I was worthless.
With my head down, I shuffled into the kitchen. I did what I knew best – ignoring everyone and everything.
Noah and Beckett stopped talking, both of whom watched me as I pulled out an orange bottle from one of the cupboards to take a little white pill. I swallowed it dry before getting a cup of water and taking it to the living room.
Settling into the normal corner that I always did, I pulled my legs up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them. My cup of water sat on the small table next to me, within reach. I knew that once the pill kicked in, I wouldn’t want to move unless I had to.
Noah had seen me in that state more than I wanted to count. Our high school days sucked, but he had always been there, or at least a phone call away.
“What will he need?” Beckett asked. Although he kept his voice low, I still heard him.
“Nothing, really.” I could picture Noah shrug in my mind with his answer. “Mostly just be there for him.”
I rested my head against the back of the couch, my eyes dry, yet ready to leak tears at the same time.
Usually, I hated it when people talked about me like I couldn’t hear them, but right now, I just didn’t care. I didn’t have it in me.
“This will be one of those times I have to follow your lead here, little one.”
I closed my eyes, waiting for the pill to do its magic on me. I wanted the world to turn numb. It was better than admitting I wanted a strong set of arms to hold me and scare off the monsters that existed in my head.
At the couch dipped, I squinted an eye open, coming face to face with Noah. He sat nearly on my feet. “Beckett’s going to stay with us. Unless you say otherwise, of course.”
I blinked, not caring one way or another.
“Please. Say something at least.” Noah’s voice gave out.
“You don’t need to worry,” I sighed. While it took more energy than it should have, I laid a hand on his warm cheek. My thumb swiped under his eye, making them close at the contact. It wasn’t often I was the first one to show affection. Noah was the clingy one. The one that always wanted to touch and cuddle. Not that I minded. As long it was him, anyhow.
One of his own hands held mine in place, his cheek pressing against my palm.
“As long as I have you, I’ll never need anything else.” It was true. My other needs would never compare to the need to have Noah in my life. Nothing could ever replace him. I’d give anything up for this boy, even if it were my life.
“But you aren’t happy.” Noah peeled his eyes open, meeting my gaze straight on.
There was nothing to say to that. Happiness wasn’t in the cards for me. I knew that the day I was born.
“I’m not suicidal.” Depressed, yeah. But who wasn’t these days? I actually never had thought about offing myself, so that had to count for something.
“That’s not what I said.”
“Noah,” Beckett warned.
Having forgotten that he was there, I dropped my hand and slowly turned my gaze towards him. Noah, on the other hand, flushed and didn’t look over his shoulder.
“You’re in trouble,” I said towards Noah but kept my eyes on Beckett. I knew enough about certain types of relationships that I didn’t need to ask what would happen. I didn’t think the man would purposely hurt Noah, though. Not like his last date had gone, anyhow.
“We’ll deal with that later,” Beckett said, leaving no room for anything but his word. “Noah has said once the two of you have slept on the floor in here while watching a movie. Like a sleepover.”
“Oh, we have.” Noah bounced on the couch, turning to face Beckett a bit better. “We put blankets on the floor and pillows and make a giant bed. We’d do that a lot in high school since his place was more like my home rather than my own.”
That....that actually sounded nice. It’d been so long since we’ve done anything like that. It’d only been a couple of times since I moved in here that we played sleepover since we had a bed and could watch whatever we wanted there.
A longing that was long forgotten about rose as I nodded while Noah still rattled on about movie choices. I was sure everyone in the room knew that I’d pass out before the move even started.
“How about you go get the blankets?” Beckett asked although it was spoken more like an order. One that Noah was more than happy to do.
Once Noah was in the bedroom, talking to himself about what blankets would be best to use, Beckett took a seat on the couch beside me. There was only a couple of inches between us. That feeling like I shouldn’t be looking at him in the eye was there, just as much as it always was. But I still held his gaze, almost daring him to do or say something.
