“Hey, it’ll be okay, Patrick,” he said.
“No, it won’t.”
“It will. The instructor will retest in three weeks. You know this stuff. You’re just having an off day. Everyone has off days.”
“Off days?”
“Yeah, where things just don’t go as planned,” he said. Things weren’t that simple, and I felt even worse knowing that things seemed so simple to him. His life was nothing like mine.
“I’m not like you, Hollis. Your off day is probably nothing like mine.”
“Everyone struggles from time to time.”
The pain in my stomach was getting worse. I needed help. Hollis was my only chance. I didn’t want to die a painful death. I knew if I went back home, I wouldn’t stop myself from ending my life. This had become too much.
On shaky legs, I stood up to show him. I undid the belt to my gi, opened it, and swallowed my pride. I shrugged out of the top and let it slide down my arms as I turned around. When he called my name, I knew there was no turning back now. He could see. He knew now.
“This is my off day, Hollis.”
He asked me if it was from my stepbrother, and I couldn’t even look at him. I didn’t know where to begin. He stood, and I could see his Nikes step into my line of sight. I tried to take a deep breath, but everything hurt too much. He was so close to me, though; I could feel him. I gnawed on the inside of my cheek as I stared at his shoes. My vision blurred until I blinked the tears away.
I was trying to keep it together, but when he reached out and pulled me close, I lost it.This was a hug, right?I was being hugged! Fuck, I couldn’t stop the tears, and I felt lightheaded and dizzy. I grabbed ahold of the sides of Hollis’ gi and couldn’t believe he was hugging me. There was too much for me to focus on, and suddenly there was so much I was trying to get out, but it was getting clogged. With my head on his strong shoulder, things I hadn’t been able to voice before just carelessly fell out.
“I can’t take it anymore, Hollis. I can’t go home again.”
“Was it your stepbrother?”
I tried to take another deep breath because my heart felt like it was going to explode, it was pounding so hard. I confirmed it was Sebastian and my dad. Hollis’ words relieved me and terrified me.
“Okay. I’m taking you home with me. We’ll talk to my parents.”
All I could say over and over was that I couldn’t go home anymore. No matter how many times he tried to reassure me in that tiny locker room, I couldn’t believe it. Hollis was all I had. I had to go with him and trust him, because the alternative would have been to go home and die. And I didn’t really want to die. Not yet, at least. Hollis was the hope that was keeping me alive.
Everything that happened at Hollis’ house was a blur. I felt so ashamed and scared. I quickly found myself in the emergency room with Hollis and his folks. While being examined, each passing moment revealed something horrific from my past. The option of death sounded somewhat appealing when the male nurse asked if I had been forced into sex.
What would Hollis and his folks say? Or what would they be thinking but not saying? Would Hollis think I had lied to him when I told him I’d never had sex? I mean, I hadn’t really. Or had I? How was something like this viewed? I didn’t fuck anyone at school or anyone our age. But I was thoroughly confused as to how he’d view this. How did I answer if a girl asked if I’d ever had sex?
I felt so gross and couldn’t dare look at Hollis or Mr. Hawkins—Charles. He’d told me numerous times I could call him Charles. Would he think I was a terrible influence on Hollis? Would he think I wasn’t any good for his sons to hang out with because Dad hit me a lot? Would he think I did something to deserve it? Would he still let me hang around Hollis and Morgan?
Thankfully, Hollis’ mom had gone out into a waiting room while the doctors and nurses were doing all the stuff that required me to me naked. Another doctor came into the room, but he was different. He wore a shirt and tie and had his ID in a plastic sleeve dangling from a lanyard. He spoke some to Charles and to the doctor.
When they started touching me with their gloved hands, I thought I was going to black out. I struggled in the beginning with all the touching but told myself to pretend they weren’t doing anything. They kept reminding me they were going to help me and not hurt me. They told me I was safe now. Was I? I was afraid about what was going to happen next. Would I have to go home? Was there going to be some technicality that would make me go back? I felt so cold and nervous. My stomach hurt so bad, and I wanted them to stop touching me.
“Patrick, I know you’re scared right now,” the doctor with the tie said. “Please try to relax as much as you can.”
“I can’t,” I finally said. A lump burned in my throat, and I started to cry again. I hid my face in the pillow while the tears continued to fall uncontrollably. I felt the bed dip and could smell Hollis’ fresh scent. He covered my hand with his, and I greedily wrapped my fingers around his, anchoring him to me.
“I’m right here, Patrick,” he said to me.
God, please don’t leave, Hollis. Please make the doctors stop.They wouldn’t hurt me with Hollis here.
“Will you stay? Please, Hollis,” I begged.
“I promise. I’m not going anywhere.”
He promised.
* * *
