Page 61 of Doubting Hearts

Simon looked a little uncomfortable, as if he’d said something he regretted. “I’m assuming there was a home you didn’t really like, with awful kids. There’s always one in every foster kid story, isn’t there?”

I eyed him carefully. “You sounded as if you knew something specific, Si. I know you well enough.” I waited as he fidgeted with his tie. I could be patient too.

He held up his hands in a gesture of surrender. “Toby, I don’t want you getting pissed with me. Can you promise me you won’t be?”

“It depends on what you tell me,” I said, regarding him evenly. “This sounds serious.”

He looked at me with a hint of fear in his eyes. “Toby, you have to promise me you won’t be mad. I couldn’t bear it if you were.” The vulnerability in his voice made me cold. This was the man who’d given me back my life and taken me on when no one else would. I couldn’t ever be mad at him.

“I promise,” I said. He looked relieved, sitting down in the chair behind the desk.

“I remember when you came to see me for the interview, at the age of twenty-three, so self-possessed and confident. Then you told me about what you’d done to Landon and looked at me as if you expected me to kick you out. I’m hazarding a guess that as soon as you were honest about who you were and what you’d done, people switched off and told you ‘Don’t call us, we’ll call you.’ Am I right?”

I nodded silently. That was exactly how it had been. I had been out of work for months because I’d been honest. Simon carried on.

“No one wanted a gay man who’d bashed another man, causing him injury. Yet you had to tell the truth. It wasn’t in you to lie even if you wanted a job.”

“I am who I am, Simon. I won’t hide it for anyone. I fought tooth and nail to rise above—” I cut my words off. I’d already said enough. He smiled softly.

“My boy, that’s exactly why I employed you. This industry is an incestuous one, and everyone knows everything. Before you even came for the interview, I knew about you and Landon. I knew a lot more too. I was intrigued by this young man who didn’t cut corners, who wouldn’t compromise himself.” He looked at me warily. “I had an old lover who worked for the police department. She did me the kindness of looking up your police record and gave me what she had on file.”

I gazed at him in horror. “You what? You checked my police file?” I moved agitatedly around the table to perch my backside on the desk in front of him.

“Remember your promise, Toby,” he said gently. “I didn’t ask for all the details. I just wanted to know if the story you told about Landon checked out. I couldn’t have someone working at this hotel that might be a risk. I’m sure you could appreciate that.” He swallowed as I glared at him. “But Joyce sent me everything she had. I was curious, Toby.” He shrugged apologetically. “I read it all. It just reinforced my belief that you were the right person for this hotel. The right person for me.” He took my hand in his. “You were a young man who had been to hell and back yet still managed to finish your GCSE, put yourself through hotel school, and retain a sense of who you were despite everything you’d been through.”

“So, all this time you’ve known me, you’ve known about the arson, about—” I swallowed. “About Ricky?”

Simon nodded. “Yes. Not all the facts, of course, but I can read between the lines. And I can quite safely say I am so privileged to have known you these past four years. You’ve grown so much and become a wonderful man, Toby. You should be so proud of yourself. I am.”

I couldn’t speak. Every secret I’d ever tried to hide, and Simon was telling me he’d known all about them and yet still had employed me, nurtured me, and looked after me. The fact he’d accessed my police file had been forgotten. I stared at him, and he smiled. He stood up, gently pulled my head toward his, and kissed me tenderly on the forehead.

“Have you told Rain about your past, Toby?”

I looked up into his eyes, nodding. “Yes. He knows most of it.

Probably more than you do, actually.”

“Do you love him?” His voice was almost steady, but I heard the tremor. I nodded. I didn’t want to hurt him, but I had to tell him the truth. He deserved that.

“Yes, I love him. But that doesn’t seem to be enough—”

He laid a finger on my lips for the second time. The pain in his eyes at my admission made my heart break, but I couldn’t lie to him. “Then give him a chance to tell you what was happening between him and his ex. Listen to him. If after that you still feel the same way as you do now, then so be it. But at least you can say you did it outside of the heat of the moment. Take it from someone who’s made that mistake before.”

“It hurts, Si,” I said, all choked up. “Seeing him like that with another man. I don’t think I can talk to him yet.”

“Then do what you bloody young people do so well and text him, Facebook him, twitter him, whatever.” Simon waved his hands around frenziedly. I smiled despite the ache in my heart.

“It’s ‘tweet,’ not twitter. Don’t you old people know anything?”

We smiled at each other fondly, and he pulled me to my feet and hugged me. He squeezed me tightly, and when he let me go his voice was husky.

“You know I still love you deep inside, Toby. But I respect your choice to love Rain. Just don’t fuck it up for yourself.”

He caressed my cheek gently, then left the room. I stood there for a minute, not knowing what to do next. I sighed and switched on the computer. A few hours of mind-numbing stock taking and finances might take my mind off Rain for a little while until I decided what I was going to do.

Two hours and as many coffees later, I leaned back in my chair, passing a hand over strained eyes. It was close to knock-off time. I’d calmed down a little. The numb feeling still sat in the pit of my stomach as I replayed Simon’s last words over in my head. I sighed and picked up my mobile and sent a message.

Why the fuck did you kiss him?