“You have safe words, and you can use them at any time.” He paused long enough for the words to sink in. I nodded once in answer. “Use them if you need to. I’m not going anywhere tonight.”
I just blinked, feeling the first wave of the pill kicking in. It was there on the surface, soothing my hurt emotions and making my thoughts a bit more sluggish.
“The three of us will hang out, watching movies until we all fall asleep. If you wake up and need either of us, we’ll be right there. When morning comes, I’ll make breakfast for us, and we will talk about what happened tonight at the club and why you reacted like you saw a ghost.”
Well, it was better to get the last thing out of the way while my anxiety was simmered down. I didn’t exactly want to spend the entire day talking. It’d be bad enough to want to do absolutely nothing.
With my head back to resting against the back of the couch, I blinked slowly, tearing my gaze away from Beckett. The man who I couldn’t want, or like. I had to remind myself that he was Noah’s.
“He wanted things I didn’t.” I knew that wasn’t good enough, though. It took my mind a moment to gather the thoughts so I could speak them. “No, that’s not right. I do want what he wanted. Just not from him. But he wasn’t who I wanted. And he looked like he wanted to cook me, then eat me. And I’ve been there before. Where men wanted one thing from me, where I had no voice. And I can’t go back there again.”
Once I started, I couldn’t stop. Maybe the pill was affecting me differently than it normally did or maybe it was just that I was fed up with life at that particular moment.
“But I’m sure Noah’s told you where I came from. So really, wanting what I want shouldn’t be something I crave like I do. But...but I don’t know what to do to make it go away. So I thought tonight I’d try, and it failed. Horribly so. Which is to be expected. No one on this earth could want to touch me with how tainted I am from the inside out.”
“I’m not entirely sure where to even try to start to understand all that,” Beckett said slowly, shifting so he faced me more. “But first off, Noah hasn’t told me much about your past. Nor would he. He knows when to keep things secret, and you are one of his biggest. Your past is your story to give to who, and when, you want.”
I just blinked, surprised he hadn’t. Not that there was much Noah could tell anyone. All Noah knew was that I came from bad parents and had a lot of trauma I had to deal with.
“Second,” Beckett licked his lips, “I don’t think talking about all that right now is the best time. Even though I’m concerned about a number of things, I’m glad you know what you want.”
I want- I stopped the thought before it could form. My heart knew what I didn’t want to admit. Out loud or in my thoughts.
“I should....help Noah.” Even though I spoke the words, there was no way I’d be able to move off the couch. The pill was numbing me, just like I needed it to. Sleep would be calling me before the boy would ever get the bed set up on the floor. Which was fine. I’d spent more than enough nights sleeping in weird places.
Beckett raised a brow. Yeah, even he knew that wasn’t in my best interest to try. “You’ll stay right there while I go help him.”
I blinked, and he was gone. I shivered, even though I wasn’t cold, as he and Noah talked. I must have dozed, or zoned out more like it, as Noah was laying a hand on my arm, pulling me away from wherever blank place my mind had gone to.
It wasn’t the blank space I craved, but it was the one I got.
Crawling to the floor, I found a spot on the outer edge of the makeshift bed, where someone covered me with a light, fleece blanket. Then, a moment later, Noah was tucking himself up against me, an arm wrapped around my hips and holding me close.
The last thing I remembered was the whispered words from Noah as sleep pulled me under before the TV was ever turned on.
“I love you, Ashie.”
Chapter 39
Before I fully woke up, I knew I had spent most of the night crying. My eyes were dry and itchy, and my entire body was weak and worn out.
I was spread out on my front, a thin blanket over my back as I breathed in the smell of the clean sheets and blankets. There was no warm form of another human being lying over my back, so I assumed that I was alone, which was probably for the best.
Others could only deal with me and my issues for so long before they tired of it all. I was certainly fed up with it.
Although I should have gotten up, moved, and started the day, the makeshift bed held me hostage. Noah always made the best nesting areas, or whatever this was called.
Low voices from somewhere in the apartment reached me, causing me to huff out a breath. Just because I thought about getting up didn’t mean I wanted to. I didn’t want to do anything but find the peacefulness of a thing called sleep once again.
“He’ll just rest most of the day.” That was Beckett, I think. “That’s to be expected after the night he’s had, and the two pills.”
I had two. Why didn’t I remember that part? I didn’t remember anything after crawling to my spot on the floor before passing out. I couldn’t recall the last time I took more than one of those white pills to begin with. It had to be when I was in high school, but even then I wasn’t sure if it happened more than a handful of times.
While one pill knocked me out, no wonder why I was feeling a bit weak and loopy at the same time. I had no energy. Not to even move, and I kind of needed to go pee.
I must have dozed off again, as I peeled my dry eyes open a slit when a hand ran along my forehead and cheek. I didn’t see more than black sweatpants before I gave up trying to figure out what was going on.
“Drink, darlin’.” With the words, a sprout of some sort slipped into my mouth. I sucked, pulling in some flavored water. It was cold, soothing the dryness that I hadn’t known was there until right then. After a few swallows, the drink was taken away. A whine left my throat as the motion, and I tried to follow it but my body gave up before I got very far from my spot.
