Page 37 of Yearning Difficulties

‘I’ll make an appointment with you over email,’ the woman said calmly. ‘Look out for it.’

I made my way to the canteen, rage icing my veins. When I saw Killian with Anderson at their usual table by the window, I stopped. It was now or never. The whole of our year was filing inside. If we were going to commit to the lie, this was the place to do it.

Teenagers picked up on the smallest change in body language between people. If we were all over each other, it would look too strange. Too forced. I needed to confirm what was already a healthy rumour. Very few students listened to the radio broadcast, but enough would have heard my conversation with Chris. Sitting down with Killian would be more than enough to light the powder.

So that’s what I did.

I sat dangerously close to Killian, noticing the way he tensed. Anderson gave me a small smile of understanding.

‘Catch you in History, Kill.’

Killian nodded as his friend left. He eventually looked at me. ‘Ready to do this?’

Fuelled by irritation aimed at Dr Casey, I replied, ‘More than ready.’

‘There’s no going back.’

I pressed my forehead to his. ‘From now until the medieval feast?’

‘Until you get everything you want, Red.’

A few people were already staring at us. I could see them from the corner of my eye, and I could hear murmurings as the tables around us seemed suddenly less interested in their lunch.

‘Someone has their phone out,’ Killian breathed, his lips barely moving. ‘This is about to catch fire.’

I pulled back an inch, just enough to make people wonder what was about to come next. We were facing each other, side by side on the same bench. I knew a kiss would be too uncouth, too exhibitionist. Instead, I reached up to touch his dark black curls. I stroked my fingers through them, dragging my nails gently against his scalp.

He closed his eyes. I watched his Adam’s apple bob. And he let out a small groan. Either he was a truly gifted actor or he was genuinely enjoying the contact.

I smiled. I could feel people scrambling all around us, nudging each other and pointing.

It would be enough.

Fourteen

What’ll I Do?

Today’s Track: ‘What’ll I Do’ by Irving Berlin

‘Right,’ I said softly. ‘The next stage is us pretending that we’re not together.’

‘We have to pretend that we’re pretending that we’re not actually dating?’

‘Exactly.’

He laughed. ‘Explain.’

‘People have seen us like this. Intimate. But they think they’ve stumbled upon it themselves.’ While I spoke, we ate and kept our voices low. ‘They think they’re clever now. We have to act like we’re still trying to hide it so they feel more determined to believe it’s true, convinced they’ve uncovered something all by themselves.’

‘You’re scaring me now.’

I intentionally took a bite of his pasta. ‘Am I not making sense?’

‘No, you are,’ he said quietly. ‘People who’re in love don’t ever think they’re being obvious. They always think they’re managing to keep a lid on their feelings and that it’s this great secret. But everyone can see it written on their face.’

I grinned at him. ‘Perfectly said.’

He smiled and glanced away. ‘Thanks.’