“Magdalena, why don’t you sit over there in front of Killian? Killian, can you please raise your hand so that Magdalena can see you?” There was a tension to the way she looked at me, almost as if she were already angry with me. My heart pumped at a million kilometers per hour. My cheeks burned. I knew the other kids were laughing at me because I was blushing, but I didn’t release her gaze as she approached me. She had big dark-brown almond-shaped eyes.
A calmness settled inside me in every one of my cells, allowing me to take in more of her. I felt normal, whole, and at home. Having her so near, it was the first full breath I’d taken in years.
A memory of Da, Mum, and me on a Saturday morning sprung to my mind. It was the last time I’d ever felt happy and normal.I was giggling my head off as we danced in the kitchen like the little lost boys did in thePeter Pancartoon while the smell of butter and pancakes filled my nostrils. Da and Mum were exaggerating, making silly faces and moves. Through the windows of our tiny cottage, the sunlight washed everything in yellow.
That’s when I realized the girl standing in front of me was magical. I had not remembered that day in too long, and one look in her eyes sent me in a time machine to experience it all over again, to swim in an ocean of pure bliss.
“Hi,” she greeted. Her gaze slid to my still-raised palm. Slowly, I lowered it, and my cheeks burned even more. A slight smile widened her lips, then she slid into her seat. I didn’t answer because I was too shocked at what she’d done. God, I wanted more, much more. I closed my eyes, trying to store the memory of her face somewhere in my mind where it would be safe and never erased, then I leaned forward. For the rest of class, I smelled spring in her hair.
Everyone wanted the new girl’s attention. I watched from afar, curious who she would favor, which way she’d go. Our gazes always met in the mornings before class when she’d climb up the stairs to the school’s main doors, but our conversations never advanced past a polite greeting. By the end of the week, I thought she’d just be another girl in thein crowd.
At night in bed, I’d fall asleep to the voices whispering her first name over and over, like a never-ending song. They always spoke it softly. What a rare name, like Mary of Magdalene but in Spanish. As they repeated her name, I contemplated every detail about her that day: the way she wore her hair, dressed, and talked, always carrying her step with purpose, her back stiff and straight. In my memory, I searched for any sign that something might have happened to her, anything that might have secretly upset her, never finding anything.
No one could have possibly understood what a relief it was to be so preoccupied with her. Nothing else mattered—not my past, or my uncle, or even the way Mum would hardly get out of bed lately.
On top of that, anytime I was near enough to Magdalena to smell her, the voices would calm. The relief was indescribable, like being able to finally breathe after being buried alive under two meters of misery.
She was a little nerd who liked to answer the teacher’s questions, on a mission to learn everything, much more serious than the rest of us. Quickly, Bessie and she formed a bond. I was okay with that. Bessie was a nice girl despite having horrible friends and a despicable cousin—Mael. She was constantly having to mother him into behaving like a decent person. The sight of him made me nauseous.
For some reason, the fact that Magdalena was so goal oriented, such a Goody Two-shoes made me like her even more. My intelligent, bossy girl. I wondered what mischiefs she was into? What naughtiness hid beneath her rigid composure. If she knew I liked to steal beer and champagne from parties, would she slap my hand and tell me to not do that? The thought of it made me smile to the point of almost chuckling in my bed. I would’ve loved that. What secrets did she hold? Was she really like this, or was it all to fool everyone? I also wondered about simple things: what songs did she like, did she like to read?
“Where did you come from, Magdalena Michaelson?” I asked the moonlight streaming into my room. Life had become bearable while solving the case of Magdalena Michaelson. Watching her from afar being nice to everyone, wielding all the other students to do right just with her gaze, then gifting them a smile when they yielded to her.
Yeah... no one can possibly be that perfect.
