“Anyone could see by your body language alone that you weren’t comfortable, Asher.”
I lifted a shoulder.
“He doesn’t like strangers.” Noah, all so helpful, stated. “But...why did you come here?”
Could he drop it? Not press on the matter? It didn’t matter now. Nor ever. Because my desires were going to stay secret if anything about tonight was to go off of.
“You wouldn’t have come unless you were looking for something in particular,” Noah went on. His curious gaze roamed over me quickly, as if he were trying to look into me to find the answers I wasn’t going to give.
Little did he know, the wall I had up was a bit cracked and if he pushed just right, it’d all come tumbling out. And possibly not in a good way.
“Maybe your friend would like to keep that to himself for a bit longer,” Beckett butted in. Again. “Which is normal, and perfectly fine to do. So don’t push the subject any more tonight, little one.”
Chapter 38
I didn’t go home alone.
Noah was stuck to my side, literally. With every step I took, he was right there pressed up against me. I don’t think there was an inch of space as we made our way up to the apartment.
Beckett was a few paces behind us, mostly to keep watch that one of us didn’t happen to fall backward. With Noah, it was possible.
I wanted to tell them both, again, that I was fine to be on my own. I’d have made it back fine, too. But since the first three times fell on deaf ears, I didn’t see the point in trying a fourth.
While I would be okay, and ready to fall apart once I was in the one place I felt safe, I didn’t want to be left alone. I didn’t want to be ignored. Nor did I want to have company.
I didn’t know what I wanted.
But I guess that choice was taken from me, and I willingly let it be for the time being.
I was tired of thinking. Tired of trying to figure out what to do next.
If I couldn’t have ropes wrapped around me, the second-best option was to let someone take a tiny bit of control.
It took a bit of juggling to get the door unlocked since my keys were shoved too far down into my front pocket and there was no way I was letting Noah dig them out. There were certain things I wasn’t exactly up to explaining right then, and I knew he’d want answers I couldn’t give.
“Uh...bathroom.” I motioned with a hand in that direction, knowing someone would shut and relock the door.
Noah finally let me go, although I wouldn’t put it past him to tag along there, too.
Shaking that thought away, because some things were better to not allow myself to think about, I shut the bathroom door behind me before making quick work of taking off the cock cage I had worn.
If things had worked out, it was likely I’d need the device. Not that I could recall the last time I felt any drive to do anything. It was more of my own sanity than anything else.
I stashed it under the sink so I could wash it later, and knowing it wouldn’t be found by anyone else, I quickly finished up. I ignored my reflection, not interested in seeing what I could possibly look like.
I slipped into the bedroom, grabbing sleep pants and changing just as fast. It wasn’t even that late, yet I was ready to go to sleep and forget about all the problems that I had.
Low murmuring voices reached me as I neared the partially shut door, and I had to strain to hear them, but even then, it was difficult to get more than a word here or there.
It didn’t take much guessing on what the two were talking about.
My manners were long gone for the day, or night – whatever you wanted to call it. But with that, so was the filter that I tried to keep a hold of. I was just...done. Done pretending for the moment that everything was okay.
Because it wasn’t.
I was a failure.
I was stupid.
