“It wasn’t there when I arrived.”
“No.” She continued to stare at him, and some of that simmering anger began to bubble over. “What? I’m supposed to get through tonight without venting? Without wanting to shove my hand through a brick wall?” He let his head fall back against the sofa and stared up at the ceiling. “I’m trying here, Livvy, trying to be the guy you need me to be right now, but it’s fucking hard.”
“I know.” Her voice broke and she curled up on his lap. “This isn’t how it was supposed to be. I want to be excited,proud, but all I can think right now is what this job is going to take away from me, not what it’s going to give me.”
Then don’t let it, he wanted to scream, but what was the point? She was going to go to New York, maybe miss him and Ellie for a few months before she found her feet. Then she’d take the world of finance by storm and never look back.
He was the one who’d momentarily held everything he’d ever wanted in the palm of his hand and then had it snatched away from him.
Chapter 35
Olivia stared at the suitcases in her hall. None of this seemed real. A week ago today she’d woken in Connor’s bed, his arms around her, and everything had been right with the world. They’d walked in the woods, kicked at the autumn leaves. She’d gone riding with Ellie and afterward they’d had an indoor picnic, eating cocktail sausages and homemade sesame-chicken strips cross-legged on the floor while watchingToy Story 4.
But since Monday, her life had taken a dramatic turn and she’d not had chance to breathe, never mind second-guess herself. There had been endless meetings with Simon to understand the role of CIO and with HR to sort out where she was going to live until she could find her own place, interviews with her team to find her replacement, plus she had to do her actual job. It meant she’d not had time to think too much about that awful, emotional goodbye to Connor and Ellie. Not had time to replay the image of him standing at the tube station, Ellie on his shoulders, his face haggard, as she’d given him a final wave before darting through the barriers, tears streaming down her face.
She’d barely managed to squeeze in a hasty visit to her sisters and mum last night to say goodbye to them. That was another image she was determined not to replay in her head—the incredulous looks they’d given her, like she’d lost her mind.
Her phone beeped with a message from Ashley.
Please tell me you’ve seen sense and aren’t standing surrounded by suitcases waiting for a cab to the airport.
Because she needed it, she let the anger surface.
Why is what I’m doing not sensible?
Instantly her phone pinged back.
Because you love Connor. And have developed deep feelings for Ellie. And unlike your career, they love you back.
Her heart gave a vicious twist.
Connor had told her to go, though, hadn’t he? She leaned against the wall, vision blurring as an image of his scraped knuckles flashed through her mind. Okay, he loved her, but there was no guarantee that would always be the case. At some point he’d probably want to start another family with a woman his age. Was she supposed to give up on her career, change her life goals, on the chance he’d stick around? She’d been happy as a career woman before, so she could be happy with that again.
Quickly she fired off a reply to Ashley.
This is hard enough without you and Jess hounding me. Have made my decision. Am turning off my phone until I get to NY. Love you.
She picked up her travel case—her assistant was arranging to fly the others out later—stepped outside, and locked the door behind her. As she stepped into the lift, though, her mind refused to settle.
Everything about what she was doing felt wrong.
Wrongbecause both her sisters were worried for her. Both thought she would regret choosing this job over Connor. Regret moving to New York, away from everyone who loved her.
“Do you even know what a catch he is?” Jessica had yelled at her when she’d phoned her this morning. “A man who’s sexy and funny andkind. Who can braid a girl’s hair, rustle up a gourmet meal, then roll his hips on the dance floor like a hot stud without losing a beat.”
Wrongbecause her mum hadn’t looked proud when she’d told her what she was doing. She’d looked disappointed. “I’m afraid you’re putting all this energy into a career because you think it will stop you from ending up trapped like me, but it wasyour fatherwho was trapped, who missed out on life, on happiness, because he couldn’t get off the career treadmill.”
Wrongbecause every night this week she’d wanted to phone Connor to get a dose of his humor, his calm, his unwavering strength. She’d resisted because he didn’t deserve to be used like that, as an emotional crutch. He deserved to be with a woman who supportedhim, who put his needs first. Because he’d always put her needs before his own.
Her heart faltered as stepped out of the lift and across the lobby.
When Olivia had to leave the office because Mia was sick, nobody at work had helped her. They’d not even tried to reschedule the meeting. Yet Connor had rearranged his whole day to be there for her when she needed him. Even though she’d not asked him to.
This was the same man who’d expected her to choose her career over him. Expected her to think her work was worth more than he was.
Far from trapping her, he’d set her free.
So why wasn’t she flapping her wings, ready to fly? Why instead did she feel like she was walking into a cage? Back to working late into the night and eating takeouts, to working at the weekend. To being alone.
