Page 41 of Knot Now Knot Ever

“I’m so sorry I let my fear and desire to shield myself from pain steal precious time we could have had together,” I conceded. “When I was eleven, my three fathers went on a business trip, leaving me and my mother at home. This wasn’t unusual since one of them traveled every other week. However, this was an important meeting that required all three of them to attend. I was their only child. Mother had two miscarriages before me and wasn’t willing to try again once I was safely brought into the world.”

I paused, wiping my tears and sniffling, trying to collect myself. “There are some moments in life you’ll never forget no matter how much time has passed. For me, one of those is the day a policeman knocked on our door and informed my mother the plane my fathers had been on crashed. We found out twenty lives were lost that night, but they were wrong. Twenty-one lives were lost because my mother died that day as well. The woman who used to be my mother was lost forever and transformed into a bitter shell of a human. I watched for a year and a half what the devastation of losing your bonded Alphas looked like. Her suffering was only brought to an end due to a car accident that happened in the middle of a thunderstorm.”

“I don’t know how I survived. Truthfully, I don’t remember what happened that night. There are only bits and pieces, flashes of a memory, but it’s not surprising with the head injury I got from slamming against the window. Because of the trauma of that accident, I can’t drive or even sit in the front seat. My therapist and I worked on it for a while, but the severity of my reaction to any method we tried didn’t justify the additional trauma,” I revealed, fighting against the panic that was clawing at my throat.

I could feel myself starting to dissociate, and when that happened, my fear seemed to take on a life of its own. Shut up, shut up, shut up! Stop talking right now. Don’t tell them any more. They know enough. If you keep this up, they won’t want anything to do with you. It won’t matter if they’re your scent matches. No one wants to deal with a basket case like you.

Unable to ignore the intrusive thoughts as they tried to bury me in their lies, I let out a pained sob. “Make it stop,” I pleaded, gripping my head. “I don’t want to keep feeling like this, but I don’t know how.”

“We’ve got you, starlight,” Tanner murmured as he cradled my head to his chest.

I was soon surrounded by my pack, creating a physical shield around me. I started to panic, feeling too confined, but then their scents reached my brain, and I instantly took a deep breath. Reaching out, I clung to whoever I touched first and used that connection to ground me in the here and now. The panic and thoughts slowly quieted until I was once again able to think clearly. Absolutely wrecked from the panic attack, my legs started to shake and were about to give out when Eli scooped me up.

“Come on, petal, let’s get you inside,” Eli said, then kissed my temple. “I promised you that you wouldn’t have to struggle with this alone anymore, and I meant it. We’ll get through this as a pack because you’re worth fighting for.”

It turns out you can fit four people on the oversized chaise if the fourth person is cradled in their laps. Pascal, Zachary, and Eli didn’t seem bothered by how close they were crammed together because their attention was fixated on me. They’d wrapped me up in a blanket, handed me a warm cup of tea, and let me snuggle against their bodies until I was comfortable. Eli rested his head on top of mine as he combed his fingers through my hair. Zachary had his arms wrapped around my legs, holding me close while Pascal was slipping my feet into a pair of fluffy warm socks Fawn had supplied.

“Here, starlight, you need to eat something,” Tanner murmured, setting a tray he’d turned into a charcuterie board on Eli’s lap where I could reach it. “Fawn and I are working on dinner, but it will take about an hour to be ready.”

“Thank you,” I whispered and reached out for a cube of cheese even though I didn’t feel hungry.

However, once I started to chew, it seemed to wake up my stomach, leading to a rather loud growl everyone could hear. My cheeks burned with embarrassment, but the only reaction out of the guys was for Zachary to build a little cracker sandwich and offer it to me. I took it and shoved the whole thing in my mouth, knowing it would prevent me from saying anything or explaining myself. To my surprise, no one said anything or tried to push for an explanation for my meltdown.

“These are sweet pickles I made myself. Would you like to try one?” Pascal asked, holding up the small green vegetable. “If you don’t like sweet things, I’ve also got spicy or extra sour pickles too.”

“I like sweet things,” I assured him, holding out my hand. “I also like spicy and sour, so I’d like to try them all.”

Pascal blushed, dropping his gaze as he popped a pickle into his mouth, stalling for time. “Anytime you want some, I keep the open jars in the fridge. They’re labeled on the lids, so you know what kind they are. If you don’t see any, let me know. I keep the extras stored in the second kitchen.”

“There’s a second kitchen?” I asked before biting down on the crisp, crunchy pickle.

The explosion of flavor had me stopped in my tracks. It was the perfect balance of sweet right up front followed by the tang of vinegar. There was a certain spice to it that I couldn’t put my finger on, but it gave so much depth to the flavor. These were nothing like you’d get at the store. It was obvious how fresh the pickles were—the crunch was out of this world. I like pickles as much as anyone, but I wouldn’t say they were a go-to snack or something I kept on hand in the house. After tasting Pascal’s creation, I might be thinking differently.

“Pascal, these are amazing,” I praised, reaching for another one. “I’m serious. How the hell do you make them taste this good?”

“He won’t tell you,” Fawn called from the kitchen. “I’ve been trying to get him to teach me how to make them since I moved in. Passie is one stubborn ass when it comes to his pickling secrets.”

My brows rose as I studied Pascal, nibbling on the cracker Eli handed me. The Alpha in question simply shrugged. “I like having something to offer that he enjoys so much and only I can provide. If he learns to make them, then he won’t need me anymore.”

Hearing the honesty in Pascal’s answer had my heart breaking for him. Somewhere along the way, Pascal had truly come to believe that because he didn’t sleep with Fawn, there was nothing for him to offer his Omega.

“All right,” I decided with a nod. “I won’t ask to learn your secrets, but you have to promise to keep making pickles for us to enjoy.”

The smile that bloomed on Pascal’s face was like a balm to my own battered heart. He brushed his fingers along my jaw, drawing me closer to him. “Beautiful, I promise you will never go without pickles for the rest of your life.” Pascal then sealed his promise with a kiss.

Why that simple, silly promise had me glowing made no sense, but I drank it up without arguing. Every passing moment with these men showed me how starved I was for authentic affection that was freely given. I was starting to realize with these men, there weren’t strings attached to their actions. There was no way for me to see the difference, having never experienced a genuine connection within a pack. The truth was, no one would, not until they found their matches.

As I was pulled back against Eli’s chest, smiling as he nuzzled my neck. “Petal,” he started, then paused.

I knew he wanted to ask me questions about what I’d said on the patio and understood why he was hesitant. Truthfully, I didn’t blame him for treading lightly or fearing I might have yet another meltdown. It was becoming apparent to me I needed to make weekly appointments with Dr. Barnett or see if she could recommend someone here for me to work with. My pack didn’t deserve to have to deal with all my baggage when they never expected to have a second Omega. It was my fault things ended up like this, so I should be the one to deal with the fallout.

“It’s okay, Eli, you can ask me anything,” I assured him, placing my hand over his where it rested on my stomach.

“The pack you were with…” Eli stopped, his body tensing and a growl rumbling in his chest.

It was obvious the mere thought of me living with another pack wasn’t something Eli wanted to discuss. I shifted to hug his neck, reminding him I was here and not with them. Instantly, he tightly wrapped his arms around me, and the growling stopped.

After a moment, he asked his question. “How did it end?”