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‘How about instead they come here, to the farm?’ I suggest.

‘That’s a good idea. They could see Will here, in the forest. A chance to see what he’s like. Just as people here at the farm, looking for a tree. And we’ll take it from there, if everyone is happy.’

I nod but feel in a bit of a daze. Suddenly, the new year is looking very different; very different indeed. It will be me and Tegan, in a holiday cottage on Glan’s farm.

‘So, if it’s okay with you, I’ll let them know they can drive over. They’re very keen to meet him.’

‘Yes, yes, fine,’ I say, and then add, ‘and they’re all, y’know, checked out?’

‘Yes,’ she says, reassuring me, ‘they’ve been through the adoption process and have been approved by the panel.’

‘Good, good. And you’ll let them know how much he loves spicy food?’ I say. ‘And dogs; you know how he loves dogs.’

‘Don’t worry. We’ll get all that information to them.’

I think about the puppies he has become so fond of, but I’m not sure this new family will be expecting to take a large Labrador cross into their home with Will. And the idea suddenly seems so painful.

‘And I’ll be able to stay in touch with him?’

‘Yes, of course. It will be part of the agreement that you’ll have contact; letters and cards, that sort of thing.’

I nod. My mind is whirring. ‘When do we tell him?’ I ask, trying to sort out the scramble that’s going on in my head right now. The thought of Will not being here feels physically painful, like someone pushing down on my chest, hard. Like when I lost Paddy. It feels a lot like that. Missing someone so much that it hurts.

‘Not yet. Let me talk to the prospective parents first. See how they feel. It’s a big thing for them, too.’

I wave a hand in front of my wet eyes.

‘Yes, of course.’

And all I can do is stand at the sink, watching the activity out on the yard, telling myself it’s for the best.

This is the best thing for Will. A proper family of his own. Parents, a stable home life. Birthday parties and hitting milestones. Not like with me, in a rented cottage on the farm next door. I’d be the oldest parent at the school gates! And I can’t even remember to go Christmas shopping and organize Christmas lunch properly. I sniff and brush away a tear. This is for the best. A new family that can give him everything he could want. This is best for Will.

I stand and stare without seeing, my eyes swimming with tears.

My phone rings, and for once it’s nearby. I pick it up and look: it’s the solicitor. Lara is gathering her things; I wave to her as I take the call, and she slips out into the yard to give me privacy.

‘I know it’s close to Christmas, but as you know, the buyer’s solicitor is keen to exchange contracts and move to completion as soon as possible . . .’

‘Yes, I understand,’ I say. ‘But we’ve agreed that that can all happen at once, can’t it? Exchange and completion?’

‘Yes, simultaneous exchange and completion. As we’ve discussed, it’s high risk. If your buyer pulls out, the sale will collapse. But your buyer is a cash buyer, and all the paperwork is now in place and ready. All the ducks are in a row, so to speak.’ She gives a little laugh, and I glance out at Louie, Dewey and Huey; they’ve been such funny little companions for me and Will. ‘. . . I wonder if you could come in and sign the contract, so it’s ready for exchange and completion on the twenty-fourth? It’s quite a big task, and we just need everything in order so we can all get away for a Christmas break.’

‘Yes, of course,’ I say.

This is what it’s been about: selling this place, moving on. A new beginning, for me and for Will. I screw my eyes up tightly. This is what we both wanted: a new forever family for him, and a new home and future for me. Somewhere for us both to put down roots.

‘I’ll forward you an email with an appointment, if that’s okay?’

‘Yes, fine. See you soon.’

I hang up and hold the phone to my chin. This is it: I’m going in to sign contracts, and then everything will change. It seems unbelievable, but come midday on Christmas Eve, Scarlett will move in. It’s what the plan has been.

I wish I had someone to share this with. And then I see the chunky robin outside.

‘I’m selling, Paddy,’ I find myself saying out loud. ‘Moving on. It’s the right thing. For Will too. The right thing.’ I nod, this time not able to hold back the tears, and bite my bottom lip. ‘So why does it feel so bloody awful?’

Chapter 35