Ryan: I’m not sure how I’d react to beingspanked.
Kim: He’ll be so in tune with you that he won’t let you trip and fall. However you end up reacting, will be okay with him. He will make sure you’reokay.
Ryan: I worry about that. I love watching spanking porn and reading the spanking stories. But reading and watching is different than having an older man spankme.
April: What are you so worriedabout?
Ryan: A few things. The main concern is that it’ll send me back to my dad’s den and I freak the fuck out onhim.
Kim: Then Russell will be there. Not yourfather.
Ryan: My second concern is, what if I’m turned on byit?
April:So?
Kim: So, what if you are? It doesn’t mean anything except that it feelsgood.
Those girls killed me sometimes. They’re so open, accepting, and non-judgmental. Those were all things that I needed in my life, but it made my arguments and points fallflat.
Ryan: I don’t know if I want Russell seeing me freaked out and crying. Crying has been embarrassing enough. Adding the freaked out factor to that, wouldn’t be good. I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around why I get hard reading or watching spanking stuff, given mypast.
Kim: Ry, I think at this point, Russell would be the exact person that you would need to be there if you did freakout.
Ryan: I have a lot of hurdles mentally with spankingstuff.
I had hoped that they’d drop the topic for the time being and I would come back to it with them later. But just as I had expected, both were eager to continue theconversation.
April: Let’s tackle the hurdles. What’sone?
I rubbed on the back of my neck and tried to decide quickly if I was ready to go down this path with them. I took a deep breath and decided to go forit.
Ryan: I feel embarrassed and guilty for likingit.
Kim: That makes sense, but remember this isn’t something that is being done to you without yourconsent.
Damn. I actually had never thought about that. I’d be consenting to it with Russell whereas before it was just done tome.
April: Think of it as taking a shitty memory and replacing it with a positiveone.
That’s what Russell said too. I swear these three talksubliminally.
Kim: When you guys have had your sessions so far, he’s taking the time to replace the thoughts in your head with positive thoughts andexperiences.
Ryan: He says so many good things. Things that make me feelcomfortable.
April: He’s a good man and an excellentTop.
Ryan: My folks said a lot of sick and mean things to me while I had been spanked, which only confused me down theroad.
April: I can only imagine what the fuckerssaid.
Ryan: Maybe Russell knows where my mind mightgo.
April: I’m one hundred percent sure he knows. He’s got that whole psychology thing goingon.
Kim: You can either trust that he knows, or if you would feel better, talk about it ahead oftime.
Ryan: I think heknows.
