Page 31 of I Love You, It’s Ruining My Life

“I don’t know if I am either, but even if this does backfire and ruin any chance of RaineFall coming back, you made a good point. I’ve been a recluse, and I think it’s time I started actually being a part of this family again. And that means having Noah’s back tonight, so I need you to coach me through the kinds of questions to expect.”

“Okay. Well, first, what are you planning on wearing to this red carpet? You know, the one that’s in three hours?” Mel deadpanned, only to be greeted by absolute silence. I had a nice outfit I’d planned on wearing, but I was certain she’d hate it. “That’s what I thought. I’ll be at Noah’s in half an hour. Don’t you even think of leaving”

Mel arrived with time to spare, complete with a glam squad I should’ve seen coming. While she coached me through questions, I was forced into a light dusting of makeup, a haircut, and a style. Mel even forced them to shave off my beard, and explicitly told me never to grow it again. Noah burst out laughing when he saw Mel putting me through the celebrity-style bootcamp, only to be manhandled into his own chair. By the time we were ready to leave, I looked better than I had in years: with a suit I could no longer afford and nerves filling every fiber of my being.

But it was worth it to see Noah looking forward to his night.

It reminded me of a time before things soured between the three of us: when we’d prepare for all of our events together. We’d tease each other about getting glammed up, even though we’d all had our turn in the makeup chair. We’d always gone out of our way to look our best, even if I was stupidly obsessed with frying my curls with a hair straightener. It’d never been something we’d done by ourselves; it was always a brotherly affair.

One, I was surprised to realize I’d missed. Our rituals, the behind-the-scenes things like this, even the way we played off each other in interviews. That was just how we were, even if Mel was worried we’d forget our media training by acting too much like brothers for the cameras.

Then the media started pitting us against each other — and it became clear most of the fans had crushes on Noah or Jack, leaving me as the loser in a weird parasocial fan competition. I distanced myself, which was only expedited by meeting Julia. I’d convinced myself my brothers wanted me in the background, that they didn’t need me, and it became a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I’d walked away from the band and from our family long before the fight ever happened. I hadn’t realized it until now, and it wasn’t fair to my brothers. Or myself.

But I could change it, I could show up again, I could figure out how to connect without letting myself believe I was somehow less important than the other two. And it started tonight, so Noah could follow his dreams. And from there? Who knew what it'd look like?

Chapter twenty-three

Nalini

Ateaching secret nobody talks about is how the weeks between Thanksgiving Break and Winter Break were actually an eternity long. There’s always a sudden influx of sickness, spirit weeks, winter formals, and parent phone calls. Some students who hadn’t done anything for a full semester were trying to figure out how to turn their 12% into an A. The athletes’ work ethic disappeared once football grade requirements were over. And somewhere in there, I was supposed to figure out a time to tutor the students who were struggling.

By the time I’d gotten home from the Friday that never ended, all I wanted was to collapse on my couch, eat an entire pizza, and watch something trashy. I’d already packed up my car for yoga and the YWG tomorrow, changed into my pajamas, and turned on the TV. Even Sylvie agreed we needed to relax as she sleepily curled around her favorite branch.

I flipped through the channels, trying to find something I could mindlessly watch, only to be jumpscared by Kam’s face. He looked younger and less exhausted to the point I'd assumed it was some sort of RaineFall documentary. But after a few seconds of watching, it was clear the interview was happening right now.

I really needed to know how he got the bags under his eyes to disappear. And where his beard went — I hadn’t realized how hot I’d found it until I saw him cleanshaven.

“All the rumors are just rumors,” Kam said to the camera, an easy smile on his face. It was clear he was on some sort of red carpet, and it took me a few moments to realize Noah’s show was opening tonight. “I know Jack’s songs were labelled as RaineFall, but most of them were songs that wouldn’t work for him solo. The fact they were leaked is a huge invasion of his privacy, especially that early in the drafting process, and there’s no plans to bring the band back. I’m just here to support Noah on his night.”

My stomach flipped as Kam talked about RaineFall, the words obviously scripted and some sort of damage control. My first thought was to look up what happened, but it involved turning off all the filters that'd kept my sanity intact for years. But at the same time, the way he was talking made me curious — and horrified — RaineFall might actually have some sort of comeback plan.

