.’
‘But you do.’ She laughed again and he whispered his response under his breath, so that not even she could hear him.
‘More than you’ll ever know.’
When they were called forward to board the plane a few minutes later, Felix could tell she was worried. He didn’t know whether it was because she was still concerned about letting Annie down, or because she was a nervous flyer. But then, as the plane taxied down the runway, she clasped his hand.
‘Sorry, but take offs and landings really get to me.’
‘It’s okay, you can hold onto my hand for as long as you need to. I’m just grateful I’m not a surgeon, because with a grip like that you could jeopardise my career.’ It was his turn to laugh and she rolled her eyes calling him a drama queen before relaxing her grip just a little bit. But she didn’t let go, not even when the plane climbed into the sky and levelled out, the drama of the take off over. It wasn’t until her eyes grew heavy from the early start, more than half an hour after they’d taxied down the runway, and she gave into sleep, that she finally released her grip on his hand. And from the moment she let go, he missed it.
