“Yep.”
“Would I know this person?”
“Well, I don’t know. You do live in Humboldt County, so it’s possible you’ve been stoned the past few years…”
Kenzie smacked me. “Shut up,” she said, laughing.
“Yeah, you’ve probably heard of him.”
“Are you going to tell me, or do I have to guess?”
“I’ll tell you if you promise me you’re not going to freak out.”
“I promise.”
“Seriously, Kenzie. You can’t tell anyone else on this island, not even Dale or Marsha.”
“I said I promise. Now just tell me.”
“My last name is McKallister.”
Kenzie sat there a second processing my words, and then her eyebrows rose in surprise and her lips formed into an O and she even said the word. “Oh.” Then followed it with, “Shit. Really?”
“Yes, really.”
Then her eyes got even wider, and her face took on a cartoonish expression of shock.Shit, here it goes. Cue the Jake worship.
“Oh, my god. Kyle. Crap! Crap!”
“You said you wouldn’t freak out. Stop yellingcrap, Kenzie.”
“No.Crab. Crab going up your pant leg.” She jumped up screeching.
“What?” I looked at my shorts and saw nothing. I patted the fabric, and then I felt the pinch. “Ouch!” I jumped up on the rock. We were both screaming. “It’s got me.”
I pulled the leg of my board shorts up to reveal a colorful crab actually dangling there on my inner thigh. Kenzie was jumping up and down, laughing and squealing.
“Don’t just stand there. Help me get it off.”
“You want me to stick my hands up your shorts?”
“You want it to pinch my balls?”
We both looked over to the sound guy and cameraman who had big smiles on their faces. Kenzie started giggling again.
I wasn’t paying any mind to her or them. The pink-clawed fiddler crap had my full and undivided attention. I grabbed his shell and yanked, but the pincher didn’t detach from the flesh, and I screamed in protest. Kenzie doubled over in laughter, so loud and so hysterical that I realized I was completely alone in this ordeal.
I took hold of the crab with one hand and tried to pry his claw off me with the other. The two of us were playing tug a war, with my skin as the victim. This went on for an uncomfortably long period of time, neither one of us willing to concede defeat. Finally, after a swift, firm yank, my little tormentor mercifully let go. I gasped in surprise at the sharp pain and then threw the offending creature out into the water.
“Fucking crab,” I mumbled.
Kenzie was struggling to pull herself together as I rubbed my sore thigh. “Oh, lord… oh, Kyle, that was classic, really just epic,” she said wiping tears away. “I mean, if you weren’t already the star of this season, that little episode with the crab is pretty much going to seal the deal.”
* * *
Kenzieand I didn’t talk about my admission until we were well away from the beach and the intrusive cameras. I wasn’t sure what was going on in her head, but her reaction surprised me. She didn’t seem all that impressed and didn’t appear to be treating me any differently. Because the camera typically didn’t follow us to the poophole, Kenzie and I made a break for it. It wasn’t until we were standing in front of our makeshift bathroom that she brought up my relationship with Jake.
“So are you older or younger?”
