My head shot up. “Want to? Joe, I picture the rest of my life without her, and I don’t even know how I’ll breathe. My fucking bones ache from missing her, and she’s not even gone, yet.” I threw the towel in the corner and leaned over the counter, dropping my head onto the wood.
“Hey, guys.” Caterina’s tentative voice drifted in from the front entrance. Ava babbled with wide eyes as Caterina navigated the stroller to where we were standing.
“Hey,” I whispered, unable to muster a better greeting than that.
“How are you holding up?” She asked as she climbed into one of the seats.
“I’m alive,” I answered without lifting my head, knowing I’d see nothing but sympathy all over her face, too, and I couldn’t handle it from either of them right now.
“Da Da Da,” Ava bellowed around the squeaky toy in her mouth as she fixed her blue eyes on me.
“Did she just say Daddy?” I asked, my usual joy in seeing her chubby smile overshadowed by the pang in my chest.
“No,” Joe huffed out a laugh. “I think she’s saying ‘Dom’.”
I was surprised when a smile crept across my lips.
I wanted to think that if Thea answered my call and told me she’d lost our baby, I would have snapped out of it enough to be there for her when she needed me.
But I didn’t know how I would’ve handled another loss. I was already withdrawn and barely functional at the time. Those months after my mother died had been like being in a conscious coma. I’d been too riddled with guilt and sorrow to think and act as an actual human being, so I’d left the woman I loved more than anything to suffer alone.
If all I’d ever done was hurt her, maybe the only way I could love her now was to let her go.
“How was the beach?” Joe pecked her lips and scooped Ava into his arms. I had to look away when she cuddled into his neck. I could add sucky godfather to my list of offenses lately.
“I didn’t go. I stopped by the bakery and had Maria’s daughter babysit for a couple of hours while I went to see Thea.”
My head whipped around at the sound of her name.
“Is she all right? Did she ask you to stop by?”
It was none of my business, but in addition to missing her so damn much, I was worried sick about her. She’d gone through so much—thanks to me—and relived it all last night.
“No, she didn’t ask me, but I was concerned. I’ve only known her a few weeks, but she doesn’t strike me as someone who reaches out when she’s upset or needs help.”
I nodded. Stubborn as hell and never asked for help, that was my girl.
Wasmy girl.
“I helped her pack a little and load stuff in her car for tomorrow.” Her eyes darted away before they came back to mine, and there was the pity I’d been avoiding from Joe. I knew then that Caterina had heard all the awful details.
“How was she? I’m glad you went to see her. She’s not ready to see me, again.”
Or ever. After I signed a couple of forms tomorrow, any official ties we had this summer would be cut, and that terrified me most of all.
“She’s the same as you are now.” She sighed, shaking her head. “Sad, distant, and miserable.”
“Thea’s been through a lot, thanks to me.” I huffed out a humorless laugh.
“I don’t think that’s why she’s sad. She misses you as much as you’re missing her, right now. My heart is breaking for both of you.”
“Save your sympathy for Thea,” I cupped my forehead, pressing my fingers into my temples and wishing I could run to her rental right now and beg on my hands and knees. She didn’t have to miss me, I was right here if she wanted me. “I don’t deserve any of it.”
“You found out you lost a baby last night. You’re allowed to mourn, no matter what the semantics are,” Joe said as he rested Ava on his hip.
“I’m going to get a little nosy, but something doesn’t quite add up to me.” Caterina folded her arms and rested her elbows on the counter as she leveled her eyes at me. “Why did you leave Thea in the first place?”
“Because when my mother died, I couldn’t handle it, and I became a zombie. She didn’t need to go through any of that with me. I just wanted to be alone.”
