I smiled as I thought about his TCF name and how the name originated from Chase. He’d always be Hollis to me. And in my own twisted little world, he’d always want me.
* * *
When I wokeup and realized I was still alive, I sighed in relief. Last night was really bad, and the only thing that pulled me back to earth was Hollis. I could taste blood, and the moment I tried to move my head, everything from last night came barging back in.
Dad.
Sebastian.
Eli.
All drunk and exceptionally violent. When they were drunk, they were so much worse. Slowly, I rolled over and saw the blood again. Everything I tried to keep myself from thinking about and remembering wouldn’t stay out of my mind. They’d taken their turns with me, doing all the things that they shouldn’t. Eli and Sebastian liked making me cry out, or maybe they just liked hearing the sound of crying.
Pretend it didn’t happen.
You’re sore from fighting some kid at school.
Nothing else.
Lying to myself like that usually made me feel as okay as I could. I let the mental visual of Hollis enter my headspace. The only thing that kept me here was Hollis. Today was Saturday, and I’d get to see him.
I gasped and coughed when I pushed myself up to focus on the clock. My hands immediately went to my sides and rubbed my sore ribs. I sat up and started to lean against my headboard, but the pain was too great for me to sit on my ass. I moved to my knees and reached out to turn the alarm clock so I could check the time.
“Oh, fuck,” I muttered when I saw that it was already a quarter after eight. The karate promotion ceremony started at nine, and I was trying to advance to an orange belt. Hollis had been working with me, and he was looking forward to this as much as I was.
Each step I took on my way to the bathroom radiated sharp pain throughout my body, most of it in my stomach. I turned the shower on and then quickly brushed my teeth. I risked a glance in the mirror and was surprised that I wasn’t bruised or bloodied. Nope. All the damage was done below the collarbones. The spray from the water hurt my skin on the front of my body. It felt like tons of needles being poked into me. Seconds later the tile on the floor became discolored. I narrowed my eyes as I stared down at the water with the red-colored tint.
Blood.
“Fuck.”
I slammed the faucet off and carefully dried off. I tossed the towel in the hamper and quickly pulled on some underwear. I started to step into my sweatpants, but I worried blood might seep through. After I put deodorant on, I quietly opened the bathroom door and then ran across the hall to my bedroom. I shut and locked the door and went to my dresser for another pair of underwear. I wasn’t thrilled about how tight the double bands were, but it might prevent me from embarrassing myself. I stepped into my sweatpants and Vans and then shoved my gi into my gym bag. My teeth clenched down on the inside of my cheek as I pulled on a t-shirt.
I hurried as best as I could to the bus stop and panicked when I saw the bus was already there. Luckily, one of the ladies that I saw each Saturday saw me attempting to trot to catch the bus. She waved at me and must have told the driver because they waited for me. I was winded and out of breath by the time I stepped onto the bus.
“Thanks,” I panted as I walked past the driver.
On my way to my seat, I spotted the lady who held the bus for me and nodded to her to show my gratitude. I fidgeted around a lot in my seat and struggled to find a position to sit that didn’t hurt so much.
Before I knew it, I was at the karate studio and hurrying past all the parents and spectators. I had a couple of minutes to change and take my spot.
“Patrick,” a voice whispered from the seats as I briskly walked to the locker room. I turned my head and saw Chase waving a pennant with my name on it. Oh my God… Hollis’ parents and brothers were here… For me.
Tears stung my eyes as I quickly changed in the locker room. They were a result of partly being in so much pain and from feeling like shit about dragging them out of their home on a Saturday. I felt like I was burning up. My skin felt clammy, and beads of perspiration were on my forehead. I grabbed a few paper towels by the sink and soaked them with cold water before I pressed them against my face for a moment.
Pull it together.
Everything was a blur out on the floor. My ears and face felt like I was on fire as I tried to go through the moves. The terminology portion looked like a foreign language to me. Nothing went right, and there was no chance of me passing. When I got the verbal confirmation from the instructor that I didn’t advance, even though it wasn’t a surprise to me, it still hurt. It was a reminder of what a fuckup I was. Or as my dad said, what a waste I was.
Hollis was talking and trying to get my attention, but I couldn’t look at him. Tears still stung my eyes when I glanced at the orange belts folded up on the table at the front of the class. Hollis was a second-degree black belt. Even Chase was an orange belt, and he was nine. The worst part of not passing was that I felt like I’d let Hollis down.
I shifted a little and froze when I was sure I felt dampness around my ass. My stomach dropped and I broke out in a sweat. My gi was white, and I felt as though I was moments away from a major embarrassment. I prayed it was just sweat.
“I need to go change,” I mumbled and carefully stood. I took small steps on the way to the locker room. Too big of steps might make any blood seep through.
As soon as I got into the small locker room, I went to the mirror and turned to look over my shoulder. Relief flooded through me when I didn’t see any blood. I cautiously sat down on the bench and leaned forward. Leaning forward took some pressure off my back but made my lower abdomen hurt worse. Tears fell again, and I quickly wiped them away when I heard the door to the locker room open. I didn’t look up, but I knew it was Hollis.
He sat beside me, and I swear I could feel the warmth from his body. I swallowed hard and quietly opened my mouth so I could breathe easier. I just wanted to crawl into his world and never leave. I almost dry heaved when I thought about having to go back home. I couldn’t do it anymore.
