“I was always yours.”
And I knew that, from that moment on. When I proposed, when she walked down the aisle, when we had Madelaine and then Lindsey, when she left, and when I did everything in my power to find her. When I found her in the hospital bed, throughout her treatments, and when she took her final breath, I simplyknew, there was no one else for me,ever again.
She was, undoubtedly, theloss of my life.
42
Guilt Tripping Me From Above Is Not Cool
My mum is dead. As simple as that. Well, maybe not that simple because I hated her since I was nine, only to find out that she’s been dead for I don’t even know how long.
Skylar.
Dead.
Loved.
Long time.
I wake up on a sofa with these words imprinted in my mind, not sure if I made them up or if someone actually said them.
“Maddie.” I slowly get up, and two figures get closer.
“She lied to us.Youlied to me.” I ask weak, eyes on me, and about to break once and for all. I put my thoughts together, and anger bursts through my body and mind.
“She made me promise. I couldn’t-”
“Because I don’t know if you know this, Dad, but I hated her for leaving me, you, Lindsey!” I raise my voice, broken. “I hated the fact that I looked exactly like her. I wouldn’t look at myself in the mirrorfor years. I straightened my hair and refused to put on makeup. For nothing!” I laugh bitterly, my eyes swelling up. “And now I find that I was being an ungrateful bitch and that she’s dead!” I talk like a maniac, and my dad is about to cry.
“Don’t call yourself that, that’s unfair.”
“No, I called every curse word and demeaning name I could ever think of, because why would she ever leave you? Why would she leave her children?” I scoff, still not really believing this is happening. “For how long?”
“Two months after she left.” Dad looks at anything but me, ashamed. “Today, eight years ago.” Dad closes his eyes, and I can’t look at him.
“She’s been dead for eight years.” I think out loud. “She has beendeadforeight years.” I repeat, hurt, ashamed of myself for hating on her. “Why?”
“Sh-She was dying.” Dad manages to get out, still not looking into my eyes. “She didn’t have much time, and she didn’t want to hurt you-Us,so she left.”
“This whole time I thought she didn’tloveme and I wasn’tenough.” Tears fall down my face, and it feels like this, me crying every damn second of the day, could never stop. Like it’ll never stop hurting. Every time I think everything’s fine, BAM,your mom is dead.
I sit up straight, focusing on the floor, my hands grasping onto the sofa.
“She made me promise.” Dad breathes calmly, and I get up with a swift movement.
“I’m sorry, Dad, I need air.” I blurt, as normal as one could with tears washing their face. Because how can I blame my dad if it was the love of his life’s dying wish?
I fast-pace through the library and reach the door, slamming it as I leave. Soon enough, it opens, and Allison calls after me.
“Mads.”
“Just leave me alone. Please.” I cry.
“Alright, just- Be safe, okay? I’m here whenever you want to talk about it.” She gives me a quick hug, and I appreciate it.
I then get out of here and walk fast to the one place I would be alone with all these feelings. The tree. I’m starting to spend a lot of time in there.
I take the same dirt paths, tears rolling down my cheeks just as before, and I cry even more. This is happening all over again. Can’t I just have a normal summer? A happy one? I don’t want to be the girl who cries all the time. I want to beput together.
