Jake nodded in agreement, and Luke poured some into his open palm. Only those two would find my nephew’s descent into a life of petty crime a positivething.
“Anyway, the candy heist happened on Miles’s watch, while Darcy was showering, and now she’spissed.”
“Understandably,” Momagreed.
“Yeah, well, anyway, he’s trying to escape now, but I don’t know if it will be possible. I mean thosekidsare…”
“Wild?” she said,interruptingLuke.
“No, evil. I was going tosayevil.”
“Luke. They’re children.Benice.”
“Me? Riley keeps repeating everything I say and not in a friendly way. He’s making me feel insecure. And Syd, she’s got the makings of a true sociopath. First she crawled under the bed and tied my laces together, then when I went down flat on my back, she tried to smother me with apillow.”
“I’m sure Sydney wasn’t trying toactuallysmother you,” our mother said, attempting to explain away the behavior of her adoredgranddaughter.
“Oh, I’m, pretty sure she was. She had a back-up pillow and everything. Anyway, Spacey Casey, my advice to you would be to keep your corroded penny as far away from our little niece and nephew as possible; that is, if you ever desire to have children ofyourown.”
“Speaking of that,” Mom said, drawing the words out longer than need be as she scanned Luke with her eyes, “when can I be expecting somefromyou?”
“Children?!” he asked, as if it were the stupidest thing she’d saidallyear.
“Yes. What did you think Imeant?”
“Well, I don’t know. Were you not listening to the earlier conversation I was having with Jake about my ladyproblems?”
“Oh, I thought it was just a problem at hisconcerts.”
“No, no. It’s a problem pretty much across the board. Here’s the thing, Mom,” Luke settled in for a teaching moment. “And, believe me, I do understand it’s been a while for you, but having kids requires the organs of both sexes, and since mine hasn’t seen anything but the inside of a white tube sock for some time now, the closest I’m going to get to making your dream come true is a pair of babybooties.”
“Oh, god!” Dad groaned. He always did hate our frank sex talks. “Get out. Allofyou!”
“Don’t listen to him,” Mom said, waving off his demands. Her face was already aglow with the promise of juicy gossip. “Why don’t you just go out and find yourself a nice woman, then? Instead of dirtying up perfectly goodsocks?”
“Well, dammit, Mom. Why didn’t I think of that?” Luke pretended to write her advice down on an imaginary piece of paper. “Have sex withactualwoman.”
“You cannot tell me that no one is interested. You’re the fullpackage.”
“The great thing about moms,” he said in mock admiration, “is how truly delusional they are when it comes to their ownoffspring.”
“Oh, please. She’s right,” I said. “You’rehandsome…”
“Uh-huh,” Lukeagreed.
“Funny…”
“Uh-huh.”
“Tall…”
“Uh-huh.”
“Andemployed.”
“Uh-huh. All valid points except you forgot about the elephant in the room.” Luke grabbed his belly to emphasize that he was the oversized mammal inquestion.
He’d always been a bigger kid, his whole life. While Miles and I were on the shorter, scrawnier side, Luke had been not only awkwardly tall from a young age, but also impossibly wide. It wasn’t like his size had ever stopped him; in fact, by the time he was eight or nine, Luke had football coaches dropping to their knees in gratitude. Not only was he a big boy, but he also had a fighting spirit that propelled him to sports stardom in high school and beyond. But without the daily practice that had defined his school years, Luke had added some extra weight and had been struggling to lose it eversince.
