I had fought my demons, and just like always, I had lost.
I couldn’t find a way out of my situation, and perhaps, for me, there wasn’t a way out.
“Sorry, I didn’t want to make you mad,” she told me, and I rubbed my temple with one finger. I had developed a headache all of a sudden. I needed a smoke.
“Shut your trap,” I snapped at her, and she looked away awkwardly. Agitated, I felt around in my jacket for my packet of Winstons. Finding it, I pulled out a cigarette with my teeth, clenching my lips around it to hold it in place. I wasn’t going to light it—I knew the clinic’s rules—but I needed to keep it there, inert, to soothe myself.
“Oh, I’m glad to see you, Neil. You’ve finally come to visit us.” Dr. Krug Lively appeared before me wearing his usual business casual and a benevolent gaze. I figured from the small smile on his face that he hadn’t picked up on the conversation Head Case and I had been having. I tucked my cigarette away and grunted. Beside him stood John Keller, his partner in the clinic, who was nattily dressed in a dark blue suit. Unlike Krug, John had an enviable aura of class, especially when he wore his high-end blazers and jackets. In a way, I appreciated his sartorial flair—it suggested an independent spirit, someone who didn’t give a flying fuck what other people thought, like me.
“Hi, son,” John greeted me, and I just gave him a chin dip in response. I hadn’t seen him since he told me that story about the dolphin and the pearl, and I hoped he wasn’t about to start that bullshit up again. That was also the time when I’d told him about Selene, about the “kiss me like you love me” fortune that I still secretly kept in my wallet, and how, right there in that Detroit diner, Babygirl had been ready to bare her soul to me with that word I hated most in all the world:love.
“How have you been?” he asked, moving closer.
“Not bad. And how are you doing, John?” I spoke to him with casual ease, the way he’d encouraged me to in the past. I saw Dr. Lively frown, though, like he was wondering when his partner and I had gotten to a first-name basis with one another.
“And since when are you two friends?” he asked.
“Neil and I had a conversation a little bit ago out by our lovely fountain in the garden. I got to know him a bit better, and I have to say, he’s a great guy,” John said, hyping me up, but I just watched him, indifferent. He was, after all, a shrink I’d spoken to a handful of times; I could hardly trust his assessment.
“And a terrible patient, considering he’s never once listened to me,” Dr. Lively cut in drily. If he’d been serious, I would have responded in kind, but because I could hear the irony in his voice, I said nothing.
“And Megan! Are you ready for today?” John asked Head Case, who had been sitting quietly on the sofa ever since my outburst. She nodded silently and got to her feet, moving toward us. For a moment, I thought I could smell her orange blossom perfume in the air, but that was probably just a sensory hallucination. There was another odor, however, that I recognized for sure: the smell of defeat. I’d won a battle here, and though it wasn’t the war, after this the bitch would understand that she’d been playing with the wrong one.
“Of course, when do we start?” she said enthusiastically, pasting a plastic smile on her face. She didn’t deign to acknowledge me at all, and that was just fine with me. I stared at her for a few moments, and when she noticed my gaze locked on her, she looked embarrassed, a faint blush appearing on her cheeks.
“Perfect. Alright, let’s go.” John gestured for us both to follow him, though there was no need for him to lead. I was familiar with the clinic and already had an idea where we were headed: the extra-large room they used for groups and meetings.
Everything was just how I remembered it: secure doors, a sterile environment, and an omnipresent security system. All of the common areas and some of the treatment spaces had cameras used to spy on patients sothe doctors could see if the individual courses of therapy were having the desired effect.
I still remembered back when I was being treated there. I used to sneak into the bathroom to evade the cameras along with this chick who worked there so I could practice all of Kimberly’s lessons on her.
“How does it feel to roam these halls once again?” Lively asked me, pulling me from my thoughts. He smiled slightly at me, and I shrugged.
“Boring. Same as always,” I answered flatly, choosing not to tell him about the impromptu trip down memory lane my brain had taken me on, reminding me of everything I’d gotten up to during my teens and early twenties. “How many people are going to be at this thing?” I asked disinterestedly. I’d never really cared to know how many others had lived through what I’d lived through.
“Approximately twenty-one,” John answered for him from in front of us, where he was walking beside Megan. Megan, who continued to ignore me. Maybe I’d put her nose out of joint, and she’d get right back to busting my balls when she got over it, or maybe she’d finally realized that she shouldn’t be fucking with me in the first place.
I enjoyed imagining that it was the latter.
“We have eleven men and ten women who are regulars,” Dr. Lively added as we approached a sliding door, which opened automatically to let us pass. “You remember where everything is, right? The library, the game room, the fitness center, a room for music therapy, and another for bibliotherapy. I created all of this in my attempt to improve outcomes. I wanted to make sure that every patient has a healthy, comfortable environment,” Lively explained, like he was trying to sell me on coming back to resume therapy with him. But I was standing firm on my decision to quit.
“Your clinic bears a close resemblance to a luxury resort, Doctor Lively, I get it. Don’t waste your time hyping it up to me because I’m not coming back here. The only reason I agreed to attend this meeting was because you insisted, and I wanted to get you off my fucking back. You should be content with me showing up today!” I blurted it out all in one breath, drawing John and Head Case’s attention as well. I hadn’t realized I was raising my voice. I got anxious and lost my cool very easily when I felt pressured, as I did inthat moment. I scrubbed a hand over my face and tried to get my breathing back under control.
“Okay, I apologize, Neil. I was just making conversation.” Dr. Lively’s tone shifted dramatically. He sounded placid and even, just the way I liked him.
Finally, we reached a large room, half full of people.
The young men and women in the room, all about my age, were milling around and chatting. I observed them carefully, sniffing out details like a bloodhound. Immediately, a few stuck out from the crowd: a curly-haired girl who lingered in the back of the room hugging a teddy bear and a dude with a bandanna keeping his messy black hair off his forehead who strummed on a guitar, occasionally pausing to jot something down in a notebook. Then there was the tattooed guy smoking a cigarette out on a little veranda with a cute blond plastered against him.
She smiled constantly, and he watched her like he was starving—yes, truly starving—as he gazed at her slim, well-proportioned body clad in a delicately pretty, long-sleeved dress.
“Drew! Brenda!” Dr. Lively’s attention was drawn to the couple I’d just been staring at, and they both jumped. Irritated, they looked first at me and then at Megan before turning their attention to the doctors as the whole room immediately fell silent. “Come here, everyone,” he went on sternly, and everyone dropped what they were doing to come over to us. Except for the tattooed guy who whispered something into the blond’s ear and gave her ass a squeeze before heading over.
“What’s going on, Dr. Lively,” asked the girl—Brenda—adjusting the exaggerated neckline of her dress. I took the opportunity to slowly run my gaze up and down her shapely body. I ended up lingering on her long blond hair, which extended well past her breasts, and then on her bright blue eyes, blue as the sea. For a moment, I lost myself, thinking of the ocean eyes I searched for everywhere, the ones I found again in every face. The ones that were so far away from me now.
“Be patient, Brenda, I’ll explain everything,” John answered gently.
All at once, I felt terribly exposed and disquieted with so many curious eyes boring into me. The women in particular were watching me closely, like it was the first time they’d ever seen a man in their fucking lives. Theblond especially was checking me out carefully, letting me know right away that she very much liked what she was seeing. Liked it a bit too much for a girl who was, just moments before, making eyes at some other dude.
