I wanted to be able to see his reactions. The uncertainty of the unresolved feelings between us was eating me up.
I just needed to know.
“So okay, I’m going to get this out before I lose my nerve. I’ve thought about what you said for the past three days. And I. . .” My voice cut off from nerves.
Ash slid his hand on top of mine, where it rested beside my thigh. He rubbed his thumb back and forth across my knuckles, the contact comforting.
I glanced down at where our hands connected, concentrating on the warmth of his skin against mine, before returning my gaze to his.
At least he wasn’t opposed to touching me. That was a good start.
“Yeah, sorry. What I want to tell you is that I do want to try a relationship with you. I’m not comfortable with hookups either, which is why I’ve only been in one other relationship. So, I don’t know if that makes me a really bad bet? Hockey pretty much took over my life, and my dad was always around. It just wasn’t possible for me to feel anything for anyone. Looking back, there were definitely times when I thought I could be attracted to guys too, but my dad’s an asshole, so I never even let myself consider it at the time. But then I met you, and everything is totally different. These feelings are here to stay, even if it’s not the thing I ‘should’ be doing. I don’t care about that anymore. I want this, with you. I know it’s stupid to risk the career I’ve given more than a decade of my life to, but if you can trust me to makethat call for myself, then I’m ready to jump into something real with you.”
My chest rose and fell as if I’d climbed a huge hill. Had I held my breath for that whole time?
Ash pressed his lips together. I was vibrating with nerves when he didn’t respond right away.
“You’re right that we shouldn’t be doing this. Not because of your relationship experience.” He squeezed my hand again as if to emphasize his point. “But I can’t ignore the way I feel either. Maybe I lost all my self-preservation somewhere between my first and second shoulder surgeries, but I think it’s worth the risk. I would regret it forever if I didn’t try with you, sweetheart.”
There was a lump of emotion in my throat, but I had to keep going before I lost my nerve. “Before you say anything else, I know you said you were out to the people who are most important to you. But the truth is, I can’t put a label on myself yet. And I don’t know if I’ll be able to anytime soon,” I rushed on, not wanting him to think that I wanted to hide this from everyone. “I don’t have many people I trust right now, so I would rather keep things private. Like I could tellKaitand you could tell your family if you want, but I don’t think I could handle the pressure of the season and trying to figure myself out in the public eye.”
“Shit, Cade. . .” His eyes widened, looking shocked. “I never meant for you to feel pressured to tell anyone anything about your sexuality before you were ready. I was lucky to grow up in a family that was already very open and accepting. Plus, once I learned more of the language to explain my feelings and who I was attracted to, it just clicked for me. But everyone is different. So, please don’t stress about labels. I was just saying that I didn’t want to only have a physical relationship in secret. What I wanted was your openness to tell our loved ones about ussomedayin the future. We can figure things out betweenourselves first, okay? One step at a time. Once we figure us out, we can figure out how to tell the team and everyone else.”
“Yes, okay.” I blew out a relieved breath. “That sounds good. But can I ask you something else?”
“Anything.” Ash shifted his hand underneath mine to interlock our fingers.
“Did I hear a ‘meow’ before?”
A laugh burst out of him at my abrupt topic change.
“That’s Potato. I didn’t pick the name, a little girl at a rescue open house did. When I moved back into my condo last year, I saw some social media post about a cat rescue in the city. There was Potato in one of the tiny pictures. Black cats and dogs are way less likely to get adopted, and there was just something about him. Anyway, the day I went to pick him up, there was another family there, and their little girl said I should name him ‘Potato,’ so I did. But just so you know, I call him Poe for short.”
Just as I opened my mouth to ask Ash if he’d had any pets growing up, a plaintive “meow” sounded from behind us before a flash of black suddenly appeared on the pillowed surface of the couch just behind Ash’s head, startling both of us.
The intruder had Ash shifting sideways toward me and away from the sudden movement behind him, filling the foot and a half of space we’d had between us.
One of his broad shoulders now pressed against mypec, and his massive upper thigh muscle sat snugly against mine.
“Shit! Speak of the devil! What’s with the stealth jump-scare, buddy?”
Without shifting his body away from where it touched mine, Ash admonished the medium-sized black cat who meowed more subduedly in response to his master’s question.
“Dude, I already fed you dinner. You know this. We do the same thing every night.” He blew out a breath, causing thesoft cotton of his T-shirt to brush against my arm as his lungs expanded and contracted.
Just the pressure of his warm skin through the fabric felt amazing. How was I going to cope if I got access to his bare skin tonight?
“MEOW!” Poe complained, clearly a protest about the state of his dinner situation if I’d ever heard one, drawing a hiccup of laughter from my throat.
Two golden-yellow eyes belonging to a very cute face peered around Ash’s head, inspecting the newcomer—or invader, I’m no expert in feline expressions—who’d just made a sound.
“Okay, come meet Cade, Poe.”
Ash reached sideways to scoop his cat off the back of the couch, his body shifting away from mine, before settling the little guy on his lap.
The return of several inches of space between us left my right side feeling cold. Shit, I needed to rein in this attraction before I lost my mind.
Jesus. Was I so desperate for contact that I was a little jealous of Ash’s cat?
