Page 27 of Revenge & Truth

Astin let out a bitter laugh. “Yes, that is true right now, but what about in the future? However, will you always be able to see me as separate from my work? What if there’s a moment when I cross the line, go too far, and you see me for the monster I’ve been raised to be?”

“Who called you a monster?” I demanded, anger burning in the pit of my stomach at someone daring to speak ill of her.

“Did you want the list alphabetically or based on the number of times it was used?” she questioned with a wry smile.

Narrowing my eyes at her, I frowned. “You’re teasing me right now, and I’m not appreciating it. No one should be calling you such things, and it is a matter that should be dealt with quickly. Just like it upset you to find out someone hit me, I am equally bothered by this insult being directed at you.”

A tear slipped out and rolled down Astin’s cheek, but she didn’t bother to wipe it away. “You asked why I came to you about this and not any of the others. Well, it’s because they’ve all come to terms with the fact that there will be blood on their hands to live and survive in being part of a criminal organization. Atticus, you were plucked out of the normal world and promised a well-paying job crunching numbers for a business.”

She placed a hand over my heart, and her voice became so soft I had to strain to listen. “This heart is pure, filled with goodness, and reminds me there is more to life. However, if you stay by my side, that will fade, and I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if keeping you close took that from you.”

“Astin, are you telling me to leave?” I demanded, my body starting to shake at the thought of being forced out of my home.

“This time might not have changed things for you, but eventually, it will. You see, those people are right…” she paused, licking her lips nervously, “... I am a monster. Being the boss means I have to become the scariest monster out there so things like what happened to you and Braxton never happen again. I thought if you were here by my side, I’d know where true north is, and I’d be able to hold onto the last pieces of goodness I possess. Problem with that is, I love you too much to drag you down with me, so I’m going to free you before I destroy you.”

Tears fell freely down her cheeks as she spoke, her pain screaming at me from her gaze. This woman was practically carving out a piece of her heart right in front of me in an attempt to make what she believed to be the right call. Out of everything she said, the words that played over and over in my mind were—I love you. The only other person I’d heard that from and believed they meant it was my mother. In fact, it was the last thing she said to me before she slipped into a coma and never came back out of before dying. Now, stood before me, was the only person I wanted to be around, spend time with, talk to, and learn more about. I’d even be willing to watch television that offered no substance and incorrect representations of many things simply to have her fall asleep on my lap again.

If I were a neurotypical person and felt this way about her, I’d have realized much sooner what I was experiencing was love. The way I was wired gave me a limited ability to process and understand emotions. Having finally had a revelation of what the feeling meant, it was clear as day—I was in love with Astin Caprioni. Yet, here I was being told to leave because it would be better for me. How could this option possibly be better?

“No,” I declared.

“Att—”

Before she could continue talking, I took her face in my hands and kissed her like I’d been aching to do since she started crying. I didn’t know if this was the right choice, but I’d seen it in countless movies and shows. This is what a man did when a woman they’d been pursuing was upset. At first, she stiffened, both hands on my chest as if to push me away, but seconds later, those hands fisted my robe, and she kissed me back.

Triumph swelled in my chest at making the right choice to comfort the woman I was in love with. Tilting my head, I deepened the kiss, letting my fingers slide into her hair to encourage her to follow my lead. I felt a tug on the tie holding the robe closed, causing the fact I wasn’t wearing anything else to be made quite apparent. The feel of her hands sliding up my back as she pressed herself against me had me moaning into her mouth. My cock was hard and managed to slip under her oversized T-shirt to rub against her stomach.

While I wasn’t as experienced in sexual encounters as the others would lead me to believe, I’d been told I was quite skilled. Lacking the ability to easily interact with others, I spent many hours researching techniques and hired an escort to help evaluate my performance. Who better to judge and offer advice than a woman whose job it was to sleep with many different people? So, while I haven’t had a girlfriend or a significant relationship before, I’ve had a few ladies I’d meet up with for mutual relief of sexual needs. Those encounters were enjoyable, but none of them came close to the flurry of emotions and sensations I was experiencing now.

