An hour later,I've migrated to one of the smaller gathering spots, the game room, where a handful of guys are playing pool. It feels manageable here, away from the main party.
Gavin drops onto the couch beside me, his massive frame making the furniture creak.
"Plans for the spring semester?" he asks, clearly trying to distract me.
My fingers tap against my thigh. "Same as always. Classes, coding, frat stuff." The familiar rhythm of my life is as predictable as the syntax of a well-written program.
"You're still handling the website, right?" There's a note of concern in his voice, like he's worried I might withdraw from my responsibilities. It's almost touching that someone would notice if I were to disappear.
"Of course." My now-warm beer makes my nose crinkle as I swallow. "I'm not quitting anything."Not that I have anywhere else to go.The frat is the closest thing to permanent I've known.
Gavin nods, looking relieved. "Good. We'd be screwed without our tech wizard." His massive frame shifts beside me, and I wonder if he realizes how much the guys depend on me. Between the website, social media accounts, and rescuing their malware-infected laptops after their late-night porn binges, I'm keeping this place functioning digitally.
The conversation shifts to safer things: classes, upcoming events, anything but Caleb. What surprises me most about this whole situation is how little anger I feel; instead, all I feel is a hollow ache, a resignation that exhausts me.
Would I ever trust him again? Could I?The questions circle in my mind like a shark.
"James!" A voice breaks through my thoughts.
Haru, our Christmas stray, is approaching with another guy I don't recognize. Haru has loosened up considerably since Christmas, though he still bows slightly before sitting down.
"I have brought a friend," Haru announces proudly, like he's accomplished something significant. "This is?—"
"Antonio De Luca," the newcomer interjects, adjusting his glasses nervously. "But, uh, Luca is fine." He offers a hand that's slightly trembling.
His grip is surprisingly firm, calculated. Practiced, like he's read a WikiHow article on proper handshakes.
"Luca and I share Japanese Linguistics," Haru explains.
"I'm a Computer Science and Japanese double major," Luca adds in what is clearly a practiced introduction. "I find programming languages and human languages share fascinating structural similarities, particularly in the way syntax errors can completely alter intended meaning." He stops abruptly, as if reaching the end of a rehearsed speech.
Gavin grins. "Dude, you code? James is our resident hacker."
Luca's eyes widen behind his glasses. "Application development or system architecture? I'm currently exploring neural network implementations with?—"
"And this is how we lose them," Gavin interrupts good-naturedly, jumping up to clap Luca on the shoulder, which makes him stumble slightly. "Drinks first, tech talk later."
Gavin has this way of making people feel welcome even when they're being awkward, and it makes me smile. It reminds me ofmy early days here, when I'd hover at the edges until someone inevitably pulled me in.
"Gavin," Haru says suddenly, "I have been meaning to ask about this 'pledging' process. What does it entail?"
Gavin's face lights up like someone told him Christmas is happening twice this year. "Are you thinking of rushing? That would be awesome!"
"I am... considering options," Haru says carefully.
Gavin practically vibrates with excitement. This is his element, and recruitment mode is activated. Poor Haru probably has no idea what he's unleashed. Last time someone casually asked about pledging, Gavin created a thirty-slide presentation complete with testimonials and statistics on brotherhood retention rates. I made a website for it, which I'm still oddly proud of, despite the ridiculous premise.
Haru meets my eyes briefly, and I give him a small smirk that I hope communicates "brace yourself." If Gavin gets his way, we'll have both Luca and Haru pledging by the end of the night. Not that it would be terrible, we could use more guys who understand what a firewall is besides me.
"Dude, I can tell you everything!" Gavin stands; I don't think he realizes how tall he is, towering over the two much shorter men. "Come on, let's talk to some other guys too."
Before I can say anything, Gavin has dragged Haru away, leaving me with Luca, who looks both scared and interested.
"Is he always so... energetic?" Luca asks.
"Gavin's our resident golden retriever. You get used to it."
Luca studies me for a moment, his head tilting slightly. "I hope this isn't overstepping, but... You seem a bit sad." His voice quiets. "Social gatherings are hard enough when you're happy. They must be exhausting when you're not."