I snapped, opening up incognito mode to investigate the drama, only to be relieved when I saw it. It wasn’t some sort of marketing plan or announcement. It was some terrible drafts Jack had labelled in a file called RaineFall — and the internet hated them. There weren’t any dates, and most were hypothesizing the songs were from the cancelled album. I knew a lot of people would expect me to be happy this sort of thing happened to Jack, but in truth I wasn’t. I wouldn’t wish having their privacy violated on my worst enemy — and technically, he was exactly that.

But even with the contradicting anger and relief, this was something I could live with. Nothing about this had the potential to make my life feel like it was crumbling again.

I didn’t think Kam would keep the band getting back together from me, and while I doubted anyone would actually go after me again if they did, there was still a voice in the back of my head that feared it would. That somehow the song would get popular again, and I’d once again be trapped and unable to escape it. That Kam moving back to Briar Hill would bring the paparazzi back, and I’d end up at the center of it all.

My heart raced, and I forced myself to take a few deep breaths to help the anxiety settle. I hadn’t thought through what things would be like if I followed whatever was happening with Kam. How he’d always somewhat be in the public eye, thanks to his history and his brothers. Even the idea of him dating again packed our community center so full that people were still talking about how crazy it was days later. Eventually it’d come out, whether I wanted it to or not, and there’d be people who'd act like Jack and my relationship had just ended yesterday. If this was going to work, I had to ask myself if I’d be okay with the world knowing, or if it was going to cause problems.

My exhausted Friday ritual of turning off my brain and watching trashy TV had been ruined, and I flipped away from the interview, desperate for any kind of distraction. I landed on a cheesy movie I’d seen about a million times, drifting off to sleep almost as soon as I dropped the remote.

Only to wake up what felt like minutes later, coughing. Smoke filled the air, and the apartment felt hot. Sylvie was slithering from one side of her tank to the other, clearly in distress. The beeping of my fire alarm was nonstop, and I was shocked it hadn’t woken me up. I coughed again, bolting to Sylvie’s tank, not about to abandon her in my evacuation.

The plastic box under the tank’s table was thankfully open, as I unlocked it’s front doors and reached in, careful to watch her head. While Sylvie had never bitten me, she was obviously terrified, and I wasn’t going to tempt fate or salmonella by letting her instincts chomp my hands. And even if she did, it wouldn’t be her fault. The snake quickly slithered through my grip, and for a second I was afraid I’d drop her before finally getting her in the plastic tub and closing the lid.

I scooped up the box, grabbed the car keys from the hook by my door, and ran out. I was relieved my apartment led straight to the parking lot. The idea of finding a way to face the flames that were now encompassing the entire building wasn’t something I thought I could handle.

It was past midnight now, judging by the stars in the sky, and all my neighbors tried to congregate at a safe distance. My pajamas did nothing to keep out the sudden freeze of the snow, and my slippers grew heavy as they soaked up the coldness. I was worried about Sylvie; it was much too cold to keep her outside, and I didn’t want to save her from the fire only to lose her to the temperature.

“Let’s get you somewhere warm,” I whispered to the snake, opening my car and looking over my shoulder to see the flames growing taller. Sirens sounded in the distance, but my gut told me it was too late. The entire complex was on fire, and I wasn’t sure anything would be salvageable. All I wanted at this point was for it not to spread to the forest.

I had a fireproof safe they’d pull out of the wreckage with all of my documents, but every other thing I owned was gone. Or almost everything, I had a gym bag, yoga mat, and the draft of my story in the car. I was relieved I wouldn’t have to start the storyfrom scratch, even though the typewriter was probably nothing more than melted plastic and deformed metal by now.

Every part of the life I’d built myself was gone. I’d lived in my apartment for almost a decade; it’d been home for so long I couldn’t imagine living anywhere else. Not to mention, there were only two apartment complexes in the entirety of Briar Hill, and the other one was near capacity. The resort hotels were only open in the summer, and most of their staff didn’t even live in the area in the winter. I had no idea if they even had the capacity to open it as temporary apartments. All I could see was how much I’d lost, but at the same time I felt like I should be more devastated. Sylvie was the only thing out of all my belongings that truly mattered to me, and she was safe and sound with the car’s heater blowing on her as high as it could possibly go.

I should’ve felt devastated to lose so much. But instead, I felt strangely relieved. So much of my life focused on hiding, from the world and from myself. I’d boxed myself in, thinking there was no way I could escape it. But I couldn’t let fear dictate how I lived my life anymore. Even if I was anxious about RaineFall and Kam and who knew what else.