Astin pulled back, breaking the kiss, our breathing rapid, and I could feel my heart beating in my ears. Her eyes searched mine a moment before she tried to pull out of my arms, but I refused to let that happen. “I said no,” I reminded her.

“You don’t get to decide that,” Astin argued, putting a little more effort into getting away from me.

“Correct, but you also don’t get to make decisions that involve both of us on your own,” I countered. “You’ve determined what would be best for me without even speaking to me about it. Why do you get to choose if I can love you or not? Not to mention you seem to think I have a problem with violence and don’t believe I understand my role as your lieutenant.”

“That’s not what I think or what I’m trying to do here,” she snapped, a slight growl to her words as she struggled halfheartedly against my hold.

“Good, because I thought you were different from the rest of the world who chooses to see me as stupid,” I countered, knowing I was being harsh. “You came here to tell me a choice you already made for me, only asking the question to make yourself feel better about cutting me loose.”

Her mouth popped open in shock at my reply. “You are not stupid. In fact, you are fucking brilliant and put the rest of us to shame on our best day. I’m not doing this to hurt you, Atty. Believe me, that’s the last thing I want to do.”

“If you don’t want to hurt me, then take back everything you said about needing to leave,” I suggested.

“Too many times in my life I’ve had to watch people leave me one way or another. It terrifies me to think about letting another person in, let alone seven,” she admitted. “Atty, all of you are becoming irreplaceable in my life. Having Luca taken, knowing my hands were tied, was far more brutal than I ever anticipated. What I did today was not only declare war against those within the founding families but acknowledge the fact I know they’re behind all of it. Next time, it won’t be one of you getting driven away in a police car… they’ll kill you.”

Lowering my head until our foreheads touched, I closed my eyes, accepting the reality of what she just said. “If, by your own admission, I’m the smartest person here, don’t you think I already know that? I don’t know what gave you the impression I’m a man without blood on his hands, but that isn’t the case. While I don’t choose violence first or believe it’s the best course of action in most situations, I will defend myself.

“My firearms instructor was impressed enough with my abilities that he pushed me to do extra training. I turned him down, not seeing the logic since, at that time, I wasn’t involved in anything outside the estate or office. If you don’t believe me, ask Luca about my skills with a gun. He helped me practice,” I suggested, lifting my head to examine her expression, hoping this would ease her mind. She stepped forward, closing the space between us to rest her head over my heart, hugging me tight.

“You’re right. It’s not my place to decide what you do with your life,” Astin whispered as I returned the hug, resting my cheek on her head. “If you want to remain here with me, I don’t have the strength to tell you no because I can’t stand the thought of you not being in my life. I had to try to prove to myself I could be the person you deserve.”

“Stop doing that,” I ordered. “Stop trying to be anything but who you are, Astin. You are exactly who I’ve been looking for, and the woman my mother knew was out there. You treat me with respect, listen to what I have to say, and answer the questions that frustrate most people, so I understand the full situation. You have never once looked at me with pity or seen me as broken, stupid, or disabled. You keep saying others are right to call you a monster or evil, but I don’t think either of those traits would allow you to see me the way you do.”

The feel of her tears on my skin had me holding her tighter. Now I feared I wouldn’t be able to fix this like the night she got lost in her nightmare. Of course, now I knew there was a trigger vocal phrase to bring her out of it, but it didn’t keep me from understanding this was an area I’d always struggle in providing for her. Braxton was the most skilled of us in redirecting her moods, but I’ve noticed Liu is also strong in that area. It’s one reason I rather liked not being the only person in this relationship with Astin. I’d be a terrible partner if left to be the sole source of comfort and affirmation.

“Is it cruel of me to make you promise that you’ll never leave me?” Astin questioned, pressing a kiss to my neck. “You already gave me an oath, so it seems silly.”

“That oath was to the Family. It acknowledged you were the Boss, but it wasn’t an oath specific to you,” I pointed out. “Would you like me to perform another oath? Is that enough to give you some comfort and confidence in my choice to stay?”