“I guess it’s good that it’s not perfect. If it were, then that means we are just in a honeymoon phase,” I say while packing up my face routine. I have decided I’m going back to his place, if only to show him how much I appreciate him.
“Yes. You’re correct. So don’t worry.”
Putting me more at ease, I send her a few pictures of my wig. She tells me she is going to maybe have him put one on her if all of her hair can fit.
“Wait, you aren’t going to shave your head in solidarity?” I try not to let her hear my smile.
“Of course I will, I’ll book an appointment right after this movie.”
“I’m kidding. I would never expect you to do something like that.”
She exhales, and I laugh at her clear relief.
“Are you sure?” she asks.
I picture her biting her bottom lip and touching her beautiful curls.
“Yes, I’m sure.”
“Oh, thank God. I love you, and I would do it, but I’m happy I don’t have to. I’ll buy you a celebrity-level wig and the application for your cancer-free party.”
I drop my stuff by the front door, then take my dirty clothes down to the laundry room.
“What party?”
“You didn’t really think I wasn’t going to throw you a party for beating this? It’s huge what you’re doing.”
“So everyone keeps telling me.”
“You’re so crazy. I get a cold and I fall apart. You have to know that what you’re going through is hard, and it’s okay to say so.”
I move to the living room, realizing this is going to be a longer conversation than I thought. Plopping down into the chair, I cross my legs.
“I have said so. If I’m being honest, I have been a mess these last few weeks, and Callahan has seen it all.”
“He has?”
“Yes. Every day, it seems like I’m losing something else. I’m not pretending to be okay. Most days I’m not okay. I just don’t want to keep hearing that I shouldn’t be. Maybe someone should tell me to buck up and stop crying.”
“Whoever does that is an asshole.”
“Well, maybe I need an asshole. Is Errol available?”
This gets a chuckle out of her. “If you really want to call him, I’m sure he would be willing to give you a motivating speech telling you how much of an annoyance you are being, but just know he doesn’t actually mean it.”
“I know,” I sigh out.
We talk for a little bit more about her project until she has to hang up to get some sleep.
Left alone with my thoughts, they battle with each other. Part of me still feels like I’m not being strong enough, while the other side is unsure how much more I can take.
Accepting that how I react is not entirely controlled by me, I get up and go to the house of the person who makes that okay.
I stayed at Callahan’s place until the day of the next appointment. He was gone when I woke up, but he promised to meet me at the clinic. Now, standing outside waiting for him, I watch as the minutes tick closer and closer to the start time.
Looking at my phone again to see if he has called or texted, I don’t know what to do with the lack of notifications.
“Maybe he forgot,” I mumble into my closed fist. But he wouldn’t. He’s always shown up before. He said he would be here.
