Page 19 of A Highlander for the English Widow

For fleeting moments she allowed these feelings to flow through her like sweet nectar before they diminished again. The thought of being with him was just a dream. He had a whole life ahead of him, a life where he was to be laird and raise a family to continue the legacy his ancestors had set out before him. It was not to be brought to a crashing end with a woman who did not have the ability to create life.

So Amanda steeled herself and swallowed her emotions, attempting to bury them deep within herself. She pushed them as far down as they could go, hoping that they would not cause her too much pain, but still knowing that she would be suffering.

She forced a friendly smile upon her face as Logan approached her and came with an invitation to walk with him. For now he did not have a wife, so she was not inclined to decline his invitation. She decided that she could live in the fantasy for a while longer. There is nothing wrong with having dreams, after all, she thought. She slipped her arm in with his and continued walking around the courtyard while Ann diplomatically slipped away, leaving Amanda and Logan alone.

13

When Logan saw Amanda standing there in the courtyard, he knew it looked to be the perfect picture. She seemed to fit in ideally, as though she had always been made to be a part of this landscape. He walked toward her and asked her for a walk and was glad when her maid disappeared into the distance, leaving them alone.

“You seem to have calmed down from earlier,” Amanda said as they strolled around the courtyard.

Logan enjoyed the feeling of her arm linked around his. It reminded him of when he used to walk with Moira back when they first met. Guilt washed through him; he had to convince himself that he wasn’t betraying Moira by spending time with Amanda. The words of Deirdre rang through his mind: the best solution was to live. For a long time now, Logan had been nothing more than a ghost, so to force himself to live again wasn’t something he was used to. But Amanda had the uncanny knack of being able to inspire a certain sense of excitement within him. He smiled when he was with her, and even smiling was something that he hadn’t been used to over the past few years.

“It feels better knowing that we hae a name, although I want tae be able tae know that we can find him. He haes managed tae slip through my fingers before, and I dinnae want tae let the same thing happen again—especially now that I know he haes been using children. I cannae believe that this could hae been happening without me knowing about it. I should hae done more. I should hae known…” he trailed off, feeling tense again.

“There was nothing you could have done, Logan. You can’t blame yourself for everything that happens,” Amanda said with a light chuckle, but the meaning of her words was serious. “You’ve said it yourself: Bram MacGavin is a smart man and has learned how to bend the laws of the land to his whims. You couldn’t have known that he was using children, and even if you did, how would you have sought him out?”

“I should hae found a way,” he said.

Amanda placed a hand on his arm, trying to soothe his anguish. “I know it’s frustrating, but we are on the trail now and don’t have to worry about it any longer. We will find him after we speak to Lydia.”

“How much dae ye know about her?” Logan asked.

“Not much, I’m afraid, although apparently she doesn’t have good choice in men,” Amanda said, trying to make a joke of it again.

“Hopefully the man she has found herself with will talk. I’ll make him talk,” he said, staring off into the distance, getting lost in the idea of vengeance once again.

Amanda spoke to him in a soothing tone.

“I thought you were gentle with Lillie today. I think she’s starting to be more at ease with us. I’m glad she started to speak,” Amanda said.

Logan relaxed. He thought about the way Amanda had been with Lillie and how naturally she had fallen into a motherly role.

“It is tae yer credit that she spoke. From the moment we found her, ye were the one tae set her at ease. She would nae hae spoken without ye there,” he said. “Ye are a natural with children.”

“It’s not the first time I’ve been told that,” she said with a heavy sigh.

Logan thought it was natural for a woman like Amanda to have a child of her own. For some reason, she didn’t. Her husband had sent her to the Highlands and ignored her. Was it because he did not love her or because of some other reason? Logan could not fathom it could be because the duke did not desire her. She was the fairest woman in the Highlands, and he had no doubt that she would be the fairest woman in England as well. He did not pry, though, thinking that it was unbecoming of him.

“Well, that’s probably because it’s true,” he said, and started to work up the courage to say what he had gone there to say. “I hae tae say that I hae been impressed with the way ye hae conducted yerself, Amanda. Yer spirit is unmatched, but I also want tae tell ye that dealing with Bram MacGavin is nae something ye should take lightly. If this gaes wrong and he gets wind that ye are helping, he would hae nay qualms in coming tae find ye. I dinnae know if I can guarantee that ye will be protected,” Logan said with a reluctant tone.

“I can sense the danger, but that is not going to stop me. I could not hide in my estate when I know that there is a man like him out there, making these poor children suffer. To hear what Lillie had been through and to think that there are more of her like that, especially with her sister as well. And what Bram told her…that nobody would want her and she would always be alone… I can’t fathom the cruelty of a man to be able to speak that way to a child,” she said, and choked on her sobs.

She raised a hand to brush away a tear. Logan stopped walking and turned to face her. He took the opportunity to brush away the tear for her. He ran his thumb across her cheek and wiped away the crystal drop of liquid. Amanda blinked and smiled, tilting her head back so that she could look at him. He gazed into her eyes, and a falling sensation came over him as he sank into her warmth and the longing of her.

“Perhaps we should talk about something different for the time being,” he suggested, his voice as low as a whisper, intimate and secretive.

“I was going to mention how beautiful your courtyard is,” she said.

“It’s only beautiful because ye are in it,” he replied, the words feeling strong in his mouth. It was a risk to say such a thing, he knew, but it felt like a risk he had to take.

The smile fell from her face for a moment and was replaced by a look of shock. He wondered if he had miscalculated and had actually offended her. It had been such a long time since he had been with a woman and never had he dallied with a woman of Amanda’s standing. But then the wide, sincere smile spread across her face, and she lit up like a fire that had just sparked into life.

“I hae been thinking a lot about things since our conversation, Amanda. I dinnae know what it is about ye, but ye hae a way of making me feel comfortable with things. I hae shared things with ye that I hae nae shared with anyone, and ye hae seen my family in a way that few people get tae see them. When I am around ye I dinnae feel like the soon-to-be laird. I just feel like Logan, and that haes nae been the case for a long time. I just wanted tae say thank ye for listening tae me and my problems. I know ye hae been suffering with yer own grief, and perhaps my problems dinnae seem as important, but they are important tae me. And…aye…thank ye,” he said.

“I think it helps me to help other people, and you know that you can tell me whatever you like. I must admit that I have felt this kinship between us as well. It is a most uncommon thing,” she said.

Logan felt a lump form in his throat as tension bristled all over his mighty body. They still had their arms linked together, joined physically and spiritually as the rest of the keep faded around them. In that moment, there was nothing but her in the world to him.