Page 36 of Yearning Difficulties

No. It’s a weird farce the two of us concocted for mutual gain. I want a seminar place; he wants his mother to get off his back about socializing at school. ‘Yes.’

‘Wasn’t that him on the radio with you just now?’

‘No. His brother.’

‘Ah, yes. I sometimes forget he’s a twin. I never have the other one in here! Just Killian.’

I fidgeted. ‘Is there a problem with us dating?’

‘No, of course not. But . . . you were in a long-term relationship for a lot of last year. I just want to make sure you’re making friends, not just going out with boys.’

The words hit me like a fast-moving train. I couldn’t understand where this badly dressed woman got the gall. ‘Excuse me?’

‘You’re a bright and engaging girl, but neurodivergent young women can often become overly depended upon by partners that get obsessed with them. I don’t want you to mask your way into another entanglement—’

‘I’m not neurodivergent.’

Dr Casey blinked, astonished. ‘What?’

‘I’m not . . . I’ve never been – that information isn’t correct.’

You just don’t have a diagnosis.

I shook the words away and forced myself to hold Dr Casey’s gaze.

‘Oh.’ Dr Casey was turning red. ‘Forgive me. I assumed . . .’

‘You shouldn’t be assuming anything, Dr Casey. This is, like, wildly unprofessional.’

‘You’re right, I’m sorry. But. Regardless, Zella. You need to be thinking about you right now. You have so much on your plate, you’re juggling so many things in the air. A boyfriend might derail some of those finely laid plans. I think being lonely is completely understandable, but you shouldn’t throw yourself into another—’

‘First of all,’ I said, my voice shaking with anger, ‘don’t pathologize me. My personal life is none of your business. And secondly, who are you to say I’m lonely?’

But you are, a voice whispered in my head. You said as much on the radio. You see everyone else with their friends on social media. You wonder how they manage to keep so many people close to them when you can only handle one person at a time. You walk around town, especially at this time of year, and a part of you longs to have someone walk with you. You miss watching the Lord of the Rings movies with Max. You want to be part of a group chat for once.

You’re lonely, Zella.

It’s as obvious as a rash.

‘Zella.’ Dr Casey was fidgety now. ‘I’m sorry. But . . . loneliness is not something to be ashamed of. Your generation are struggling with it more than any other. I get so many students in this office who want to talk about that.’

I felt my heart in my throat. ‘Can I go, please? There’s nothing I really feel like discussing.’

Dr Casey sighed. ‘Okay. Well, I think we should make an official appointment for you.’

‘I’m fine.’

‘Zella, I really don’t want to have to tell Dr Bergery that I think you’re too overwhelmed to take on other responsibilities.’

My eyes narrowed. ‘You would do that?’

‘The welfare of my students must come first.’

How dare she.

‘I know how to take care of my own welfare. I’ve been doing it for eighteen years without any help.’

I suddenly realized that there was something steely in Dr Casey’s eyes. She was obviously a professional who was used to getting her own way.