Page 44 of Yearning Difficulties

‘We need to go on an actual date.’

Killian said the words to me as we all filed into a compulsory computer lab. I’d shushed him, but considered his words carefully. He was right. People had accepted that we were together.

But I still felt Dr Bergery’s eyes on us and a part of me knew she was smart enough to be sceptical. For the breakup to land, for all of it to seem legitimate, for her to stop thinking I was using her son for some popularity scheme . . . we needed to kick it up another notch.

That night, Lake Pristine was hosting a pumpkin auction. It was one of two annual auctions in the town, the other being the floral auction in the spring.

Of the two, the pumpkin auction usually felt a little more bloodthirsty. People would bid for the largest pumpkin and occasionally fights would even break out.

When Killian and I arrived at the bandstand, the pumpkins had all been assembled on the steps. Ester, from the market, was readying to start the proceedings.

‘Which one do you want, Red?’ he asked.

I took in the humble collection at Ester’s feet and then lifted my eyes to the roof of the gazebo. A large oversized orange pumpkin was sitting on the roof tiles. It was cartoonishly big.

Killian followed my gaze. ‘You want that one?’

Two women were already bidding over a small, sedate-looking pumpkin. It was the perfect size for a child to carve, which was perhaps why the two women were eyeing each other with bitter resentment, both ready to go to war so their eight-year-old could have the perfect Halloween present.

‘I don’t think that one is for sale,’ I murmured to Killian. He smelled great.

We were standing side by side in the cold autumn air, him in his oversized plaid jacket and me in a shearling coat. Our breath was visible when we spoke. But it wasn’t the roaring fireplace in Pete’s cafe that I wanted. It wasn’t the heaters that were wafting out warmth in Ma’s salon.

I wanted to warm myself by pressing closer to him.

And the thought was startling. Its intrusion was like someone touching your shoulder while you were lost in your own thoughts. I started. Killian smiled down at me, oblivious.

I wondered if it was my body not being able to tell the difference between real and pretend. While my brain understood that every brush of our fingers was an act of fakery, maybe my skin didn’t. When he would lean down to whisper in my ear, my mind knew to go along with it but my hair didn’t know it was standing on end because of an act we’d agreed upon.

I almost took a step away from him. It was ridiculous. To have flashes of attraction to someone who was simply doing me a favour. This wasn’t me. This wasn’t what I wanted. To trick and coerce someone into feeling sorry for me. To have them wonder if loneliness was the real reason behind my scheme.

I cringed at my own stupidity.

‘How about that one?’ Killian asked, pulling me back to the scene.

I looked at the third pumpkin being readied for auction. It was a decent size and a healthy colour. Perfectly acceptable.

‘Sure,’ I said distractedly. ‘That’ll do.’

His smile faded and I winced.

‘Sorry,’ I said quickly. ‘I just . . . really want the illegal pumpkin.’

It was a weak joke but something wicked entered his eyes. He told me to stay where I was and I had to watch in confusion as he started to push his way through the small gathering of people. The crowd parted for him and everyone stared in horror as he started to climb onto the roof of the bandstand.

‘Oi!’ shouted Ester, and I had to grin at the gruffness in her voice. She’d dropped her hoity-toity auction voice and now sounded more like her usual self. ‘Which twin are you? I don’t even care – get down!’

‘Sorry!’ Killian said, unapologetically. ‘My girlfriend wants this big bruiser so I’m taking him down.’

I clapped a hand over my mouth to stifle my laughter while the townspeople gasped and heckled as Killian lifted the behemoth pumpkin.

‘Jesus,’ he groaned, hoisting the orange planet into his arms. ‘This weighs more than both of us, Red!’

‘You put that back!’ barked Ester. ‘That is the property of the Lake Pristine Council! Don’t you dare!’

The words seemed to tickle Killian’s demand avoidance because he beamed merrily at Ester before jumping down from the bandstand, gripping the pumpkin to his chest with determined finality. He wasn’t giving it back.

Ester continued to yell after him as he jogged over to me.