I tried to stop paying attention to her, but I couldn’t. She was a spectacular queen who didn’t need to go around telling anyone she was royalty, because she oozed it. And for once, I wanted to rebel against being ruled. I followed her everywhere. She was my sun to revolve around. If she wanted to go to the bathroom,I’d also ask the teacher for permission a few minutes after and follow her but stay far enough back for her not to notice. These weren’t normal kids. Just the thought of Mael hurting her as he’d done me in a few surprise violent attacks, made me grit my teeth, and my blood boiled. I would never allow her to be hurt or unsafe.
I was never too far to see or, at least, hear her. For lunch, she sat with Bessie and those silly girls who cared more about the way they looked and their fancy gel pens than anything else. Some of them were already using lipstick, looking like ducks. For recess, she’d play football with them. It was hard to concentrate on readingIrelandopediaon the bench when she was in the other field playing football. I kept having to lift my eyes to confirm she was fine.
Then one day, in the middle of the game, she walked away from them, toward me. From the corner of my eye, I watched her take each step closer, leaving them and choosing me. I couldn’t believe it. She transported me to a different world by abandoning them and seeking me out. Suddenly, unicorns, fairies, and dragons were all real again. Da would soon show up in his ship at the shore of the town. Good could triumph over evil after all. I was more alive than ever, everything was so much more intense and saturated in color. As if I’d just had too much champagne, the world swirled with happiness and silliness.Magdalena…I had to resist saying her name, calling her, and instead pretended to be reading my book, even when she stood right in front of me.
I was such an addictedgobshiteand didn’t even realize it.
This wasn’t like the first day of school when I’d caught her spying on me from behind the bushes and the pox on royal ass who was Mael interrupted us. It was different. When I lifted my gaze to hers, she had the expression of an angry troll. Her annoyance informed me I’d done well in ignoring her andmaking her wait for my attention. It showed me how much she wanted it. No one had wanted my attention for a long time.
I hid my smile even though the butterflies in my stomach were fluttering as if they'd drank an espresso, and a blanket of heat covered me, erasing any scraps of intelligence from my mind. Even as she sat right next to me, our gazes didn’t break. Somehow, we were connected as if our souls had merged. I’d dove into her brown eyes and incomprehensibly felt so comfortable in the eternal night of them. Nothing else could ever deserve my admiration more than them. Time stopped existing, so I couldn’t tell you for how long her eyes shifted between mine and my cheek and hair, studying me, taking me in. I had been learning her habits and patterns every day since we’d met, so instead, my soul just cuddled into hers and allowed her to do whatever she wanted.
I felt like I had to slap myself. Magdalena Michaelson was choosing to look over every detail of my face and not anyone else, not the gardens, the sky, the trees and flowers surrounding us. Everything else disappeared, thank God. My gaze dropped to her perfect high cheek. I didn’t know why I suddenly had the urge to kiss it and to hug her and never let go, but I didn’t do any of that. Only a freak would.
“You are so beautiful, Magdalena Michaelson.” The words spilled out of me so easily.Holy shit!My jaw dropped as I realized what I’d said, but I relaxed and added, “Has anybody ever toldyathat?” I guessed I couldn’t hold back anymore.
“Only my mom and dad.” Her cheeks were so red that I believed her.
“Well, in your case, they are right. You’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen.” Her hair was pulled into a ponytail, but the breeze pushed strands of it toward me, begging me to play with them. So I curled some around my two fingers, feeling the silkiness of it while staring at it. I was in such a hurry to tell herI thought I loved her, but that would just scare her away, so I settled for only confessing my love to a small part of her. “I love your hair.”
In my mind, I continued my confession:All I think about is you. Everything I do, I do in a hurry so that I can go back to thinking of you.Then all the voices followed.
Beautiful creature.
Secrets. Secrets. I HATE SECRETS.
Secrets. My queen.
My heaven. My sanity. Please love me.
It hurt to keep such a big part of my life a secret. I already had so many, yet this one was like hiding the fact that I needed to breathe air.
Secrets…
