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“I don’t have to do anything.”

“Mum would have liked her.”

Fire ignites in my chest, and I grind my teeth. “I don’t want to talk about this.”

“She would have. And if you could stop thinking Sarah’s trying to replace her, then⁠—”

I clamp my hands over my ears. I can’t listen to him talk about her. It’s not just that Sarah’s replaced her—it’s that everyone’s moved on. Dad found Sarah, Richard found Isla. They’re letting themselves be happy when Mum and Jamie have been ripped from our lives. Mum and Jamie aren’t allowed to move on. Mum and Jamie aren’t allowed to be happy. Who knows if they’re even together?

Richard grabs my wrist, pulling my hand away from my ear. “Breathe, Noah.”

I shake my head. I can’t.

“Breathe with me. In, two, three, four. Good.”

I stare into his eyes as I copy him.

“Out, two, three, four.”

My breathing slows, and Richard throws an arm around me, pulling me against him. Usually I can’t stand being touched when I get like this, but it feels different with Richard.

Closing myself off from him over these past years might have been a huge mistake. It hits me suddenly—I miss my brother. I slide an arm around his waist and hug him back.

I can’t pay attention to the wedding. My brother is promising forever to Isla and all I can do is stare at Robbie. Since the moment he took his spot opposite me in the church, I haven’t been able to take my eyes off him. He shifts from one foot to the other, and my gaze drops to his black dress shoes, then moves slowly up his white socks to the peek of bare knees before the hem of his green-and-red tartan kilt.

I feel like a repressed Victorian, getting excited over knees. Shaking my head, I look up, and my gaze crashes into his. He frowns slightly, and my cheeks heat at being caught staring at his kilt.

“Noah,” Richard whispers.

I startle, jerking my head towards him. He nods at my pocket, and I quickly fish out the wedding rings, handing them over to him. For the rest of the wedding, I force myself to stand as still as possible and pay attention to my brother, not wanting to let him down.

The ceremony finally finishes, and I follow Richard and Isla down the aisle. Bailey joins me, and Robbie hangs back to walk with Theo behind us.

By the time we get back to the farm, I’ve managed a whole hour without staring at Robbie. But now I’m watching him make his way to the head table in the barn, his kilt swinging back and forth with the sway of his hips.

I’m fixating again. I follow and take my seat far away from him, praying that the speeches go quickly so I can leave.

Once everyone’s settled, Richard stands and taps a knife against his champagne glass. The room falls silent, and I look up at him, waiting. He glances down at me, eyes full of sorrow. I don’t understand why until I see my dad giving me the same look.

My stomach drops when I realise what he’s about to say. I tear my eyes away from them and glare at my empty plate.

“Thank you all for coming today to witness me finally marry the woman I’ve been hopelessly in love with for the past fourteen years⁠—”

I look out into the sea of faces, seeking out Bailey. He’s leaning towards Theo with a genuine smile that I haven’t seen in a long time, but then he catches my eye and the smile slips away, sadness replacing it. My palms start to sweat, and I rub them on my trousers under the table.

“—I wish Mum could have met Isla. And that Jamie could have stood behind me with Noah as a groomsman. This has been the hardest yet happiest day of my life, and I believe that somehow they’re here with us⁠—”

I stand abruptly. I can’t listen to this. Wishing for them to be here does nothing. They should be here. If I hadn’t shouted at Jamie, if I hadn’t distracted Mum, they would be.

I squeeze past everyone’s chairs, past Robbie, whose fingers brush mine, all the way out of the barn into fresh air. Less than a minute later, Bailey appears next to me. He knows better than to try to touch me, so he hovers close as I pace.

“You okay?”

“Does it look like I’m okay?”

“No. But I don’t know what else I can say. I’ve told you so many times that what happened wasn’t your fault. It was an accident, Noah.”

“An accident that wouldn’t have happened if it weren’t for me,” I growl, fists clenched by my sides. “I can’t sit in there while Richard goes on about how he misses them, and how Jamie should have been here with me, when he should have been here instead of me.”