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I stalked toward to him. My tears were breaking away, rolling down my cheeks, but I didn’t wipe them. I wouldn’t show any more weakness in front of him. I would show him that his services as protector were no longer needed.

“You’re a monster,” I said, slower so he’d hear every syllable. “And I no longer feel comfortable working with you.”

He sat on his bed, as if his legs would give out if he didn’t, and the look on his face … God, it crushed me. Like a brokenhearted little boy. I wanted to take every word I’d said back, except he’d killed someone. And he lied to me. I’d trusted him, and all this time Vi had been right.

“Cali,” he pleaded, like a sob.

“Don’t you ever call me by my name again.”

I turned and rushed to the door, remembering all too late that I’d bolted it. I struggled with the lock, tears blurring my vision.

“I don’t want your help,” I snapped, when I heard him get up—he was coming to open the door for me despite everything, because of course he was. Once again, my clumsiness had foiled the impact of my words.

I struggled for what seemed like far too long, though it must have only been a few seconds, before I finally managed to open the door. I left his room without looking back, my tears condemning me as I ran down the hall.

CHAPTER 31BERIC

The armor was always ready, but I buffed and polished every piece all the same. I mended any of my clothes that needed it. Took Ivy out on a late-night ride, then cleaned and brushed her. Scrubbed myself clean afterward until my skin felt raw.

Any task my muscles understood well enough that would allow me to shut out my thoughts.

It was only the birdsong that alerted me to morning. I was used to little sleep, if need be, but the extra effort it took to keep my mind from wandering to yesterday had exhausted me. I should’ve just taken a sedative and slept dreamlessly through the night. Because now my duties were done, and there was nothing left to distract me.

But Cali didn’t want me near her, anyway. So maybe it didn’t matter if I slept the hours away.

I lay down, closing my eyes. Yes, this was the perfect day to forgo my duties. It was the queen’s birthday, and the king wouldn’t want to be bothered until his appearance this evening. I could simply attend the party tonight, and no one would know I wasn’t where I was supposed to be.

Except for Eliza. I probably only had a few hours before she would undoubtedly come find me.

A knock at the door, as light as it was, set me on edge. I looked up to see Kat standing in the doorway, Eliza a short distance behind her.

“What does he want now?” I asked, no level of civility in my voice.

Kat looked disturbed. “Yesterday was worse than I’ve heard, then.”

At the mention of yesterday, I rolled onto my stomach, my arm hanging off the bed onto the cold floor. “I’d rather not talk about it.”

“He made an example of one of the members of court,” she went on. I fumbled for my earplugs pinned beneath me so I wouldn’t have to hear it. “We have to find out what triggered this and fix—”

With the sound drowned out, I pressed my pillow against my head, shielding my ears further. I couldn’t tell if I couldn’t breathe from the panic that I felt rising, or if my panic was only rising because I couldn’t breathe. Either way the pillow wasn’t helping, but there was no way I was going to open the possibility of hearing—

No. No, no, no …

“No,” I said aloud, because thinking it wasn’t enough. Because the memories of yesterday came flooding back, and I suddenly felt foolish for ever trusting a knight. And yet still I missed Cali so much it hurt.

Eliza’s hand had gone to my back, rubbing in gentle circles—I’d felt her touch so often in my ten years here that I knew her pressure immediately. And, I don’t know why, but that was what finally sent me over the edge into tears.

Eliza removed the pillow from my head, and I curled into her. She removed my earplugs, stroked my hair. She was going to make me tell her, and I really didn’t think I could.

“What happened, sweet boy?” she asked.

Cali hates me.

I should’ve just said it, because that was the truth. But I felt so stupid, falling for someone I knew would never care for me.

“Beric…” Kat was still here, sitting in the chair across from my bed. “You’re the only person who would know what the king said, his exact order. Exactly what happened, without embellishment. If we are to fix this, you have to tell—”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I said, wishing I could disappear.