He wiped at the tears with his thumb. “Go take a shower.” Somber blue eyes met hers. “I’ll find you something to put on and we can put your clothes in the washing machine.”
Numbly she nodded, grateful for something practical to do, a break from the heavy tension.
When she came out of the shower she found one of Connor’s T-shirts, a pair of boxers, and some blue fleece joggers laid out on his bed. Of course they were all huge on her, because her boyfriend was a big hunky man.
A big hunky man with a heart of gold.
A man who had every right to be upset, to be angry with her tonight at blowing up their relationship. Yet who’d gone out of his way to make it as easy as possible for her to walk away from him.
Letting out a sob of anguish she climbed onto the bed and clutched at his T-shirt, inhaling his scent. If taking the job was the right thing to do, why did she feel so utterly miserable?
He’d kept his emotions in check all evening. Even as his heart had been shattering into a million pieces, Connor had forced himself to remain calm and give Olivia what she needed, which was an out. A free pass to end their relationship so she could pursue the career she’d always wanted.
If he’d spent the past few months hoping she’d change her mind about not wanting a husband, not wanting kids, the mistake was his.
So he’d laid out some clothes for her, picked up the clothes that needed washing, and methodically shoved them into the washing machine.
Then he’d gone outside and punched his fist into the wall. And, fuck, it had hurt, but it was nothing to the hurt currently tearing his chest in two.
Now he had to jam his emotions back into their box, walk inside, and pretend she hadn’t just devastated him, that, actually, though he was sad, his life would carry on, even with the crater-size hole she’d leave behind.
He didn’t know if he was that good an actor.
Just as he was closing the French windows, she stepped into the living room and his heart lurched. Pale face, hair for once loose around her shoulders. She should have looked ridiculous in his clothes. Instead she looked like everything he’d always wanted.
Her gaze lifted to his and he noted the telltale red rims around her eyes. He wasn’t the only one upset, but somehow that didn’t help.
She nodded down to his joggers. “They’re a bit on the large side.”
“Need to get yourself a shorter boyfriend next time.” Her expression crumbled as if he’d hit her. “Fuck, sorry, that was a shitty thing to say.” He strode over and wrapped her in his arms. “I’m trying to act cool, like I’m not completely devastated and clueless as to how I can move forward from this. But I will,” he assured her. “And New York isn’t that far. There’s video calls and things called planes.” If he was ever able to find the money to fly him and Ellie over there.
“A long-distance relationship between us isn’t tenable.” Hazel eyes that shimmered with tears locked into his. “You know that.”
“Maybe, but you could be less honest for once, less direct.” He kissed her to soften his words. “Let a guy live in cloud cuckoo land for a bit.”
“I’m not saying it for you, I’m saying it for me.” She closed her eyes and leaned into him. “I can’t cling to false hope. It would be like torture, slowly breaking my spirit. This needs to be a clean break.”
“Fine.” He exhaled heavily, his control hanging by a thread. “But I’ll always be here for you in whatever capacity you need.”
“Oh God, don’t say that.” She sniffed, tears running down her face. “I can’t cope when you’re being nice.”
“How about ‘You’re a coldhearted bitch and you’ve ruined my life.’” He forced a smile. “Better?”
“No. Too close to the mark.” Suddenly her face fell. “What about Ellie? I don’t want her to think I’ve abandoned her, that I’ve upped and gone without a thought.” She buried her face in her hands, shoulders heaving up and down. “This is awful. I want to know if she gets the part, I want to see the damn play.”
She was right, hope was dangerous, but he was too weak, too emotionally pummeled, not to cling to it. “Just because it’s a clean break for you and me doesn’t mean it’s a clean break fromus.” He tilted her chin. “Strip away sex and romantic love, it still leaves friendship. We can be friends, Livvy. Long-distance friends.”
In that moment he convinced himself there would come a time when he could see her on a video call and not want to touch her, hold her. Not still be hopelessly in love with her.
“Yes, yes.” She heaved out a breath. “That sounds... better. We’ll make it work. As friends.”
He eased them both onto the sofa, maneuvered her so she was sitting in his lap. “But tonight, we’re more than friends,” he murmured, kissing across her collarbone, revealed by the neck of his T-shirt that was way too big on her. “Tonight I want to make out with my girlfriend on the sofa. And then make love to her in my bed.”For the last time.
Fuck, he didn’t know if he could do this.
He was so lost in his wretched thoughts, it took him a moment to realize she was staring at his hand. “Connor? What happened?”
He glanced down to where her fingers rubbed gentle circles over his grazed knuckles. “Just scraped my hand. I’ll wash it when we go to bed.”
