Page 115 of River Wild

Carrie

I don’t sit around, feeling sorry for myself. That’s not who I am anymore.

When I left my miserable life behind, I made the conscious decision not to be unhappy ever again. I had already spent enough years of my life being sad.

So, I chose to be optimistic. To be happy.

I wouldn’t ever be truly sad ever again. Not even when the bad memories creep into my dreams at night and turn them into nightmares would I feel sorrow. I just shut them into a box and lock it up tight.

Because those memories are not my life anymore.

I’m no longer Annie.

I’m Carrie.

And Carrie is happy. She is strong and brave. She is everything I ever wanted to be.

But, right now, I don’t feel any of those things.

And I’m most definitely not happy.

I told River everything. I trusted him with my deepest, darkest secrets, and he said nothing.

Nothing.

So, yeah, my heart hurts.

And, since I walked out of his house over an hour ago, I’ve done nothing but lie on my sofa—on my side, of course, because, if I lay on my back, I’d probably never get up again—and eat chocolate-covered pretzels while listening to sad music. Even Buddy couldn’t take my self-pity party and trotted off into my bedroom.

Lord Huron’s “The Night We Met” just finished up, and Kesha’s “Praying” has started up when I hear the rap on the door.

It’s a quiet knock but loud enough for me to hear.

I know it’s River. Because no one else would be knocking on my door after one in the morning.

But I’m not answering the door. And I’m definitely not letting him in.

I put another chocolate pretzel in my mouth and chew slowly.

“Red, it’s me.” His deep voice comes through the door.

“I know. That’s why I’m not answering the door,” I call back.

“Carrie … I just … I need to talk to you. You’re safe with me. I promise. I would never hurt you. But, if you don’t feel safe with me, which I totally understand, then text Sadie and tell her that I’m here.”

I push myself to sit upright. It takes some effort. Then, I stand and walk over to the door. “And why would I do that?” I ask.

“So, if I did anything to you, the cops would know that it was me who hurt you.”

“I’d rather not take the risk. Thanks.”

“Please, Carrie.” I hear his head thump against the door. “I just … fuck, I just need to see you. What you told me—”

“Forget what I said.”

“I can’t. I can’t get the images out of my head. Of him hurting you.” He sounds like he’s in physical pain. “I just need to know you’re okay.”

I wrap my arms around myself. “I’m fine.”