Page 34

“That’s not what anyone thinks or wants. Come on, it was a hit-and-run. Whoever did it was probably under the influence, it wouldn’t have mattered if your mum was distracted or not.”

“It matters to me!” I thump my chest and grip my locket. “If anyone was supposed to die that day, it was me,” I choke out. Bailey’s face blurs out of focus as tears fill my eyes. I look away.

“That’s not true. You were only seven, Noah⁠—”

I take off down the path, needing to put as much distance between me and the barn as possible.

“Go back inside,” I tell Bailey when he follows. He ignores me, but doesn’t push for conversation, knowing I need silence to calm down. For years he’s been the sun to my storm, clearing the dark, suffocating clouds just by being at my side.

We come to a field. I rest against the fence, staring into the distance until my jaw finally unclenches and my shoulders drop. I rub my face, so fucking tired of this cycle. It doesn’t matter how much I punish myself; it’s never enough—the guilt’s always there. I want just one night to switch everything off.

Some funny-looking sheep with shaggy coats, and black noses and knees spot us and come bounding over like rabbits. One of them bleats at me, so I hold my hand out for it to inspect. The sheep snuffles my palm, gives it a few licks, then bounces off again when I have nothing for it to eat.

I turn to Bailey and wipe my hand on his suit. They may be cute, but the feel of their slobber makes my skin crawl.

“What the hell, Noah?” Bailey looks down at the wet patch, screwing his nose up.

“So, what happened in Cumbria?” I ask, trying to distract him.

A shadow crosses his face, and he looks out over the field. “We talked.”

Unlike Bailey, I do push. It’s hypocritical, but he responds better to a little force than I do. “I assume you made up? You were staring at him with heart eyes back there.”

He turns to glare at me. “No I wasn’t.”

“You totally were. And he was doing it right back.”

Bailey blushes, and I smirk, bumping my shoulder against his arm. “As long as everything’s alright between you, I won’t have to kill him for punching you.” I mean it as a joke, of course, but Bailey pales at my words. “I’m kidding, Bay. Just make sure he, you know … grovels a bit.”

He swallows and gives a little nod. “Come dance with me.”

I shake my head. “I’ll sit out here until Robbie’s ready to drive me back to his place.”

“Please. Do it for me? I’ve had a shit couple of days, and I need my best friend.”

I narrow my eyes. “That’s emotional blackmail.”

“Is it working?”

“Yes,” I grumble.

Back at the barn, Bailey leads me to the dance floor, holding my hips as we sway to the music. I can handle his touch now that I’m calm, but I don’t like how many people are here. My eyes dart around, making sure they don’t get too close.

I cling to Bailey a little tighter as he tells me about his relationship with Theo when they were kids. He finally lets me in on two whole years of his life that he’s kept secret. I focus on him, and everything else around me disappears.

“Looking back on it now, I’m pretty sure he was trying to show off,” Bailey grins. “He took his shirt off and was flexing his muscles as he climbed a tree. The idiot slipped on a branch and almost broke his neck. I was furious with him for being so stupid.”

I try to picture the grumpy Scotsman being so carefree and playful, but it’s difficult.

“Mind if I cut in?” A hand touches my shoulder and I startle, turning around to find the devil himself.

Yes. Yes, I do mind.

Bailey’s eyes widen, but I can see the desperation in them, so I give in and let him go. I’m barely a step away before someone bumps into me, wrapping one arm around my waist, the other grabbing my hand. I look up, about to yell at the person, only to find deep blue eyes sparkling back at me.

Robbie. My shoulders drop, and I blow out a shaky breath, resting my cheek on his chest, feeling more relieved than I ought to.

My spine goes rigid when I realise what I’ve done. I hate being touched by strangers. I hate people bumping into me. And I especially hate when someone tries to grab me when I’m having a panic attack.