“If you can’t find a good woman because you’re carrying a few extra pounds,” Mom said, “then clearly you’re looking in all the wrongplaces.”
“It’s not afewextra, but thanks for the understatement,” Luke said, sighing. “I’ve got to get my ass moving and not just to the refrigerator. Too bad I can’t afford a personal trainer, like some peopleIknow.”
Jake looked up as if he’d just realized the ‘some people’ Luke was referring to happened to be him. “If you’re talking about me, I don’t have atrainer.”
My brother grimaced. “Of course youdon’t.”
“I hear the gym is a great place to meet women,” Mom piped in, never one to give up on achallenge.
“Oh, I’m sure it is… if you look like him.” Luke aggressively singled out my husband-to-be. “Or any one of his goddamn brothers. Youguyssuck.”
“You’re deflecting. Stay focused on the task at hand. What about a Starbucks, or a park? Or hell, Luke, just head for the corner bar. I’m okay with your betrothed being able to pound them down as long as she has the will power to lay off the liquid while she’s pregnant.” Mom was diggingdeepnow.
“Interesting. And would you also accept a drug addict, as long as she halts her heroin intake while my child is inutero?”
Mom’s eyes were lit with amusement. “I mean, if that’s all I can get, Iguess.”
“Why don’t you just meet your baby mama online, like everyone else?” Isuggested.
“You don’t think I’ve tried? Trust me, that’s not the solution. A few weeks ago, they suggested mycousin.”
“What?” I gaped, unable to control the snickering. “Wait – first or secondcousin?”
“Again, does it really matter? What is it with you and Mom and your weirdquestions?”
No one was listening to his objections as we were all holding our breath in anticipation of the answer. Even Dad yelled from the bathroom, demanding to know whichcousin.
“Fine – it wasBrooke.”
“Brooke?” Mom blurted out at the exact moment her brows hit the ceiling. “Harvard gradBrooke?”
“That would be the one. And let me just say, tomorrow’s going to be exceedinglyawkward.”
“Good lord, whatever did the two of you have incommon?”
“Apparently we both like dogs – and sharedgenetics.”
“Well, that’s just… wow, just awesome, Luke,” Mom cooed. “I’m sure the two of you will make a lovelycouple.”
“Uh-huh, have a good laugh, but unless you’re okay with your grandchildren sporting an extra nostril and a smattering of belly buttons, then Brooke’s probably not an idealchoice.”
“So you’re telling me you haven’t found one interesting woman on those dating sites?” I asked. “Three quarters of the population under forty aresignedup.”
“Oh, I’ve found interesting women, but the only ones interested in me are… how should I put this nicely… cuckoo for CocoaPuffs.”
“How about you try to revise your shallow points system?” Momproposed.
“Are you suggesting I go below a four?” Luke blurted out, clearly offended. “Jesus, Mom. Thanks for the support. I’m not a bad-looking guy. If I got rid of a spare tire or two, I’m fairly confident I could rank higher than I currently do, but until then, I’ll have to settle for the Heathers of theworld.”
“Do I even wanttoknow?”
“I think youneedto know what I’m dealing with here. I came across this woman on Tinder, totally within my range, and she looked sweet. Nice smile. But then Iscrolleddown.”
“No, dude!” Jake said, clearly enjoying Luke’s misadventures. “Neverscrolldown.”
“Well, I did!” he spat back, trying to maintain his livid exterior, although the smile threatening to break free gave him away. “Nothing I can do about it now. Anyway, I read her tagline, and it’s all in third person. Heather likes brisk walks in the park. Heather likes candlelight dinners by the water. Heather likes microwaving small, defenseless animals. Uh, yeah, Heather, I’m no relationship expert, but I think I know why you’re stillsingle.”
“Okay,” Dad said, finally exiting the bathroom with a newspaper wadded under his arm. “So meet a woman the old-fashioned way…atwork.”
