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“The king unnerves me, I admit. But he’s mortal, just like the rest of us.” My tone was disdainful, which was treasonous and awful at the same time. But I didn’t care. Why should I care to respect a king who gave such orders? Or the boy, who I thought was so sweet, who would carry them out? “We’ve seen him vulnerable, in need of our magic to keep him alive. He needs us. Why is everyone so afraid to stand up to him?”

“You have not seen the way he kills,” Beric said, his brows creased. “I pray you never have to.”

“Well, I’m not afraid of him,” I said, defiantly. It felt stubborn to say such a thing, foolish, but my disappointment in Beric’s words overshadowed that.

“You haven’t been here long enough to know any better.”

“I don’t know any better?” I snapped. I saw him cringe, and for a brief second, I felt sorry for him. And yet I pushed his hands away as he reached for his earplugs. “You think you’re so righteous, don’t you? You’ve withheld information from me since the very first day—since the audition—and yet expect me to see things your way. So you can take care of me. Poor, defenseless, stupid little Cali—”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“Despite my discomfort,” I said, poking my finger at his chest, “I spoke to the king. I gave you what you wanted.”

“What I wanted?” He took my hand, as if I hadn’t just been using it to aggressively gesture at him. “Didn’t you want this too?”

I wished his question carried the same emotion mine did. That he would show he cared for me, with his words, his tone, his actions. But as usual, nothing lined up, and I should’ve seen it as the warning sign it was from the very beginning.

“I thought I did,” I said. I couldn’t afford to rely on anyone else, not anymore. So I forced myself away from him, glaring up at him as coldly as I could. “But you’ve just destroyed any amount of feelings I might have had on the subject.”

“I don’t understand.” He stared at me, his confusion clear, and I nearly lost my resolve. “You wanted us to be together, but not for me to care for your well-being? Not for me to perform my duties to their full capacity?”

I gaped at him. “You consider killing the one man who could free me your duty?”

“My God, please tell me that’s not what you’re still worried about,” Beric snapped. Finally, some emotion from him. It was a relief to see him angry, to hear that he actually cared about something. “That your horrible cousin is down a suitor? I told you your parentage didn’t matter.”

Though I would’ve preferred it if his anger was directed toward the same stance as mine.

“Down a suitor? Do you hear yourself? Are you so savage?”

“Yes,” he said, simply. Harshly. “I am, so you don’t have to be.”

“You cannot mean that.”

Beric looked at me as if I could only be joking. “You talk of dreaming of marrying a boy with a sword—what do you think swords are for, Cali? Do you think this is the first time I’ve been forced to kill a man on behalf of my knight?”

My blood went cold, his words disturbed me so. And yet, there was something in me that rose up.

“My cousin called you barbaric,” I said. “And for once, I agree with her. I have no doubt, now, of why they fear you at court. But I’m not one of them.”

He sighed. “I don’t say these things to frighten you.”

“Then why do you say them?” I snapped. “To push me away? To make me hate you?”

He froze. “Please don’t say that.”

“You’re a hypocrite, Beric. You pray to God, and yet you break His laws. You murdered a man. Not in self-defense, nor rightful punishment. In cold blood, on the king’s whim. How can you even live with yourself?”

“I repent, and He forgives me the things I can’t avoid in this cruel service to a troubled king,” he said, stepping closer, and I wanted to close the distance between us so badly my muscles hurt. “Why can’t you?”

“Because I don’t forgive the deeds of monsters.”

Beric looked at me as if he’d just been shot by an arrow, as if I had sucked every ounce of life from him with only a few words. “What did you say?” he whispered.

Perhaps he was right. Perhaps my heart was too gentle to be cruel, to be brave in the face of this boy whose heart I’d just broken. I felt tears burning my eyes, and they quickly clouded my vision. I didn’t want him to see me cry over him, didn’t want him to know that I was devastated that the boy who I had thought was noble and protective and brave was instead exactly as the journal had described.

Maybe Beric hated Vi, but that didn’t make her a liar.

And this was real life, not some fairy tale.