Page 52

“Oh. Happy Birthday,” I exclaim, smiling at her.

“Thank you.”

I nod and sign in on the form in front of me before looking back up at her again. She already knows what I want to know, and her smile falls a little.

“It’s not a good day. She’s in good spirits, though.”

Nodding, I turn toward the hallway and take a deep breath as I begin walking to her room. The hardest days for me are the ones where she knows that she’s forgotten something, like she can feel a piece of her missing but she just can’t remember what it is. It makes her so angry, and she begins lashing out at anyone in the vicinity. Any day where she can’t remember but is oblivious to the missing pieces of her mind is a blessing. At least on days like today I still get little moments of my mom back.

I stop right outside her door and peek in, needing to see what she’s up to before I go in there so I can prepare myself, but there is no amount of preparation to help with what I’m seeing. She’s sitting in the old rocking chair I brought from her house with her – the one that her and daddy used to sit in together on the front porch in the summertime – and she’s got a pillow shoved up under her shirt. She’s stroking her belly and singing a lullaby to it.

“Hey, Mama,” I say softly, stepping into the room, and she looks up at me and blinks.

Please know who I am, Mama.

Finally, after what feels like hours, she smiles. “Addy, my sweet girl. What are you doing here? You’re supposed to be in school.”

I step farther into the room and sit in the only other chair in the room right next to her. “I’m sorry, Mama. I just missed you so much, and I wanted to see you.”

“Oh, well that’s all right. I’ll never turn down the chance to spend a little time with you.”

I smile, my eyes watering a little, and point to her stomach. “What are you doing?”

Her answering smile is blinding, and I can’t remember the last time I saw her look this happy. She gazes down at her belly and rubs her hand over it again. “You’re going to be a big sister, Addy. Isn’t that exciting?”

Oh, God, she’s remembering the baby that didn’t make it. My little brother or sister. I have to bite my lip hard to hold in the tears and turn away from her for a second.

“Addilyn, what’s wrong? Aren’t you excited?” The shake in her voice breaks my heart clean in two, and I turn to her with tears still shining in my eyes and hope I can pass them off as happy tears. Smiling up at her, I nod.

“I’m so excited,” I say, reaching out to rub her belly just like I do Emma’s, and I feel like I’m dying inside.

“Oh, sweetheart, you’re going to be such a good big sister. You’ll teach this little one everything he needs to know.”

“He?” I ask, confused. She blushes and pulls the pillow out from under her shirt.

“Well, we don’t really know yet but I want a little boy that’s just like your daddy. It would make our family complete.”

“It sure would, Mama.”

She sighs, shaking her head as she tosses the pillow back on the bed. “Your daddy is gonna be so mad that I told you without him. He was looking forward to telling you.”

“Aww, I’m sure he’ll be okay.”

“Yeah.” She exhales, pressing her hand to her belly and looking out the window.

“I wonder if he’s going to write me another letter. You know he wrote me one when I told him I was pregnant with you and the day of our wedding and my birthday.” She sighs contentedly, and I can’t help but smile at how happy she looks. “That man is the sweetest. When you’re older and ready to settle down, I hope you find a man who cherishes you the way your daddy does. That man would step in front of a bullet for either of us.”

“I know he would, Mama,” I whisper, tears threatening to fall again.

“Someday, when you’re a little older, I’m going to give you those letters so you can find a man that treats you like that.”

“I’d really love that.”

She turns to me with a bright smile on her face before her brows furrow, and she points a finger at me. “All right, young lady. You need to get back to school. Just because your mom is a teacher doesn’t mean you get any special treatment.”

I don’t want to leave yet but I know if I stay, it’ll only aggravate the situation. In her mind, I’m young Addy, and I need to get to school. Nothing I do can change that. I stand and she winks at me, fighting back a smile.

“See you later, Mama. I love you.”