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Eliza put her face in her hands. She should tell Robert to his face why she couldn’t marry him, but she was a coward. A terrible coward. If she wrote, she might be able to say everything that she wanted to. If she spoke to him, she would cry and say nothing. To make him understand she was not jilting him, she would have to write and explain clearly that it was because she loved him, she had to leave.

The pain in her chest at the thought of letting him down was excruciating and she wondered if this was what a broken heart felt like. He had been so badly affected by his first betrothal, but at least this time there had been no public announcement, and she could assure him she loved him. Loved him enough to let him go safely.

A sob bubbled up and she couldn’t stop it. She wrapped her arms around her middle, sank into a chair, and cried uncontrollably.

Her mother sat beside her and pulled her awkwardly into her arms. ‘Eliza, whatever has happened, I am still your mother.’

She wept harder, shaking so much she could barely breathe.

‘I almost did it, Mama,’ she choked. ‘I almost had a happy life with friends I adore and a man I love. I nearly did it, Mama.’

‘Darling.’ Her mother’s voice fractured. ‘Darling, you don’t have to give it all up. The Cavendish children are your brother and sisters. They will still love you.’

‘No, they won’t. When their mother left to go to France and have me, she left Hart, Gee, and Haryo at home for a long, long time, and it devastated them. They still talk of the sorrow and heartbreak even now. They will not want me to be part of the family because I am the one that caused all that terrible pain.’

He mother sighed. ‘And Robert? His life is not in London, so it might not cause him a great deal of trouble.’

‘It would most certainly cause trouble for Hannah and Edward, and what about the rest of our family? What about you and Papa’s memory? What about Charles’s political career? Mary? Does Mary know? Oh, God, if she does not, this will devastate her and the children too. It’s all over, Mama. I can’t do it to everyone. It simply must remain a secret.’

She broke down and sobbed again.

Her mother moved, and before long, Millie arrived and sank down beside her. ‘Oh, miss,’ she breathed. ‘Come. Come with me and let us get you settled.’

‘I need to pack, Millie. Right now. We need to leave London immediately.’

‘Right. Let’s go then. Come with me.’

She caught the look that passed between Millie and her mother but ignored it. She just needed to leave.

In her chamber, Millie helped her out of her dress and pulled back the bedcovers. ‘You pop yourself in here whilst I get all your things together for packing.’

Eliza climbed onto the bed. All she wanted to do was pull the blankets over her head and never come out.

‘Did you know?’ she asked as she lay her head on the pillow. She knew the answer before Millie flushed.

‘I did, but it wasn’t my place to speak up.’

Eliza nodded. She wondered how many other people knew. The thought made her feel sick. She had been so foolish. So ridiculously innocent.

‘Just rest now. You’ve had an awful shock.’

Eliza pulled around a pillow and hugged it, the way she used to do when she was a little girl, as Millie moved quietly about the room.

‘I should tell Hannah,’ she said after turning everything endlessly about in her head.

Millie stopped organising her hats and looked at her. ‘And the others?’

She buried her face in the pillow. ‘I don’t know.’ It came out muffled. The bed dipped as Millie sat beside her and gently pulled the pillow away.

‘I think you need to give it all a lot more thought before you do anything. I think you need to talk to the Earl, and to the Dowager, and think about this carefully. It’s been a secret for eighteen years and I don’t see why anything should become known now.’

‘Except it’s not a secret, is it? You knew, and I imagine all the staff know.’

‘Not everyone, and the staff love you. They are not going to say anything.’

Eliza shook her head and sat up, pushing her hair out of her face. ‘No, it was a foolish thing to do, coming to London. Mama tried to stop me and I understand why now. It was ridiculous to think I could ever fit in here. I don’t even fit in at home in Northumberland.’ She took a deep breath as tears threatened again. When she had them under control, she clambered off the bed. ‘I have to write to Robert.’

Millie looked like she too wanted to cry, but nodded as she drew Eliza into her warm, familiar arms and held her.