Looking at the time again, I know I have to go in soon.
“Just call him.”
With a big sigh, I hit his contact and then nibble on my bottom lip while it rings. When it gets to his voicemail, I’m too stunned to leave words.
“One more time.”
Fighting my natural inner voice that wants to call me pathetic, I try to remember that this isn’t an admission of anything. I’m just seeing if he is going to be here or not. It’s okay if he isn’t, I’ll still be able to do this.
I’m not sure I believe that with the flood of relief that I feel when he picks up.
“Hey, I’m sorry, I was just going to call you.”
“That’s okay. How far out are you?” I look around the parking lot, like his car will suddenly appear.
“I can’t make it. Rowan got into an accident, and I’m at the scene with her. She’s fine, but they are going to take her in, just to be sure. I’m sorry.”
“Oh shit, no, don’t be sorry. I get that. It’s okay. Please keep me posted.” Something coils in my gut, and I don’t know who the reaction is for.
“Are you going to be okay on your own?” His voice sounds thin, but it could be the whipping wind of whatever freeway or street he is on.
“Yeah, of course. I told you all from the start that I can do the appointments on my own. I’ll be fine.”
I press my hand to my stomach, trying to soothe whatever this feeling is.
“Okay, can you call me when you get home? I can try to meet you there.”
“No, stay with Rowan. I’m okay. I’ve done this before.” But never without him. I’ve never done an appointment without him being there afterward. I shake my head and smile like he can see me. Putting on a brave face for myself, I guess.
“Okay, love, but still call me.”
“Sure,” I say, and then turn towards the entrance. “I have to go in now, but let me know if there are any changes with Rowan.”
He promises and then hangs up, and I’m left feeling unsure. Of what? I don’t know. But I don’t like the feeling.
Walking in, Nurse Rasheda’s eyes pop open when she realizes that no one is with me. I just give her a smile and a few excuses when she straps me in, and then I sit silently.
Time seems to move at the pace of a snail during the treatment. It could be the lack of conversation, or the nauseous feeling that started even before I got in, but I feel every painful second of my being herealone, and I hate it. I hate the quiet, the lack of touch, and the feeling of abandonment that is as strong as it is unjust.
A feeling that only magnifies when I’m lying on the bathroom floor by myself. Today, the tiles feel colder, and the vomiting feels worse. The echoing sound of just my breathing is so loud that it forces me to acknowledge it’s just me in here. I’m alone. He’s not here, and I think I need him to be.
I don’t know when I let him become so integral to my existence, but in the sea of this battle, he is one of the only things holding me up, and right now, I’m drowning without him.
“Fuck,” I whisper, as a tear leaks out. “Why did I do this?”
How did I let this happen?
At some point, I started looking at him and seeing my whole future looking back at me, and now I can’t imagine one without him.
But I have to.
Today is a reminder that at any moment, I might have to live without him again, and if this is just one day of me needing him, a lifetime will break me at the pace we are going.
So when he calls to check in, I don’t answer. I just text him that I’m okay, and then hold myself, trying to get comfortable with the feeling of just my arms.
Chapter 25
Iseehimlessand less as the next two weeks pass, needing the distance to figure things out. I tell him I’m busy with my dad so that he doesn’t show up. Fear trickles into my gut every time I think about how hard it is to not be near him. It only strengthens my resolve to keep away.
