Page 26 of Revenge & Truth

Many others in my life would speak to me in a patronizing manner, not providing an explanation that helped or tease me for not understanding something so simple. Having a best friend you trusted to educate and guide you through a situation was becoming something I valued more than I ever thought I would. So much so, it scared me to think Astin didn’t feel the same way, which led me to simply go the direct route and ask.

Once back at the house, I headed to my room, needing to take a shower. Something about the events made me feel like I was covered in whatever filth coated that gentlemen’s club. Unable to shower without following my routine all the way through was frustrating at times, but I welcomed the head-to-toe scrubbing. Drying off, I pulled on my robe and stepped into my slippers before heading to my workspace area of the bedroom.

I abruptly halted seeing Astin sitting cross-legged at the foot of my bed, hair wet and dressed in loungewear—something she only did when upset.

“Is something wrong?” I asked, my mind flooding with various worst-case scenarios of what could have happened while I was in the shower.

She shook her head and gave me a tired smile. “No, nothing’s wrong, but I also couldn’t get our conversation from earlier out of my head.”

Frowning, I replayed the conversation in my mind, trying to spot where I went wrong. At no point did I perceive her to be upset or bothered by my questions. Then again, she has the skill to hide her emotions from being read by anyone, so it would certainly fool me.

“I’m sorry I upset you. That was never my intention,” I offered, unsure what else to apologize for.

“Oh God, no, that’s not what I mean at all,” she hurried to say, her eyes wide as she reached out to me. “Come sit with me. You’re making me feel like I upset you by how far you’re staying away from me.”

Even more confused, I sat on the bed beside her, where she motioned for me to be. She shuffled a bit to face me, her hands clasped in her lap as she studied my face as intently as I did hers.

“If I ask you a question, will you give me an honest answer, even if you think it might hurt my feelings?” Astin questioned.

“Astin, I always strive to answer you with the utmost honesty,” I stated. “Typically, I don’t account for how people will react to what I say since I’m not sure I’d be able to guess how they would feel. So I believe the answer to your question would be, yes, I can.”

She nodded, dropping her gaze as she twisted a ring absently, telling me she was anxious about something. Before I could process my actions or second-guess the impulse, I placed a hand over hers, stilling the movement. This brought her gaze to meet mine once more, a small smile on her lips.

Tanking a deep breath and sitting up a little straighter, she asked her question. “Did seeing me kill and torture all those people today change your mind about what you said about wanting to spend your life with me?”

I was unable to answer right away since I didn’t understand why her actions at the club would have any impact on my desire to be with her. Should it bother me? Was it wrong for this not to bother me in the slightest? What would she think if I appreciated her efforts in retaliating against a person who attacked me?

A hand cupped my jaw so gently I couldn’t help but lean into it, wanting to feel her touch more distinctly. “Can you tell me what you’re thinking, Atty?”

“I don’t understand why you’re concerned about two separate events affecting one another,” I answered, appreciating her noticing my struggle with the original question.

“Really?” she challenged as if she believed I was unsure of my answer.

“You are the leader, or Boss, as is the traditional title of the Caprioni Family. Those men stole from you and assaulted those acting on your orders. It only seems logical by the conventions of organized crime that you would kill or torture people,” I explained. “If you were unsure of the response people would have to you performing violent acts, wouldn’t it have been better to ask after the oath ceremony? You were much more murderous then as opposed to the situation today.”

She blinked her emerald green eyes at me before letting out a snort, one I’d qualify as cute, before dropping her hand from my face. “Yes, I agree. I was much more murderous that day, it’s true. However, my reason for asking wasn’t because I was worried about how everyone viewed me… just you.”

“Have I done something to cause you to worry about this matter?” I inquired, still not seeing the logic of how she came to this conclusion.

“No, you haven’t,” she assured me. “Atty, all those other times you’ve seen me hurt people, it wasn’t me in control of the situation, it was Darkness. Today, I didn’t need her to step in and cut off my emotions to do what needed to be done. Many people would have a hard time seeing someone they have feelings for rigging up a man to hang by his balls. Out of all the men who expressed interest in being my romantic partner, you’re the only one I questioned being able to accept this violent side of me and this world.”

Ah, now I was finally seeing the correlation of facts.

“One skill I’ve learned I have that works equally as a benefit and hindrance is being able to compartmentalize. To me, the Astin I value and want to keep in my life forever is not synonymous with Astin, the Boss of the Caprioni Family. One is who you are to me, and the other is your profession,” I shared, hoping I was explaining this as clearly as I viewed it.

“Huh…” Astin muttered, cocking her head. “That is quite useful, but I can also see how it could be a bit of a stumbling block.”

“Yes, it is more of a benefit, though,” I added, but something still bothered me about this conversation. “Why are you so worried about how I see you? I could be wrong, but I don’t see you going to each of the others who expressed romantic interest today, asking the same question.”

Astin moved off the bed and stood with her back to me, arms wrapped tightly around herself. Fear that I’d said something I shouldn’t and upset her had me going to her, but when I reached out to touch her, she avoided it.

“I upset you,” I stated.

She shook her head but still refused to look at me, and with her hair falling forward, I couldn’t see her face. Angry at myself and frustrated I couldn’t feel her emotions, I reached out again. This time she didn’t move away as I tucked hair behind her ear, allowing me to see the familiar look of self-loathing twisting her emotions.

“Atty,” her voice cracked with a rasp as she looked at me. “I can’t lose you.”

“Why would I be missing?” I asked. “I’m right here with you in my bedroom.”