Page 21 of A Highlander for the English Widow

Amanda had a thought about that, but she was not ready to say it aloud.

“Well, I’m glad that we were able to find her. I dread to think what might have happened if we had never heard that cry. It’s funny to think that it all happened because we bumped into each other at the market.”

“Aye, it’s funny how things work out sometimes. All this time ye hae been near Stirling and we hae nae spoken tae each other.”

“Indeed, although after today perhaps it is better that we did not,” she said, wearing a wicked smile.

Logan looked a little surprised but pleasantly so. It may not have been ladylike to speak about the kiss like this, but it was too present in her mind to stop thinking about.

“Well, I would nae hae done anything like that if ye were married.”

“My marriage was in name only. Everything that makes a marriage true was not involved in mine.” She sighed and then realized she was dangerously close to revealing her secret, so she quickly changed the subject. “May I ask what possessed you to do such a thing? Was it really just looking for a new lease on life?”

“Something like that. I realize I hae been living in the past for tae long, always thinking of what I could nae dae, what I should hae done, but then ye come along and I find myself thinking of other things. It was difficult at first because I didnae want tae tarnish Moira’s memory, but ye are nae Moira and I am nae the same man I was then. I still have feelings and needs, and for once I wanted tae feel something good again.”

“It was good,” Amanda agreed, and she shared another warm smile with Logan. “What was Moira like?”

“Oh, she was a sweet lass, kind and warm-tempered. She rarely had a bad day. She was the daughter of a clansman who my father shared kinship with. They haed an agreement a long time agae that their firstborns should be wed, and my da is nae one tae break his word even though many years hae passed since then. In truth, I dinnae think she was the marrying kind. She enjoyed keeping tae her own company, so I cannae say that we were close, and I am ashamed tae say that I didnae love her in the way two people should love each other. I wanted tae, though. I vowed tae, after what she haed gone through with the pregnancy, but then I never haed a chance tae. As a husband I wanted tae give her a good life, but I couldnae, and now I think I hae been stopping myself from haeing a good life tae make up for it. It probably sounds stupid, I know.” He punctuated his words with a disarming smile.

“I think it’s the curse of people of conscience to want to punish themselves. Other people, people like Bram”— people like my husband, she thought, although did not say aloud—“don’t have a problem with being cruel. They get on with life without any remorse or regret. I do sometimes wonder what would happen if you could put some compassion into cruel people. I can imagine they would curl up with guilt.”

“Aye, but sadly they carry on hurting people, and the rest of us hae tae try tae pick up the pieces.”

“Well, that’s something you can take comfort from at least; clearly you’re not a bad man, or you wouldn’t care so much about other people. And I think it means that you don’t have to be so overwhelmed with guilt. It sounds as though you were a good husband to her, under the circumstances, and it’s only misfortune that took her away from you. It does seem to me that often marriages are built on something other than love. When I was younger, I used to believe that husbands and wives loved each other purely because they were married, as though it was something that was conjured between them as soon as the marriage vows took place. Real life disabused me of that notion, though. I have learned a lot by going through it myself.”

“What was yer husband like?” Logan asked.

Amanda sighed and swirled her glass around, watching the dark liquid whirl.

“I don’t wish to speak ill of the dead, but neither do I wish to lie. He was not a nice man. He had good prospects, of course, and was from a fine family. My father was rather excited when he realized that Hamilton had expressed an interest in me. All other suitors were dismissed immediately, not that I had any say in it. The arrangements were made, and it was as though it all happened around me, like I was being taken on a carriage ride with swift horses. The world was a blur and there was nothing I could do to slow them down.

“The more I got to know Hamilton, the more I saw he was a crude man. He had a nasty sense of humor and always seemed to enjoy it when other people suffered harm. I tried to change him, and I hoped that he would show a kinder side after we were married, but that was not to be the case. He had certain demands of me and wanted me to act in a certain way. Rather than seeing me as my own person, he saw me as another servant to command, but I was not so easy to command. I spoke back to him and he did not take kindly to that.”

“Sae he marched ye up here because he didnae like yer attitude?” Logan said.

Amanda was about to correct him but then bit her tongue. Since Logan had reached that conclusion by himself, she didn’t see any reason to tell him the truth. Besides, it was true, from a certain point of view. There were many reasons why Hamilton had sent her away. She imagined that if she was the quiet, docile wife that he wanted, he might well have kept her around. He had never liked that she was outspoken.

“Well, I think that he made a mistake,” Logan continued. “I know ye hae suffered through a long marriage and a long exile, sae it may nae mean much tae ye, but I believe the fault lies with him. He should hae made a better gae of appreciating ye.”

“Thank you, Logan, that means a lot to me. I suppose I will just have to hope that I can find a man who appreciates me now,” she said in a beguiling tone, using her words as an invitation. It was an invitation that Logan acknowledged and accepted.

He set his glass on the table and brought his chair closer to her. Their legs were touching. He reached out to take her hand. She gasped a little. Breath caught in her throat. Oh, it was so easy to lose herself to these heady sensations that ran through her body…

“Perhaps we could try living a little again,” he said in a low whisper, and kissed her again.

His hand slipped around the back of her head and cradled her. Amanda’s lips opened, yielding to his advances. She murmured with delight as their lips met again, and emotion crashed within her, shuddering through her body. She pressed her hand against his cheek and started to feel his soft hair, falling deeper and deeper into the kiss.

“Let’s gae somewhere a wee bit more private,” he said, taking her hand and pulling her up.

Amanda did not resist.

Logan took her to his chambers. They were bigger than the guest chambers she had been given. There was a wolfskin rug on the ground, a hearth in the wall, and a large bed that dominated the room. She supposed it had to be big to accommodate his frame. He led her to the bed and stood before it, cupping her cheeks in his large hands, making her feel so small, so safe, so protected. And yet, despite these feelings, the air was laced with a crackling sensation, as though anything might happen.

Amanda smiled in between the kisses, and then they sank into the bed, their hands roaming each other’s bodies. She felt the strength of his muscles as she ran her hands along the broad frame of his body, while pleasure tingled and rippled through her as his hands moved around her curves. She opened her body up, inviting him to touch wherever he wanted. His lips moved down her slender neck and kissed along the line of her necklace, gently nudging the pendant away from the hollow of her throat. His arms cradled her, their bodies locked together. It felt as though a blaze had taken hold of them. Sweat prickled on Amanda’s brow; her breaths ran deep as though she was searching and yearning for something more. Arousal laced the air, and she could feel herself falling into this passion. It wasn’t anything like it had been with Hamilton. He had been fumbling and clumsy, whereas Logan seemed to know exactly what he was doing.

Their tongues danced as the world tumbled around her, but as his hands moved to undo her dress and expose the skin underneath, she knew what spending the night with him would mean. It would be a promise that she could not take back, a silent vow that she would not be able to break, and it would be trapping him into something that he would never be able to escape from. She had not known Logan for long, but she knew him to be an honorable man and also knew he would not be the type to love her for a night and then walk away. He would seek to marry her, but she could not allow that to happen because she would be no better than her father or Hamilton then, trapping him into an agreement that he could not escape and one that would not provide him with what he needed.

“Wait,” she said, the word escaping in a rush of breath.