Page 88

“You didn’t love her?”

I shake my head.

This is the first time Emma’s hearing we weren’t real. That it was never meant to be even close to what it became. It’s about time I’m honest with her.

“What happened with Sadie?” Hearing Emma say her name sends a wave of unease through me. Like the two of them shouldn’t know the existence of the other. They’re from two different lives—before and after.

I continue to stare at the ground when I tell her, “I proposed to her toward the end of our junior year at Penn State.”

“She said no?”

I can’t imagine a world in which she said no. Even now.

“She said yes.” I lift my gaze to find hers. The deep, hollow ache in the center of my chest intensifies. “Two weeks later, I walked in on her and another guy.” I don’t go into it. Not that he was my best friend. Or that I always knew she’d choose him, even when I wanted it to be me. For me to be enough. It’s more complicated than that simple explanation. So much more complicated. But it’s all I can admit to her.

“I’d lost my mother and brother. Sadie was the only one who knew how much it destroyed me. And after what she did to me… I never let anyone else in. I’ve never trusted anyone to get that close. Well, except…” I meet her wide brown eyes, and her cheeks blush with color.

“I mean, it’s different,” I say quickly, not wanting her to think I consider her a replacement for Sadie. Hell, no. But whatever this is with Emma is nothing I ever had with Sadie. “You and I have this weird connection; it’s not like…” I shut up before I say something I shouldn’t.

“Of course,” she says, nodding vigorously, almost comically. I’m prepared for her to pat me on the back like we’re buddies. “We get each other. That’s all.”

“Right.” I want to laugh at us. How we always end up in these morose conversations. Then again, I did set us out on a quest to face the insurmountable. “Well, it looks like we’re pretty pathetic, after all. We’ve spent a gorgeous day dwelling on unconquerable fears. You’re never going to want to do something with me again.”

“Sure, I will.” She laughs, pulling the elastic from her hair to re-secure her ponytail. “As long as you don’t try to cure me again.”

“Done.” That’s a total lie, because we didn’t even get close to what we set out to do. “Wait. Will the school call Rachel about where you were today? I don’t want to make things worse for you with her. I know how she can be.” Just the thought of Rachel shifts my mood.

Emma doesn’t seem fazed. “I can handle her. She’s kind of avoiding me right now anyway.”

“Why do you put up with it?” I ask without a filter. “I have to be honest, I don’t really understand your relationship.”

“Neither do I.” Probably the first honest answer I’ve heard her say when it comes to her mother.

“Emma, has she ever said anything nice to you, you know, like she’s proud of you, or that she loves you for that matter?” It’s something I searched for when I was there. How to get them to connect. But they spent so much time avoiding each other; I never witnessed true affection. And honestly, I got the impression that Rachel doesn’t even like her daughter, as messed up as that sounds—coming from the guy whose father loathed him.

I heard Boston accents are kinda sexy,” Collin says, sitting down on my couch. He’s insisting on a sleepover. After dropping Kendrick off at his car, it’s just the two of us. Danika has an early shift at the hospital.

“You’re kidding, right?” I look at him with concern. I may have concussed him when I accidentally hit him with my bat, channeling my inner Harley Quinn. “I’m really sorry about knocking you in the head. Are you sure you don’t want to get checked out?”

“Danika swears I’m fine. I am fine, so stop looking at me that way.”

“Then what is this about?”

Collin pats the cushion next to him. I sit. “I know we’ve been pressuring you a lot this year. It’s only because we love you. But… I really think it’s time you start living your own life.”

“I’m moving to Boston to start grad school,” I emphasize. “I’m not locked away in my room, bawling my eyes out.” He shoots me a look. “Anymore. I didn’t cry once today. That’s huge. So, what are you saying exactly?”

“You and your beautiful, kind, selfless heart need to let him go, for good. I don’t think he’s coming back to us, Sadie.”

I wait to feel the panicked pounding in my chest. It isn’t there. Because he still has my heart. Collin’s hazel eyes plead with me. And he, of all people, should know he’s asking me the impossible. To give up hope.

“Listen. I get it. I haven’t stepped foot in that fricken garage since he left. I’ve been waiting too. And I even get to see him… once a year. But I think… I know he’s not coming back to us.”

I cross my arms. “Oh yeah? How do you know this? Psychic now too, on top of your certificates of genius and ruler of the Universe?”

Collin doesn’t tease back. I think he’s about to cry.

I scoot closer and take his hands, insisting with a gentle squeeze. “Tell me. Please.”