That statement had a bolt of worry going through me. The icy burn of fear had every notch of my spine straightening in awareness, like a puppet whose strings threatened to yank me out of this world entirely.
Whatever Cade saw on my face had him scrambling to clarify himself.
“Shit! I’m so bad at this. I don’t mean beingherewith you is not my choice, Ash. God! The times we spend talking or just being in the same space are the only times that I do feel like I have a choice. I play hockey because it’s what my dad expects.It’s what he’s demanded I do since the moment I put on skates, and showed some natural raw talent. I’m here to make money to help pay my parents’ expenses. I thought if I could just make it to the NHL and make some good money for a couple of seasons, Dad’s obsession would end and I could. . .”
“Be free?” I let my muscles relax one by one with the relief that he wasn’t here against his wishes.
His shoulders slumped. “Yeah, that.”
“What would you do instead?” I cocked my head to the side, now trying to envision Cade in another reality where he was doing what he was passionate about.
“It’s going to sound stupid.”
“Not a chance, sweetheart.” Damn, the nickname slipped out.
Despite my fuck-up in not keeping the endearment to myself, it seemed to reassure Cade, bringing a warm, if hesitant, smile to his lips.
“Yeah, okay. So, before I signed with North Bay, I had applied to a couple of software engineering programs in Ontario. I wanted to get my degree so that I could go into software development, specifically creating apps for medical professionals and patients to make it easier to deal with chronic conditions or autoimmune diseases.”
“To make life easier for people like your mom, huh? Just like the app you showed me today.”
Cade nodded. The pink tint that crept up the skin of his neck spread like wildfire over his cheeks and ears. These goddamn blushes were going to be my downfall.
I only needed to know one more thing before we could put this aside for the rest of the night and get some sleep.
“Do you still wish you could do that?”
“It’s not even remotely realistic,” Cade’s smiled dropped as he shook his head in denial. “My contract, my mom’s expenses, and Dad’s?—”
I couldn’t stop myself from interrupting, but I made my voice extra soft. “Sweetheart, I didn’t ask if it was possible, only if you would still want that for yourself if you could choose it.”
“Yes, Ash. I would. I would step away from professional hockey in a heartbeat if it was possible,” he practically whispered, as if even thinking of something different for himself was forbidden.
It was an anvil to the gut to imagine Cade spending so many years being miserable. No matter what happened between us, I would do everything in my power to help him with whatever he needed.
“This was a lot, Cade. We’re exhausted, your mom just went through surgery, emotions are flying all over the place. I don’t want to be the thing you use to destroy your life as you know it. Honestly, my heart isn’t built for that kind of heartbreak. There is too much at stake for us both to have any regrets here. Even knowing the risk to my own career, I’m still willing to sayfuck youto a lot of the issues keeping us apart. But I need you to take some time to really consider if you want to do something that almost no one in your life would understand and that we both might catch a lot of hate for. We both need clear heads to make good decisions, right?”
“I dunno. Maybe being responsible is overrated. I think I’d like to try making all the mistakes for a while. Sounds fun.” A hint of mischief glinted in his eyes. “But joking aside, I’ll promise to think carefully about our situation if you promise that you aren’t closing the door on the possibility of more happening between us.”
“I promise,” I vowed.
The realization that Cade felt something for me, too, was a comfort I could tuck inside my chest. If I came to my senses or he did—which both of us should—I could console myself that I hadn’t imagined the connection between us.
“Okay.” His shoulders released some tension.
I rose, heading toward the bathroom and the shower I hadn’t gotten to take, this time remembering to scoop up clean clothes.
I decided to keep things as light as possible for the rest of the day.
We’d eat room service, sleep, and figure out the next steps once Cade heard from the hospital.
twenty-two
CADEN
It’d been three days since getting back from Sudbury.
Three days since I’d been alone with Ash and had his undivided attention.
