“You’re enough for me.”
“Am I? Because I’m lacking some of the melanin you were looking for.” He sits up and crosses his legs, leaning away from me.
The distance feels like the Grand Canyon instead of a foot.
“You might not have been what I expected my Prince Charming to look like, but you are more than enough. You’re the first white guy I have ever dated. That has to mean something.”
He cracks a smile, and that gives me the go-ahead to crawl into his lap.
“You’re the exception to my rules, and, like you said, maybe that’s why it will work this time.”
I pull his face until our foreheads are pressed together. I breathe him in, and he does the same to me. For a moment, we feel completely connected.
“I’ll show you that you are enough. Even if we don’t work out, you are enough for me to care about, and want.”
Not need, never need.
He nods, shifting us both. Neither one of us pulls back, so we just stay there basking in each other’s presence until it feels like the right time to separate.
“I thought this feeling with your dad started after getting in trouble.” I grab his hand, lacing my fingers with his, still needing his touch. The stark contrast between our skin tones is striking and beautiful.
“I’m not like him at all. Coming after Finn, who is a carbon copy of our da, was the worst. I failed every expectation and was nothing that he wanted me to be.”
I only met Cormac for those few days, but if he wanted his sons to be good men, then he should love Callahan just as he is. Respectful, family-oriented, and loving are just a few things I have learned about Callahan in this short time. He has made mistakes, but he owns them. My gentle giant is worth admiring.
“I was mouthy, rowdy, and sensitive all at the same time. I just wasn’t the stoic, America-loving good ol’ boy he wanted. I didn’t want to be a cop, I think war is barbaric, and I cry. He just didn’t know what to do with me.”
“So you were fighting to make him proud despite that?”
“Yeah, but I just couldn’t do anything right in his eyes. Ma, bless her heart, loved me no matter what, though.” He brings our hands to his mouth and kisses mine, his lips frowning behind it.
“I told you about my mom, so you know I get it. But I didn’t have to spend my childhood seeing how different it could be.” At least not at first. “I’m sorry, Callahan.”
The smile he gives me is so sad that I don’t even think it should be called that. I want to make it his full mischievous one, so bad.
“Tell me about your first love,” he says clearly trying to change the topic.
I allow it, stopping to think about it for a minute.
From grade three on, I have always had some sort of admirer, and more times than not, I made them my boyfriend, but I don’t know if I loved most of them. I don’t think I loved someone until Sean.
“I didn’t really fall in love until college. All my boyfriends in high school weren’t serious, because I didn’t want to commit and plan my whole life with someone. So in my first few months at university, I was looking for something real. I met Sean at a party, and he was unlike anyone I had met before.” I lean back, the nostalgia overcoming me. “He was a nerd, and very inexperienced.”
“You like to teach?” Callahan lifts one eyebrow, the corner of his mouth going up with it.
“I like to show people what I like. Some men take offense at suggestions. But if I remember correctly, you like being told what to do.”
“Maybe that is something we can explore someday,” he says. He gives me a quick peck on my cheek. A promise of something to come.
“Anyway, long story short, turns out I wasn’t ready to commit. As much as I loved him, it freaked me out when he started talking about marriage. I couldn’t imagine being someone’s wife before I was a fully formed person. I wanted to make myself a priority before I needed to compromise.” I shrug, trying to make it seem like an easier decision than it was. But if I’m being honest, I almost chose him over myself.
“Well, that was anti-climactic,” he says, popping a cupcake in his mouth.
“Believe me, it did its damage.” The first and only time I started considering needing someone, I saw what it would do to me if it failed. The breakup alone tore something in me that took time to repair. If I let him become a crucial part of my existence, what would have happened then?
“Care to elaborate?”
“Let’s just say I’m not very good at depending on people, and when I considered doing it with him, it scared the shit out of me.”
