Once we’d arrived at our apartment building, we’d only said a quiet goodbye in the parking garage as I’d opted to take the stairs so no one would see us together.
Even though I’d wanted to jump recklessly into this relationship with Ash, I was glad I hadn’t blurted out my decision the second we got back.
He’d shown me his support as a hockey player, then a friend, since the day we met. I wanted to repay that gift by taking care of his feelings, too.
So, I’d spent the last three days working my ass off on the ice to prove to Coach Wilder that I was grateful for his leniency about my taking off in the middle of the night.
Thoughts of Ash consumed the rest of my time.
He’d told me to think about what I wanted with him and to consider the possible consequences and fallout from the choices we might make. I’d literally done nothing else since he’d walked into the bathroom to shower after our kiss that night.
Not to mention, I’ve been thinking about how I’d define my sexuality, which led to more questions than answers. Was I bi? Pan?
The first thing I decided was that those were questions I couldn’t answer right away. And I might not ever land on the exact definition for myself. I needed time. Would Ash be able to accept that?
Instead, my mind spent most of my waking hours focused on whether I could give Ash what he was asking for. A committed relationship where we could one day be together in public.
The further away we got from our explosive kiss in the hotel room, the more I realized how right Ash was to press pause on everything.
The potential risks were high. He could lose his coaching job, his reputation, and his contract with the Titans. Even thinking that I could be responsible for tanking his hockey career left me racked with guilt.
In addition, I would be jeopardizing my contract and salary, which my parents depended on. Despite my outburst at the hotel in Sudbury, I couldn’t set fire to my entire life, walk away from my parents, and come out of the ordeal unscathed.
And leaving Mom without financial support felt impossible as did facing the torrent of anger Dad would rain down on me for fucking everything up.
It wasn’t about playing hockey, which had been a job to me since my early teens. My dad had sucked out every ounce of joy that I might have felt about hockey with his non-stop pressure for me to be the best and the way he’d ream me out when I wasn’t.
My dad would never stop being an asshole, but what would my mom do? How would her life change if the team found out about my seeing Ash and I lost my contract as a result? Because if it came down to the optics of ditching an NHL superstar andquietly dissolving the contract of some nobody rookie, it was obvious how things would go at head office.
It seemed like the safe decision to keep my head down. That way, I wouldn’t jeopardize my mom’s quality of life or Ash’s career.
But what if you just chose yourself this one time?How badly would you regret not taking this chance with Ash?
Now, in front of his apartment door, the reality that he could have changed his mind about me had my legs feeling like jelly as I knocked softly.
Ameowand the sounds of shuffling came from behind the door before it swung open.
“Cade.”
“Hi, Ash.” I only just stopped myself from awkwardly waving, shoving my hands in the pockets of my sweatpants instead. “Umm, is it okay that I’m here?”
What if he didn’t want to see me? A pit of dread formed in my stomach.
His lips curved with a small smile. “Yeah, of course, sorry. I just wasn’t expecting to see you.”
He stepped back, gesturing for me to come in.
“Let’s sit.”
After ditching my shoes by the door, I followed him into the living room of his apartment. Clearly, the building owners had started renovating the top-floor units first. The place I shared with Kovac and Hawkins could fit inside Ash’s place twice over.
He sat back on the massive sectional that dominated the room. I hesitated, not knowing how close or far from him I should sit.
“Hey. We’re good. Tell me what you’re thinking. I’ve missed you,” Ash reassured me before patting the cushion right next to his.
How did he just say things like “I missed you” so easily? I’d missed him so much over the past few days, but I wasn’t brave enough to say it out loud like he was.
Relieved that he at least wanted me here, I dropped onto the cushion and angled my body toward him.
