Soon enough, I reach the tree, and the first thing I think about is… All these years, I’ve been incapable of being in a relationship because of these mommy issues, and after all, I could’ve perfectly been in one because I wouldn’t be afraid, because she did not walk out on me on purpose. And I’m not talking just about Jake. All the boys who ever asked me out or flirted with me… I thought,My mom knew me like nobody, and she left me just like that. Chances are, they’re going to leave me faster.
She loved me, and that feels good. But she’s dead, and thatdevastatesme.
I don’t even know what the proper reaction is, so, I sit and stay silent, not a single tear coming now, but a piece of me appeared to be ripped unexpectedly.
I spent so much time hating her that I’m not sure I’m capable of loving her. I villainized her and created this made-up character and convinced myself for years that that was who she was, and turns out I knownothing. I blocked out all the good memories, and I burnt all the photos.Oh my god, if I were my dad, I would’ve crashed out.
I look forward, waiting for nature to give me answers or something. It’s not like she’s going to appear in the sky and give advice, Mufasa-style.
I sniffle and close my eyes, grateful to be alone right now.
I love all of them, but I couldn’t come to any kind of calming state if any of them were here trying to comfort me. Oh my god. How is he telling Lindsey? She was so young and didn’t understand much, but she can understand that her mother islifeless. Dead.
Lindy… What if he’s telling her right now? What if she gets mad at him and needs support? I have to go back.
I return to the house quickly, still trying to think of ways Lindsey could discover and all the ways she could react. I reach the gates. I step in and never stop. I walk into the house straight to the living room, where my sister is watching TV, and my dad is on the couch near hers, shaking his leg and biting his nails.
“Lindy.” I call, and she peeks at me rapidly, but then she realises I’ve been crying and stops the show.
“Mads?” And without thinking, I say it.
“Mom’s dead.” I drop, trying not to tear up.God, that was an awful way of saying it.
Dad’s head snaps from me to her, ready for her reaction.
“I know.” She numbly responds. My dad and I look at each other, astonished, and I start to stutter. “How? When?What?”
“I found out two years ago.” She shrugs. “I found a letter in dad’s desk at home, from mom.” I didn’t see this coming. Neither did my dad.
“Were you okay?” I ask, still taken aback.
“I mean, our mom’s dead, Mads, it can’t get better than that. But I asked dad for a therapist, and she helped me realize that there was nothing I could do about it and that she loved us. She’s been trying to get me to tell you guys that I know for a long time, so I guess now you know.” She eyes us, unsure how to proceed.
“And you had to deal with that alone?” My dad’s heart breaks.
“Yeah, I wasn’t alone. I told Alana. And Aunt Lori.” My dad’s about to burst when she interrupts. “Don’t be mad at her, I made her promise not to tell you.” She glances at me. “Jake doesn’t know either, okay? Alana didn’t tell anyone.”
Jake. Right. I wasn’t even thinking about him.
“Are you okay?” She asks, and I just shrug.
The truth is, I don’t really know if I’m okay or not. The subject will be sensitive at first, but I trust that in time… It’ll hurt less, right? She’s already dead… It’s not like I can bottle up feelings for someone who has been gone for eight years. Right?
43
Self-Destructive Mode Is Real Fun
“My mom isdead, you know?”
“I really don’t.”
I’m already dressed for the party, in a short black dress that fits my body, while Allison is doing her hair. I quit on mine. No need to straighten it because my mom is a good person after all. I mean,was…
“And I feel like I can’t even be mad at my dad because the love of his life asked him on her deathbed not to say anything to us. Who does that?!”
She thinks very hard while squinting to put on eye shadow.
“You know, since this is an original experience, I can’t really guide you through this, butit iskind of fucked up how they kept this a secret for this long.”
